Sharing another person's joy increases your own joy twofold and sharing another person's pain lessens their pain half fold.
I love the way this idea flowed out during a relaxation and meditation session last evening. I envision individuals developing the capacity to draw on the joy within them and around them and use it to absorb the pain and suffering within them and around them and transform it into a healing energy...
The reaction wasn’t as powerful as it had been when I gave sessions that intended to specifically augment the individual’s sense of well being. But I am ecstatic. This is my work. And I was born to do it.
I have the courage and the will to speak for the voiceless. I just don't like the way I get so emotional about it when I do it as I am not sure it generates the positive response that we all so desperately need. Rather, I feel it triggers negative emotions that may fuel positive action but in the long run may not be sustainable as the motivation doesn't stem from the right source.
In my sessions I am more in control and able to transmute my emotions into a nourishing energy that is hopefully more acceptable to those who receive the message. I am yet to find out how effective it is in influencing the course of thought and emotion for the better, but for now I am just happy with the method...
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 08, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011 (12.11pm)
Back in Sri Lanka since early June and it’s been a mad tea party since. First off was the episode with the young Belgian backpacker coming in from India. He was warmly greeted and asked if he would be visiting Jaffna. When he unwittingly replied that he looked forward to it, the immigration officer was incredulous. They decided that he should be given a 3 day visa and asked him to report to the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). I didn’t even know there was a CIA in Sri Lanka until then!
It was easy to stay at home and not go out anywhere until VJ virtually kicked me in the butt and got the yoga classes going. I now take 3 classes a week at Body Bar and another class at her sister-in-law Trudi’s place. Starting out was quite nerve wracking as I was keen to please. It wasn’t the first time I was teaching but it was the first time I was charging for teacher. But once I got on the mat and centered myself in my practice it just flowed out naturally. I love the abundance of love I feel at the end of each class as I feel each of the practitioners connect to a deeper aspect of their being.
Still it’s been surreal because I’m staying with VJ and Souhaine and practicing yoga. I can’t recognize most places because the city is looking like a beautiful cut-out. You only have o block out the occasional live scarecrow you see staring up at some beautifully lit-up building with a longing bordering on reverence.
...........................................Contd. Friday, July 08, 2011 (01.48pm)
A month gone already and I’m still not enamoured with the dream. Had almost forgotten how painfully superficial people can be. I’ve had a few personal tips on how to “look” good. Pity no one cares about actually “being” good. In that sense it will be nice to return to the oblivion of the Ashram. Now I’m almost afraid to see some of my old friends, though on the other hand it would be nice to scratch the surface.
Find it surprisingly to stay faithful to Beau. He’s like the shining beacon in a dark night. And I’m constantly surprised at how I’ve grown up and into love.
If not anything else, the return has definitely served as a test to my level of universal acceptance and tolerance. Can I hold myself and others in tenderness despite the craziness. I am grateful to Sarinda for Trail. It is beautiful to be able to sit back and have others take over for a change. Maybe this will be a space I can return to in safety after all.
Oh my Beloved, Kindness of the heart,
Breath of Life, I bow to you
Lotus sitting on the water Beyond time and space
This is your way, this is your Grace
I bow to you
Om namo guru dev namo…
It was easy to stay at home and not go out anywhere until VJ virtually kicked me in the butt and got the yoga classes going. I now take 3 classes a week at Body Bar and another class at her sister-in-law Trudi’s place. Starting out was quite nerve wracking as I was keen to please. It wasn’t the first time I was teaching but it was the first time I was charging for teacher. But once I got on the mat and centered myself in my practice it just flowed out naturally. I love the abundance of love I feel at the end of each class as I feel each of the practitioners connect to a deeper aspect of their being.
Still it’s been surreal because I’m staying with VJ and Souhaine and practicing yoga. I can’t recognize most places because the city is looking like a beautiful cut-out. You only have o block out the occasional live scarecrow you see staring up at some beautifully lit-up building with a longing bordering on reverence.
...........................................Contd. Friday, July 08, 2011 (01.48pm)
A month gone already and I’m still not enamoured with the dream. Had almost forgotten how painfully superficial people can be. I’ve had a few personal tips on how to “look” good. Pity no one cares about actually “being” good. In that sense it will be nice to return to the oblivion of the Ashram. Now I’m almost afraid to see some of my old friends, though on the other hand it would be nice to scratch the surface.
Find it surprisingly to stay faithful to Beau. He’s like the shining beacon in a dark night. And I’m constantly surprised at how I’ve grown up and into love.
If not anything else, the return has definitely served as a test to my level of universal acceptance and tolerance. Can I hold myself and others in tenderness despite the craziness. I am grateful to Sarinda for Trail. It is beautiful to be able to sit back and have others take over for a change. Maybe this will be a space I can return to in safety after all.
Oh my Beloved, Kindness of the heart,
Breath of Life, I bow to you
Lotus sitting on the water Beyond time and space
This is your way, this is your Grace
I bow to you
Om namo guru dev namo…
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Thursday, June 02, 2011 (4.44am)
Finally capitulated and accepted Maria’s invitation to visit her in the city. It was weird driving into the city. I remember how I used to think driving out of the city into the countryside such an adventure – checking out the shops on the way out which were stocked with exotic goods. Now I felt slightly sick driving into the city after having been in the countryside and seeing the trees being cut down and the rocks being blasted indiscriminately. The flip side is that I no longer think it would be nice to have a large wooden bed and a marble sinks. And it was nice to have a coffee and sit outside watching the world go by for a change even though I was surprised at how polluted the air seemed to be after five long months in the ashram.
I ended up shopping quite unexpectedly and was characteristically stressed about how much I was spending. I could blame it on the effect of being stuck in a tiny lift for almost half an hour. But I know I should have exercised the same power of awareness that I did when I consciously decided not to panic in the lift. But then again, the purchases are beautiful.
I guess the theme of my visit was how to cultivate being at peace with myself. And the first lesson was to trust the universe that people are inherently good. It came in the form of a sweet young man who helped us get home. It was almost midnight and he was also stuck with us for almost two hours waiting for the heavy rain and flooding to subside. At first he walked around trying to hail us an auto-rickshaw. When that failed he braved the floods to take us both on his tiny scooter in the pelting rain. He didn’t tell us his name so we just have to conclude that he was an angel.
But I didn’t get the message until Maria had to finally beg me to stop complaining the next day. Generous soul that she is, she had just the book I need – The Soul of Money – which I am reading like a thirsty traveler. She also initiated me into the practice of Kundalini yoga which was a very profound experience for me.
We practiced a kriya and short meditation in the morning followed by a further meditation in the evening. I had some insights of how I should be like a tree, grounded in the world but aspiring higher and higher, bearing fruit with no expectation. I also realized that I had probably not found a Guru yet because I had so much of self-work to do and I had to focus deep inside myself. This would not be possible if I was focused on the Guru. I would miss the learning I was experiencing if I waited for someone to interpret it for me. I also believe I passed the polyp which had given me so much pain for almost two years.
Back in my room two nights later, I almost lost the lesson until I chatted with Beau. It was so nice to see him again that my heart just melted and overflowed. I felt what I would imagine to be an almost motherly instinct to satisfy him. But in the end I felt so much more alone and sad. Thank god the lesson came back to me almost immediately. I had so longed to see him and speak to him and should have been ecstatic when I did. And I was ecstatic, but I was letting my greed to overshadow that happiness.
I think I love Beau and I keep saying it but I want things to be different this time. I want to learn how to love and live unconditionally. I found the secret put very eloquently in Lynne Twist’s book The Soul of Money (pg 43-44):
“…For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. We don’t have enough time. We don’t have enough rest. We don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course we don’t have enough money – ever… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, or why. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack.
This mantra carries the day and becomes a kind of default setting for our thinking about everything, from the cash in our pockets to the people we love or the value of our own lives. What begins as a simple expression of the hurries life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. It becomes the reason we can’t have what we want or be who we want to be. It becomes the reason we can’t accomplish the goals we set for ourselves, the reason our dreams can’t come true, or the reason other people disappoint us, the reason we compromise our integrity, give up on ourselves or write off others.”
Today is the day that I start living out my vision of being like a beautiful tree…
I ended up shopping quite unexpectedly and was characteristically stressed about how much I was spending. I could blame it on the effect of being stuck in a tiny lift for almost half an hour. But I know I should have exercised the same power of awareness that I did when I consciously decided not to panic in the lift. But then again, the purchases are beautiful.
I guess the theme of my visit was how to cultivate being at peace with myself. And the first lesson was to trust the universe that people are inherently good. It came in the form of a sweet young man who helped us get home. It was almost midnight and he was also stuck with us for almost two hours waiting for the heavy rain and flooding to subside. At first he walked around trying to hail us an auto-rickshaw. When that failed he braved the floods to take us both on his tiny scooter in the pelting rain. He didn’t tell us his name so we just have to conclude that he was an angel.
But I didn’t get the message until Maria had to finally beg me to stop complaining the next day. Generous soul that she is, she had just the book I need – The Soul of Money – which I am reading like a thirsty traveler. She also initiated me into the practice of Kundalini yoga which was a very profound experience for me.
We practiced a kriya and short meditation in the morning followed by a further meditation in the evening. I had some insights of how I should be like a tree, grounded in the world but aspiring higher and higher, bearing fruit with no expectation. I also realized that I had probably not found a Guru yet because I had so much of self-work to do and I had to focus deep inside myself. This would not be possible if I was focused on the Guru. I would miss the learning I was experiencing if I waited for someone to interpret it for me. I also believe I passed the polyp which had given me so much pain for almost two years.
Back in my room two nights later, I almost lost the lesson until I chatted with Beau. It was so nice to see him again that my heart just melted and overflowed. I felt what I would imagine to be an almost motherly instinct to satisfy him. But in the end I felt so much more alone and sad. Thank god the lesson came back to me almost immediately. I had so longed to see him and speak to him and should have been ecstatic when I did. And I was ecstatic, but I was letting my greed to overshadow that happiness.
I think I love Beau and I keep saying it but I want things to be different this time. I want to learn how to love and live unconditionally. I found the secret put very eloquently in Lynne Twist’s book The Soul of Money (pg 43-44):
“…For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. We don’t have enough time. We don’t have enough rest. We don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course we don’t have enough money – ever… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, or why. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack.
This mantra carries the day and becomes a kind of default setting for our thinking about everything, from the cash in our pockets to the people we love or the value of our own lives. What begins as a simple expression of the hurries life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. It becomes the reason we can’t have what we want or be who we want to be. It becomes the reason we can’t accomplish the goals we set for ourselves, the reason our dreams can’t come true, or the reason other people disappoint us, the reason we compromise our integrity, give up on ourselves or write off others.”
Today is the day that I start living out my vision of being like a beautiful tree…
Sunday, May 29, 2011 (10.55am)
Beginning my 34th year and I think I’m beginning to find my groove in the universe. Which is ironic because there’s no groove so deep that you can safely deposit yourself in it without one day being thrown out into the big unknown like a fledgling out of it’s nest. But still, it’s a good feeling to think of a groove.
It was a beautiful day with heartfelt wishes from my nearest and dearest, which I treasure. I celebrated by keeping to myself and trying to meditate on the 10 precepts of Non-Violence, Truthfulness, Honesty, Moderation, Non-Possessiveness, Purity, Contentment, Austerity, Self-Study and Surrender to the Almighty. It was harder than I thought it would be as I hadn’t meditated in a while. But I’m glad I tried.
It was a beautiful day with heartfelt wishes from my nearest and dearest, which I treasure. I celebrated by keeping to myself and trying to meditate on the 10 precepts of Non-Violence, Truthfulness, Honesty, Moderation, Non-Possessiveness, Purity, Contentment, Austerity, Self-Study and Surrender to the Almighty. It was harder than I thought it would be as I hadn’t meditated in a while. But I’m glad I tried.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011 (8.53am)
I could say the same thing I’ve been saying for the past umpteenth months - that’s it’s been a hell of a few weeks. But I won’t.
I lost a friend. But I also made another and I am beginning to learn togetherness and aloneness.
The problems staying asleep have started up again and at one point my arm got so bad that I had to take painkillers several times when what I really wanted to do was get really stoned and unwind. Thank god Miyako decided to punish me by sticking needles in me. Just 2 hours and a glorious massage later, I was as good as new. Acupuncture certainly rocks.
Of course I still haven’t been able to treat the problem at the root so the pain’s coming back slowly and I’m still having problems sleeping but I’m beginning to realize that no matter what, ultimately we each have to deal with our own issues. Of course we could talk to someone, but only to put our own thoughts and feelings in perspective. Never look for an answer, because it’s not going to come from outside. This little truth has set me on fire.
Now I am able to find pleasure in the simple things, like dancing by myself in my room, the feel of a hot wash cloth against my skin while taking a wash standing up in my little bathroom, the curve of a tiny pink cloud in a grey evening sky, the beauty of wild grass flowers along the walk and the way the sound of the crickets stills everything and enters your body as you walk through a small wood.
The elephant is perfectly beautiful.
I lost a friend. But I also made another and I am beginning to learn togetherness and aloneness.
The problems staying asleep have started up again and at one point my arm got so bad that I had to take painkillers several times when what I really wanted to do was get really stoned and unwind. Thank god Miyako decided to punish me by sticking needles in me. Just 2 hours and a glorious massage later, I was as good as new. Acupuncture certainly rocks.
Of course I still haven’t been able to treat the problem at the root so the pain’s coming back slowly and I’m still having problems sleeping but I’m beginning to realize that no matter what, ultimately we each have to deal with our own issues. Of course we could talk to someone, but only to put our own thoughts and feelings in perspective. Never look for an answer, because it’s not going to come from outside. This little truth has set me on fire.
Now I am able to find pleasure in the simple things, like dancing by myself in my room, the feel of a hot wash cloth against my skin while taking a wash standing up in my little bathroom, the curve of a tiny pink cloud in a grey evening sky, the beauty of wild grass flowers along the walk and the way the sound of the crickets stills everything and enters your body as you walk through a small wood.
The elephant is perfectly beautiful.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
She has been crying for almost a day now, walking around and around the building, crying at every door. If she’s lucky, they just shoo her away… If not, she gets kicked for her insolence.
“Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
Their ears, accustomed to their own blaring din of loud laughter, talk and more talk, music and ringing phone, are hurt by her insistent pleas… “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
They can’t even pause in their rush of eating more, using more, taking more to clean up the “mess” that they say she makes, leave alone feel her pain… “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
She barely cares for food and slept restlessly for a while in the late afternoon. But even as she slept she moaned “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
There’s no place for her in this haven…
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
She’s just a stray…
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
So they dumped her kittens in the garbage…
She has been crying for almost a day now, walking around and around the building, crying at every door. If she’s lucky, they just shoo her away… If not, she gets kicked for her insolence.
“Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
Their ears, accustomed to their own blaring din of loud laughter, talk and more talk, music and ringing phone, are hurt by her insistent pleas… “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
They can’t even pause in their rush of eating more, using more, taking more to clean up the “mess” that they say she makes, leave alone feel her pain… “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
She barely cares for food and slept restlessly for a while in the late afternoon. But even as she slept she moaned “Why? Why? Why? Why?...”
There’s no place for her in this haven…
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
She’s just a stray…
“Why? Why? Why? Why?”
So they dumped her kittens in the garbage…
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011 (9.27am)
At the risk of intellectualizing everything and preventing my essence shine through, I must say that I am continually amazed at these people who are able to follow like cattle. Truly amazed. For example, when the attendance is taken at the first class of the day, when the instructor calls out the names, if someone answers “present”, he/she is told to say “Om” instead. Why? Because that’s how it is. Then at the end of the day, when we sit for the most glaring waste of time of ages – Yoga, Science & Consciousness, a subject which could be truly interesting if it wasn’t taught by a garrulous old fart who thinks he is the authority on everything and so uses the most disparaging tone to tell us how uninformed and doomed we are – where we are told that we should not move or turn are head or twiddle our pencils. Why? Because if we did, apparently, we would never be chosen at an interview for a management position!
Of course I have beaten to death the urge to tell the old fart that I’ve never failed at a single interview and I quit my job in a management position to drop off the face of the earth in the vain hope of never having to deal with garrulous old farts like him!
I realize I am being very rude, maybe even “violent”. But I honestly feel like it’s the least I can do to shake myself up from the stupor that threatens to engulf me here. Of course the reward for my pains is the tiny bald patch which seems to have sprung up out of nowhere above my left temple. But you know what? I would give all my hair to be bald and beautiful me rather than any of these fuzzes.
Sure they think I’m crazy the way I get all excited when someone tells me to do something that makes no sense and try to make them see the pointlessness of following such illogic (probably because they also think me a little odd seeing that I don’t clutter my room with cheap east Asian plastics or hideous Indian stainless steel vessels. But I live a fairly hand to mouth existence here and don’t see the point of hoarding so much that my already conservative room turns into a walk-in closet. But I am happy as hell and I intend to remain that way.
Today one of my classmates (the most sober of the lot and so I thought, the most sensible with the exception of Jin of course) returned a book I had lent him last week. It was Aravind Adiga’s The White Tiger which is a truly remarkable book which very realistically portrays the life of the poor in India and their view of her development. He had found it too “violent” and therefore did not want to read it.
Now considering that he was one of those peppy Indian boys who is ordained by his proud parents to become a lawyer/doctor/(software) engineer and does so with all zest, I had hoped that he was not entirely lost since he had after all quit his job and taken up the study of yoga. But when he termed the book too violent, I just saw him as absurd as an ostrich. Well he can stick his head anywhere he likes. Violence is very much the reality of life, especially the life of the blindly growing Indian empire. And God save us all if this is not to the “taste” of this pretty excuse for a human being.
Of course I have beaten to death the urge to tell the old fart that I’ve never failed at a single interview and I quit my job in a management position to drop off the face of the earth in the vain hope of never having to deal with garrulous old farts like him!
I realize I am being very rude, maybe even “violent”. But I honestly feel like it’s the least I can do to shake myself up from the stupor that threatens to engulf me here. Of course the reward for my pains is the tiny bald patch which seems to have sprung up out of nowhere above my left temple. But you know what? I would give all my hair to be bald and beautiful me rather than any of these fuzzes.
Sure they think I’m crazy the way I get all excited when someone tells me to do something that makes no sense and try to make them see the pointlessness of following such illogic (probably because they also think me a little odd seeing that I don’t clutter my room with cheap east Asian plastics or hideous Indian stainless steel vessels. But I live a fairly hand to mouth existence here and don’t see the point of hoarding so much that my already conservative room turns into a walk-in closet. But I am happy as hell and I intend to remain that way.
Today one of my classmates (the most sober of the lot and so I thought, the most sensible with the exception of Jin of course) returned a book I had lent him last week. It was Aravind Adiga’s The White Tiger which is a truly remarkable book which very realistically portrays the life of the poor in India and their view of her development. He had found it too “violent” and therefore did not want to read it.
Now considering that he was one of those peppy Indian boys who is ordained by his proud parents to become a lawyer/doctor/(software) engineer and does so with all zest, I had hoped that he was not entirely lost since he had after all quit his job and taken up the study of yoga. But when he termed the book too violent, I just saw him as absurd as an ostrich. Well he can stick his head anywhere he likes. Violence is very much the reality of life, especially the life of the blindly growing Indian empire. And God save us all if this is not to the “taste” of this pretty excuse for a human being.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011 (4.00pm)
Another eventful week and a most insightful month comes to an end. The dreaded meeting went just as I had anticipated it would. Which is why I was pretty surprised that everyone else seems to be so optimistic about it. I even got congratulated on being the most vociferous student at the NAAC meeting.
The performance also went by without a hitch (atleast not on my part. I did see a few missed steps alongside me but I was too shut out to care). It all started with the wig which was pinned into my skull. It not only made me look like the hermaphrodite I’d seen begging on the street in Bangalore, but it also made me the last one to get ready despite being the first one to get there. It also made me very mad because the rest of my troupe seemed to have developed goldfish memories all of a sudden and gobbled up what was supposed to be my share of the attire. So I was minus ornaments and flowers for my hair while they had extra. Oddly enough I was the only one who seemed to think it odd.
Then the other day when I was having a class with Dr. Nagarathna, I broke down while she was talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and named war, divorce, death of a family member and separation from a loved one as some of the most stressful situations a person could go through. I experienced all these in the short span of a year and thought that I was handling things remarkably well. But when she asked us what advice we could give a mother who was grieving for her dead son I realized that I had no idea how to comfort my mother at all.
In the welcome privacy of my room I cried a long time for my funny, handsome, brilliant and loveable brother who I could never see or speak to again.
Jin made an attempt to draw me out but I was in no mood to see any of my classmates. I don’t feel like I can talk to any of them and I am ok with that. After all, I haven’t come here to make friends. I have come to learn how to love life and live it fully live with everything I have going on. If I make friends it’s all well and good but I wouldn’t hold my breath. This realization of my almost total emotional independence and complete comfort in my own company gives me great satisfaction though I am also wonderfully tempered in my celebrations.
I also cried with the beautiful realization that I am in love. I value the ease with which I am able to talk about things with Beau. He doesn’t tell me it’s all going to be ok or that what I’m going through is natural. He does reassure me that my family has my best interests at heart and that I must never ever forget that. He just lets me rant and get it out of my system. But most importantly, he doesn’t catch me out on the many and varied projects that I have started and stopped or planned and not started at all. I don’t know if he does it intentionally or not, but I appreciate it very much and miss the warmth of having him with me though I know I can wait forever to be with him again.
I am learning to watch the emotions – both painful and pleasurable - and not get carried away with them. So instead of brooding in my room, I enjoyed painting my mirror a beautiful Ultramarine after which I gave my little prayer table an antique look with the face of a peacefully meditative curly red-haired girl with a yin-yang pendant. Something similar to what I’d done for Lorenza.
Spoke to Nikki on Easter Sunday. Naren may have to undergo surgery for the sties on his eyes. The poor baby. I’m glad I decided to go home and spend time with the family. I think this time I’ll be doing it more for myself than for them. I’m booked to fly to Colombo on 4th June.
I caught up with Beau online as well and again (as always) I was reminded of his sweet, uncomplicated and down to earth nature that so draws me to him. Even if I am not able to see him this summer it’s ok. I don’t want to unload my crap on him. I found it hard to stay calm after that and was doubly grateful for the pain of the last few days. Now instead on focusing on how painful it is to be apart from him, I think about all the reasons why I love him.
I was most grateful for the opportunity to speak to Camilla who I had been short with earlier in the week. The conversation had started out ok but had threatened to go down the usual complaining track and I didn’t feel I could take it so I said so (maybe not in the most supportive tone). But later when we spoke, I could see that she was still suffering with her situation and I felt more capable of supporting her as I’d been past that particular problem myself. I hope I was able to explain to her that everything was ok – the pain, disappointment, need, anger, frustration etc – she just had to stop judging her emotions and consequentially trying to get rid of those she thought bad. Everything was natural and had to be dealt with as such. There is no escaping that. But it will be less overwhelming if she stopped fighting it.
I myself am beginning to be more comfortable with myself and how I’m going about dealing with things. It’s lead me to feel more confident and the creativity I was missing is beginning to show like the tender green shoots I see springing up everywhere in the freshly rain-drenched earth. Talking about green, I’m enjoying taking care of Bonny’s Neem every evening. Miyako was sweet enough to invite me to the cowshed one evening and I got to meet the inhabitants. The cows and bulls and I are yet to become friends but the calves are sweet and wrinkled their noses as they let me scratch them behind the ears. I met the newest addition to the family. In return I showed Miyako Bonny’s Neem for which we got some cow dung. We’re also playing around with the idea of starting our own little garden near the Girls’ Hostel.
Read Aravind Adiga’s White Tiger and loved it. It’s a brilliant book which speaks to us of our times all over the third world. I would like to gift it to so many people I know in Sri Lanka. Reading Krishnamurthy for Beginners: An Anthropology and finding many thoughts that seem to echo my current state of mind. I love that about the reading I’ve been doing. It’s giving me so many ideas. Today I picked up Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Sky is the Limit and pretty excited. It’s giving me the boost I need to follow up on VJ’s brilliant idea of creating a page and offering yoga classes while I’m in Sri Lanka.
I’m planning on painting an elephant on the wall above my bed. I’ve sketched it out, but I won’t rush with the colour and details. This one is going to be perfect.
The performance also went by without a hitch (atleast not on my part. I did see a few missed steps alongside me but I was too shut out to care). It all started with the wig which was pinned into my skull. It not only made me look like the hermaphrodite I’d seen begging on the street in Bangalore, but it also made me the last one to get ready despite being the first one to get there. It also made me very mad because the rest of my troupe seemed to have developed goldfish memories all of a sudden and gobbled up what was supposed to be my share of the attire. So I was minus ornaments and flowers for my hair while they had extra. Oddly enough I was the only one who seemed to think it odd.
Then the other day when I was having a class with Dr. Nagarathna, I broke down while she was talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and named war, divorce, death of a family member and separation from a loved one as some of the most stressful situations a person could go through. I experienced all these in the short span of a year and thought that I was handling things remarkably well. But when she asked us what advice we could give a mother who was grieving for her dead son I realized that I had no idea how to comfort my mother at all.
In the welcome privacy of my room I cried a long time for my funny, handsome, brilliant and loveable brother who I could never see or speak to again.
Jin made an attempt to draw me out but I was in no mood to see any of my classmates. I don’t feel like I can talk to any of them and I am ok with that. After all, I haven’t come here to make friends. I have come to learn how to love life and live it fully live with everything I have going on. If I make friends it’s all well and good but I wouldn’t hold my breath. This realization of my almost total emotional independence and complete comfort in my own company gives me great satisfaction though I am also wonderfully tempered in my celebrations.
I also cried with the beautiful realization that I am in love. I value the ease with which I am able to talk about things with Beau. He doesn’t tell me it’s all going to be ok or that what I’m going through is natural. He does reassure me that my family has my best interests at heart and that I must never ever forget that. He just lets me rant and get it out of my system. But most importantly, he doesn’t catch me out on the many and varied projects that I have started and stopped or planned and not started at all. I don’t know if he does it intentionally or not, but I appreciate it very much and miss the warmth of having him with me though I know I can wait forever to be with him again.
I am learning to watch the emotions – both painful and pleasurable - and not get carried away with them. So instead of brooding in my room, I enjoyed painting my mirror a beautiful Ultramarine after which I gave my little prayer table an antique look with the face of a peacefully meditative curly red-haired girl with a yin-yang pendant. Something similar to what I’d done for Lorenza.
Spoke to Nikki on Easter Sunday. Naren may have to undergo surgery for the sties on his eyes. The poor baby. I’m glad I decided to go home and spend time with the family. I think this time I’ll be doing it more for myself than for them. I’m booked to fly to Colombo on 4th June.
I caught up with Beau online as well and again (as always) I was reminded of his sweet, uncomplicated and down to earth nature that so draws me to him. Even if I am not able to see him this summer it’s ok. I don’t want to unload my crap on him. I found it hard to stay calm after that and was doubly grateful for the pain of the last few days. Now instead on focusing on how painful it is to be apart from him, I think about all the reasons why I love him.
I was most grateful for the opportunity to speak to Camilla who I had been short with earlier in the week. The conversation had started out ok but had threatened to go down the usual complaining track and I didn’t feel I could take it so I said so (maybe not in the most supportive tone). But later when we spoke, I could see that she was still suffering with her situation and I felt more capable of supporting her as I’d been past that particular problem myself. I hope I was able to explain to her that everything was ok – the pain, disappointment, need, anger, frustration etc – she just had to stop judging her emotions and consequentially trying to get rid of those she thought bad. Everything was natural and had to be dealt with as such. There is no escaping that. But it will be less overwhelming if she stopped fighting it.
I myself am beginning to be more comfortable with myself and how I’m going about dealing with things. It’s lead me to feel more confident and the creativity I was missing is beginning to show like the tender green shoots I see springing up everywhere in the freshly rain-drenched earth. Talking about green, I’m enjoying taking care of Bonny’s Neem every evening. Miyako was sweet enough to invite me to the cowshed one evening and I got to meet the inhabitants. The cows and bulls and I are yet to become friends but the calves are sweet and wrinkled their noses as they let me scratch them behind the ears. I met the newest addition to the family. In return I showed Miyako Bonny’s Neem for which we got some cow dung. We’re also playing around with the idea of starting our own little garden near the Girls’ Hostel.
Read Aravind Adiga’s White Tiger and loved it. It’s a brilliant book which speaks to us of our times all over the third world. I would like to gift it to so many people I know in Sri Lanka. Reading Krishnamurthy for Beginners: An Anthropology and finding many thoughts that seem to echo my current state of mind. I love that about the reading I’ve been doing. It’s giving me so many ideas. Today I picked up Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Sky is the Limit and pretty excited. It’s giving me the boost I need to follow up on VJ’s brilliant idea of creating a page and offering yoga classes while I’m in Sri Lanka.
I’m planning on painting an elephant on the wall above my bed. I’ve sketched it out, but I won’t rush with the colour and details. This one is going to be perfect.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011 (9.15am)
It’s been a crazy week, with rehearsals for the visit of the National Academic Accreditation Committee. One night after we’d got back, we had coffee in the oldest building here and a short tour of the residence of the old lady who’s inspiration this place was. I find it strange that these people not only worshipped different people or gods who they believed had been reincarnated, but also claimed to have seen them and interacted with them and died on a day related to that particular god. It has however led me to soften my view of them. I have enjoyed not having to attend most classes though having to be around so many people is exhausting. I was relieved when I developed a fever and infected sinuses which gave me some respite.
Yesterday was Bonny’s birthday and I wanted to have two Neem trees planted. I think the guy in charge must have realized I was on a short tether because he told me this morning that he had got it done after cancelling on me twice yesterday. I didn’t call home because I can’t even begin to think how Mama must be feeling to have lost her baby.
I am nervous about going home and dealing with all these emotions. But I think it’s time I just stopped doing things all the time and just spent time with my family. Though it would be nice to give some yoga classes. I’ve decided to mail Suzanne and VJ and check what’s possible. Though this would mean being in Colombo. Maybe it would be better to try Suthas’ ashram in Wattala. Also have to check if the little business idea I had is worth going through with.
I have been watching the Friends TV show almost non-stop when I’m not hanging around for dance rehearsals. I realize that it’s a way to stop thinking about Beau though sometimes I find that that’s all I end up doing.
I would like to write him or talk to him but I feel that everything I do now will only make things worse. It’s far from the spontaneity that I had with him and I’m painfully reminded about the epiphany I had last year that we should plan the next meeting just as long as we were able to be sincere, kind, gentle, wild, fun, tender, loving and spontaneous. I still feel everything for him. But I doubt spontaneity is one of them when I can’t decide how I want to say what I want to him.
For now all I know is that I miss talking with him and it hurts like hell. Nothing seems to matter and I am afraid I have stopped meditating or wanting to do anything even remotely spiritual. The most important thing seems to be able to talk to him again. But at this point I don’t want to mess things up further and so would rather concentrate on my family and try to get back into my studies and see him when I complete the course. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place. Because right now all I seem capable of doing is moping and binging on junk food.
Told myself today that I have to cut myself some slack but then if I don’t get serious by next week after all the NAAC hula-hoop is done, how am I going to get through this semester? I’ve thought about quitting so many times because I feel I don’t have the energy or the will to continue this for 3 more semesters. Afraid if I don’t change my ways that I may get thrown out of here soon. Had a bit of a scene with virus who called me in to refuse to let me sit the course without attending his boring classes. Got caught reading in his class the same day and it was not nice.
I’m afraid I’m turning out to be like him. I can’t seem to respect all the old people (what with their constant wind-breaking and belching and foul-smelling mouths) who seem to be flocking to this place. And I snapped at 2 children yesterday for being noisy, annoying little brats.
Thank god today is the day of the performance and there’s still 2 more days of NAAC visiting before the week commences in full swing. I’m slightly dreading the student meeting with the NAAC people this afternoon as I don’t feel sincere anymore since they made us rehearse our answers and asked us to lie about certain things. It’s started raining now and I’m looking forward to cooler days.
Yesterday was Bonny’s birthday and I wanted to have two Neem trees planted. I think the guy in charge must have realized I was on a short tether because he told me this morning that he had got it done after cancelling on me twice yesterday. I didn’t call home because I can’t even begin to think how Mama must be feeling to have lost her baby.
I am nervous about going home and dealing with all these emotions. But I think it’s time I just stopped doing things all the time and just spent time with my family. Though it would be nice to give some yoga classes. I’ve decided to mail Suzanne and VJ and check what’s possible. Though this would mean being in Colombo. Maybe it would be better to try Suthas’ ashram in Wattala. Also have to check if the little business idea I had is worth going through with.
I have been watching the Friends TV show almost non-stop when I’m not hanging around for dance rehearsals. I realize that it’s a way to stop thinking about Beau though sometimes I find that that’s all I end up doing.
I would like to write him or talk to him but I feel that everything I do now will only make things worse. It’s far from the spontaneity that I had with him and I’m painfully reminded about the epiphany I had last year that we should plan the next meeting just as long as we were able to be sincere, kind, gentle, wild, fun, tender, loving and spontaneous. I still feel everything for him. But I doubt spontaneity is one of them when I can’t decide how I want to say what I want to him.
For now all I know is that I miss talking with him and it hurts like hell. Nothing seems to matter and I am afraid I have stopped meditating or wanting to do anything even remotely spiritual. The most important thing seems to be able to talk to him again. But at this point I don’t want to mess things up further and so would rather concentrate on my family and try to get back into my studies and see him when I complete the course. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place. Because right now all I seem capable of doing is moping and binging on junk food.
Told myself today that I have to cut myself some slack but then if I don’t get serious by next week after all the NAAC hula-hoop is done, how am I going to get through this semester? I’ve thought about quitting so many times because I feel I don’t have the energy or the will to continue this for 3 more semesters. Afraid if I don’t change my ways that I may get thrown out of here soon. Had a bit of a scene with virus who called me in to refuse to let me sit the course without attending his boring classes. Got caught reading in his class the same day and it was not nice.
I’m afraid I’m turning out to be like him. I can’t seem to respect all the old people (what with their constant wind-breaking and belching and foul-smelling mouths) who seem to be flocking to this place. And I snapped at 2 children yesterday for being noisy, annoying little brats.
Thank god today is the day of the performance and there’s still 2 more days of NAAC visiting before the week commences in full swing. I’m slightly dreading the student meeting with the NAAC people this afternoon as I don’t feel sincere anymore since they made us rehearse our answers and asked us to lie about certain things. It’s started raining now and I’m looking forward to cooler days.
Saturday, 16th April 2011 (12.51pm)
Tried to get Beau online but was not possible. Which led to an episode that I’m not very proud of. All in all, I decided not to keep doing this to myself and stop trying to contact him. I’m sure that should he feel the need to contact me, he is quite capable of doing so. It’s been a week now and I’m doing pretty good.
It also helped that last week I agreed to take part in the dance drama that the university was putting up for the visit of the National Accreditation Committee.
I’ve been slightly stiff and anxious to get the steps right but I seem to be getting better everyday. Or so it seems on some days. But most importantly I am enjoying myself. Not so much the 1+ hour drive into the city and the grueling practices in a cramped and poorly ventilated dance studio but the interaction with my fellow students and the little shopping I managed to do on our way out. Yesterday I replaced my lost nose stud and got myself a set of beautiful glass bangles!
Was slightly apprehensive about my mood as Dushy’s birthday is coming up next week, but I have decided to plant a couple of Neem trees and it gives me a good feeling.
Most importantly, I braved the dragon and told Virus that I did not enjoy his class and wanted to opt out. He was sadly ineffective in his defence but seems to be taking it quite well (considering the tantrums he’s capable of). Still I haven’t met him like he asked me to. But the practices have been taking up all my time. I haven’t meditated or attended any classes since Wednesday.
But there is absolutely no conflict within me. I trust myself to do exactly what is needed at that time and that is good. For instance, I have decided not to buy anymore credit for my mobile phone. So for the past 2 weeks or so, it functions as an alarm clock and device to receive messages and calls on. I have no complaints so far.
I also moved into a single room across from the room I was sharing. I do miss the evening chats with the cool dusky Indian girl from Goa. But it nice to have my own space too. Though it is an extravagance that I felt I should not indulge in given my “unemployed” status, I value the space it gives me to be. I also realized yesterday that need this space and time to be true to myself instead of trying to trick someone else and myself into something that isn’t coming naturally.
I have been thinking about all the things I do to make the guy I am with happy. Not particularly at any cost. But still I feel I have tried to be what I think they want me to be and by that I know I have not been utterly true to them or to myself. The only two times that I was utterly myself was with PK after we broke up and there was no pressure of trying to be what he wanted me to be and with Beau when I knew for a fact that I loved him and nothing else mattered. The latter was the most beautiful experience. And I don’t think I want to ever forget it. Though I am very much aware that things have changed since then, nothing can take that away from me and I am happy with that knowledge.
Today I was pleasantly surprised to find myself confident and warm in my sentiments during the NAAC prep meeting. From the faculty and student’s response, the feeling seems to be contagious and I’m glad for the grace I seem to be receiving as I finally seem to be settling in in the third month.
We are creatures of habit and I for one am a habitual complainer. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t take the lesson from a rough deal. I am thankful for each and everything in my life.
It also helped that last week I agreed to take part in the dance drama that the university was putting up for the visit of the National Accreditation Committee.
I’ve been slightly stiff and anxious to get the steps right but I seem to be getting better everyday. Or so it seems on some days. But most importantly I am enjoying myself. Not so much the 1+ hour drive into the city and the grueling practices in a cramped and poorly ventilated dance studio but the interaction with my fellow students and the little shopping I managed to do on our way out. Yesterday I replaced my lost nose stud and got myself a set of beautiful glass bangles!
Was slightly apprehensive about my mood as Dushy’s birthday is coming up next week, but I have decided to plant a couple of Neem trees and it gives me a good feeling.
Most importantly, I braved the dragon and told Virus that I did not enjoy his class and wanted to opt out. He was sadly ineffective in his defence but seems to be taking it quite well (considering the tantrums he’s capable of). Still I haven’t met him like he asked me to. But the practices have been taking up all my time. I haven’t meditated or attended any classes since Wednesday.
But there is absolutely no conflict within me. I trust myself to do exactly what is needed at that time and that is good. For instance, I have decided not to buy anymore credit for my mobile phone. So for the past 2 weeks or so, it functions as an alarm clock and device to receive messages and calls on. I have no complaints so far.
I also moved into a single room across from the room I was sharing. I do miss the evening chats with the cool dusky Indian girl from Goa. But it nice to have my own space too. Though it is an extravagance that I felt I should not indulge in given my “unemployed” status, I value the space it gives me to be. I also realized yesterday that need this space and time to be true to myself instead of trying to trick someone else and myself into something that isn’t coming naturally.
I have been thinking about all the things I do to make the guy I am with happy. Not particularly at any cost. But still I feel I have tried to be what I think they want me to be and by that I know I have not been utterly true to them or to myself. The only two times that I was utterly myself was with PK after we broke up and there was no pressure of trying to be what he wanted me to be and with Beau when I knew for a fact that I loved him and nothing else mattered. The latter was the most beautiful experience. And I don’t think I want to ever forget it. Though I am very much aware that things have changed since then, nothing can take that away from me and I am happy with that knowledge.
Today I was pleasantly surprised to find myself confident and warm in my sentiments during the NAAC prep meeting. From the faculty and student’s response, the feeling seems to be contagious and I’m glad for the grace I seem to be receiving as I finally seem to be settling in in the third month.
We are creatures of habit and I for one am a habitual complainer. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t take the lesson from a rough deal. I am thankful for each and everything in my life.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
07th April 2011 (1.39pm)
I’m coming to realize that I should not be at such loggerheads with myself.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.
I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!
But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.
The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.
In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.
Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.
I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.
I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.
I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!
But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.
The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.
In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.
Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.
I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.
I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
02nd April 2011 (11.54am)
Feeling under the weather again so stayed in bed yesterday and today. Just had to slow down and step out so took my morning wash and then walked down to the lake to just be. I am glad for the book of daily prayers and thoughts that I picked up at the book store. It helps me to connect to a familiar spirituality in this world of foreign gods and prayers and rituals. Saw the little snake swim across the lake and just enjoyed the early morning quietude. When I started to walk back, I came upon a tiny snake in my path. It was nice to just stand and watch. Each of us acknowledging the other’s presence but with no untoward insisting that it was our space. Pointed it out to one of the staff who was walking with his baby daughter. Unfortunately he proceeded to roll a stone onto it for the amusement of his daughter despite my remonstrations.
Still not decided what to do for the semester break. Had been thinking of going North and getting more training in yogasana practice but not sure anymore. If there’s one thing I’m learning here it’s that it doesn’t matter what you read, talk about, listen to or attend. Ultimately you have to practice it yourself. And so with baby steps my experiments continue.
It is believed that when you think a thought repeatedly, your neurons get trained in that thought pattern. So in order to un-train it, you have to consciously think the opposite. For example, if you hate someone, you have to try and focus on their good points. Otherwise this thought loop becomes a destructive habit that ultimately enslaves you.
I can see how I have quite unknowingly trained myself in many ways. And now that I’m here, thinking of the past, what I did, said etc and wondering what next, I can see myself setting myself up for the inevitable pain (because everything is ultimately going to be painful – if I do get to see Beau again, the next parting will be painful. And if I don’t see him again, then that will be painful as well). So I’m trying to see how I can stop the loop and just take things as they come.
Found a book on Jiddu Krishnamurthi. He says that everything we do is to escape something else. For example, they say that desire for another is caused by our need to escape from ourselves. So we start depending on that other person for that feeling of being able to forget ourselves. Apparently even studying yoga is our way of trying to escape this life and seek enlightenment. But this craving or aversion only generates more karma which keeps the cycle of life and death turning. So the secret is to try and engage in an activity with detachment.
On marriage he says, Love is not a habit. But we make it a habit when we get married. Then when we see the other person without any pretenses on our part or theirs, we are annoyed and get quarrelsome. But this is no way to live. But people do this and think it’s normal (I never did – which is probably why I am twice divorced!) when it’s not. He says that in this case we can only bring forth ugly babies and an ugly world. Makes a lot of sense.
All in all, glad to be here. Though I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m being very brave and not the usual bulldog who chases a guy when I think I want to be with him. Sent him a bit of a crazy email saying all this because. Feel like what I wanted to say is jumbled in my head. But actually it’s simple. I’d like to see him again. But I don’t have the courage to tell him so.
Decided not to take any medication because I know it’s not going to solve the problem in the long run. Will take Dr. Nagarathna’s advice to just believe that the food is nourishing me and sustaining me.
Glad that despite all this I manage to keep my nightly one hour of meditation practice. I’m beginning to realize that I am always in conflict - either with myself or with the world outside. I am alsorealize that everything I feel is based on my thinking – love, hurt, anger, blame, depression, desire. But my thoughts are no more valid than anybody else’s. This is such a liberating realization.
I think Meditation is not such a difficult thing. It isn’t so much as silencing the mind as distancing myself from my mind which is full of compulsive thoughts. Meditation allows me to stand outside and observe. It doesn’t matter if I have thoughts or not. What I have to understand is that during my meditation, what doesn’t exist in that moment of reality doesn’t really exist.
Everything goes on without my thinking about it. My thinking about it does not affect what happens or does not happen. Meditation is where I can watch this process. Once I see it, I know and that brings such peace. Such relief.
I don’t meditate to find an answer. I meditate to distance myself from my mind and realize that I need not be caught up in it’s inevitable movement. Maybe this is what is meant by awakening. Being able to shift from the process in which the mind tries to take over by thinking it has stumbled on the truth. But this is still intellectualization. It’s not about writing down a truth.
So even when I think I’ve stumbled on a truth, I try not to hold on to it. My thoughts about writing and putting is out there is also just movement of the mind.
It may be natural. But yoga is about transcending the natural. There is no formula or method. I may stumble on it. But I don’t hold on to it. Because it is beyond me or my mind.
Sometimes I feel high as a kite thinking of the times spent with Beau, the silly things we said etc. And then I want to write love poetry. But then think of all this and hold myself in. Also think of how I don’t want to come across as crazy and needy and scare off the elusive White Rabbit.
Made friends with a really cool Slavic girl called Marie who saw Beau’s pic and guessed that he must have a great sense of humour. I told her she had no idea how silly he could get ;) I like silly. Miss silly.
Love must be valued so highly in the world because it is such a painful experience that it propels one into the heights of self-growth. Therefore by logic, love can never be fulfilling in itself. If it was, then there would be no growth. We would just be self-complacent and stagnant.
Still not decided what to do for the semester break. Had been thinking of going North and getting more training in yogasana practice but not sure anymore. If there’s one thing I’m learning here it’s that it doesn’t matter what you read, talk about, listen to or attend. Ultimately you have to practice it yourself. And so with baby steps my experiments continue.
It is believed that when you think a thought repeatedly, your neurons get trained in that thought pattern. So in order to un-train it, you have to consciously think the opposite. For example, if you hate someone, you have to try and focus on their good points. Otherwise this thought loop becomes a destructive habit that ultimately enslaves you.
I can see how I have quite unknowingly trained myself in many ways. And now that I’m here, thinking of the past, what I did, said etc and wondering what next, I can see myself setting myself up for the inevitable pain (because everything is ultimately going to be painful – if I do get to see Beau again, the next parting will be painful. And if I don’t see him again, then that will be painful as well). So I’m trying to see how I can stop the loop and just take things as they come.
Found a book on Jiddu Krishnamurthi. He says that everything we do is to escape something else. For example, they say that desire for another is caused by our need to escape from ourselves. So we start depending on that other person for that feeling of being able to forget ourselves. Apparently even studying yoga is our way of trying to escape this life and seek enlightenment. But this craving or aversion only generates more karma which keeps the cycle of life and death turning. So the secret is to try and engage in an activity with detachment.
On marriage he says, Love is not a habit. But we make it a habit when we get married. Then when we see the other person without any pretenses on our part or theirs, we are annoyed and get quarrelsome. But this is no way to live. But people do this and think it’s normal (I never did – which is probably why I am twice divorced!) when it’s not. He says that in this case we can only bring forth ugly babies and an ugly world. Makes a lot of sense.
All in all, glad to be here. Though I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m being very brave and not the usual bulldog who chases a guy when I think I want to be with him. Sent him a bit of a crazy email saying all this because. Feel like what I wanted to say is jumbled in my head. But actually it’s simple. I’d like to see him again. But I don’t have the courage to tell him so.
Decided not to take any medication because I know it’s not going to solve the problem in the long run. Will take Dr. Nagarathna’s advice to just believe that the food is nourishing me and sustaining me.
Glad that despite all this I manage to keep my nightly one hour of meditation practice. I’m beginning to realize that I am always in conflict - either with myself or with the world outside. I am alsorealize that everything I feel is based on my thinking – love, hurt, anger, blame, depression, desire. But my thoughts are no more valid than anybody else’s. This is such a liberating realization.
I think Meditation is not such a difficult thing. It isn’t so much as silencing the mind as distancing myself from my mind which is full of compulsive thoughts. Meditation allows me to stand outside and observe. It doesn’t matter if I have thoughts or not. What I have to understand is that during my meditation, what doesn’t exist in that moment of reality doesn’t really exist.
Everything goes on without my thinking about it. My thinking about it does not affect what happens or does not happen. Meditation is where I can watch this process. Once I see it, I know and that brings such peace. Such relief.
I don’t meditate to find an answer. I meditate to distance myself from my mind and realize that I need not be caught up in it’s inevitable movement. Maybe this is what is meant by awakening. Being able to shift from the process in which the mind tries to take over by thinking it has stumbled on the truth. But this is still intellectualization. It’s not about writing down a truth.
So even when I think I’ve stumbled on a truth, I try not to hold on to it. My thoughts about writing and putting is out there is also just movement of the mind.
It may be natural. But yoga is about transcending the natural. There is no formula or method. I may stumble on it. But I don’t hold on to it. Because it is beyond me or my mind.
Sometimes I feel high as a kite thinking of the times spent with Beau, the silly things we said etc. And then I want to write love poetry. But then think of all this and hold myself in. Also think of how I don’t want to come across as crazy and needy and scare off the elusive White Rabbit.
Made friends with a really cool Slavic girl called Marie who saw Beau’s pic and guessed that he must have a great sense of humour. I told her she had no idea how silly he could get ;) I like silly. Miss silly.
Love must be valued so highly in the world because it is such a painful experience that it propels one into the heights of self-growth. Therefore by logic, love can never be fulfilling in itself. If it was, then there would be no growth. We would just be self-complacent and stagnant.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
26th March 2011 (9.30am)
Haven’t been able to write in ages because I felt that nothing good would be put down. All negative, morbid and violent thoughts along the lines of – they are animals, They don’t appreciate politeness and so have to be treated like animals.
(Continued 27th March 2011 4.07am)
But that would be an insult to animals. Especially the sweet dog who is the object of some sadist’s experiments (someone tied a wire really tight around his right back leg. The foot swelled up and dropped off after a few weeks. And then the wire was tied further up near his knee. Now a third wire seems to have been tied on his thigh. My feeble attempts to contact an animal shelter to have him picked up and cared for have proven futile).
While I’m growing accustomed to the routine (or somewhat so – still wake up some days wondering if it would be such a bad to thing to miss the morning class…), these things grate on me. As also does the fact that I am being fleeced for more money to get a single room, while the Indian girls almost all enjoy single rooms. I should have put my foot down when they asked me to pay $35/day for the 15days I spent here last December helping them out under the guise of Karma yoga. I finally managed to get off with paying INR 5000. But I was still not given a room. I suspect now that maybe Indians are racist when it comes to their Asian neighbours but bend over backwards to get kicked in the arse by the fairer skinned visitors. Case in point would be the tiny mustachioed guy in the kitchen who meekly hands out fruit when he’s shouted at. But when you speak to him nicely and treat him like a human being, he offers you rotten fruit or nothing. Hmmmm…. I wonder what I’m doing wrong here.
But all this seemed trivial and petty and nasty and boring (yes, even the other tiny mustachioed man - who I learnt is the Course Coordinator – who called a meeting to supposedly hear student complaints with a view to improving the quality of education offered at the University, but who was more interested in telling us to pay up in time for the coming semester, arrange are shoes in order when we go for lunch, avoid eating in the cleaner diningroom and promote the university among friends and relatives – while stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that the University is not equipped to handle anymore students comfortably, which I in turn stubbornly pointed out to him.
But moving on to more serious things, the sleep disturbances, heart palpitations and scarily numbing feeling of my left hand and tightness in my chest and left shoulder still persist. I’ve gained a couple of kilograms since I started eating clarified butter (ghee) everyday with my breakfast but I’m still losing hair and looking emaciated. Not to mention I feel like crap, irritated by the stupidity I see around me – like the teacher who tells me I can’t submit a typed assignment as I may have copied it from someone else and therefore requires me to hand in a handwritten submission. Seriously!?! Of course I know its pointless to even attempt to explain to him that I never copied in my life and don’t intend to start at the ripe age of 32.
Going back to meditation. It’s good but the problems haven’t still been put to rest (which may explain why I’m up at this ungodly hour writing this!)
Was very upset when Beau was not available to chat after getting back from his holiday so decided to steel myself for the inevitable and stop deluding myself with thoughts of him. Worked for a week. If you can call deliberately trying to put him out of my mind as not thinking of him. Relapsed a few days ago and mailed him. Miss him. And I mean just him and not so much the way he makes me feel. And of course I tell myself if I had known that I would feel this way I would have held on to him all day, and played with his curls and kissed his cheeks. *sigh indeed*
Thank god it’s Sunday! I can sleep. Though I should be focusing on my assignment.
Funny how the Friday off here seems to pass by so fast when the Fridays off in Hargeisa were deliciously and at the same time agonizingly slow to pass.
Looks like I’ll make it to class after all. Though I hope the teacher won’t be a dick about the fact that I wasn’t able to get a print out of my assignment because the man at the call centre didn’t know how to log on to the system! Good morning to you too!
(Continued 27th March 2011 4.07am)
But that would be an insult to animals. Especially the sweet dog who is the object of some sadist’s experiments (someone tied a wire really tight around his right back leg. The foot swelled up and dropped off after a few weeks. And then the wire was tied further up near his knee. Now a third wire seems to have been tied on his thigh. My feeble attempts to contact an animal shelter to have him picked up and cared for have proven futile).
While I’m growing accustomed to the routine (or somewhat so – still wake up some days wondering if it would be such a bad to thing to miss the morning class…), these things grate on me. As also does the fact that I am being fleeced for more money to get a single room, while the Indian girls almost all enjoy single rooms. I should have put my foot down when they asked me to pay $35/day for the 15days I spent here last December helping them out under the guise of Karma yoga. I finally managed to get off with paying INR 5000. But I was still not given a room. I suspect now that maybe Indians are racist when it comes to their Asian neighbours but bend over backwards to get kicked in the arse by the fairer skinned visitors. Case in point would be the tiny mustachioed guy in the kitchen who meekly hands out fruit when he’s shouted at. But when you speak to him nicely and treat him like a human being, he offers you rotten fruit or nothing. Hmmmm…. I wonder what I’m doing wrong here.
But all this seemed trivial and petty and nasty and boring (yes, even the other tiny mustachioed man - who I learnt is the Course Coordinator – who called a meeting to supposedly hear student complaints with a view to improving the quality of education offered at the University, but who was more interested in telling us to pay up in time for the coming semester, arrange are shoes in order when we go for lunch, avoid eating in the cleaner diningroom and promote the university among friends and relatives – while stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that the University is not equipped to handle anymore students comfortably, which I in turn stubbornly pointed out to him.
But moving on to more serious things, the sleep disturbances, heart palpitations and scarily numbing feeling of my left hand and tightness in my chest and left shoulder still persist. I’ve gained a couple of kilograms since I started eating clarified butter (ghee) everyday with my breakfast but I’m still losing hair and looking emaciated. Not to mention I feel like crap, irritated by the stupidity I see around me – like the teacher who tells me I can’t submit a typed assignment as I may have copied it from someone else and therefore requires me to hand in a handwritten submission. Seriously!?! Of course I know its pointless to even attempt to explain to him that I never copied in my life and don’t intend to start at the ripe age of 32.
Going back to meditation. It’s good but the problems haven’t still been put to rest (which may explain why I’m up at this ungodly hour writing this!)
Was very upset when Beau was not available to chat after getting back from his holiday so decided to steel myself for the inevitable and stop deluding myself with thoughts of him. Worked for a week. If you can call deliberately trying to put him out of my mind as not thinking of him. Relapsed a few days ago and mailed him. Miss him. And I mean just him and not so much the way he makes me feel. And of course I tell myself if I had known that I would feel this way I would have held on to him all day, and played with his curls and kissed his cheeks. *sigh indeed*
Thank god it’s Sunday! I can sleep. Though I should be focusing on my assignment.
Funny how the Friday off here seems to pass by so fast when the Fridays off in Hargeisa were deliciously and at the same time agonizingly slow to pass.
Looks like I’ll make it to class after all. Though I hope the teacher won’t be a dick about the fact that I wasn’t able to get a print out of my assignment because the man at the call centre didn’t know how to log on to the system! Good morning to you too!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Saturday, March 26th, 2011 (11.03pm)
Today I cried big hot tears of sheer frustration and anger. And the object of my affections was Virus – the garrulous, pompous, egoistic, nasty, self-opinionated and self-important old man who takes the Science & Consciousness class. He filled me with despair since our very first class when he asked us all what level of science knowledge we hand and then proceeded to tell us how we would not stand a chance of passing the course and therefore should consider dropping out. His treatment of the students is worse than contemptuous and though the subject matter is interesting, he himself has nothing inspiring or motivating to share with us. Needless to say sitting through his classes, I feel like I am being drawn and quartered in a desert.
I also should add that despite his self-professed accomplishments, he is probably the least confident teacher I have ever met as he is easily threatened by a student who answers his questions as he is by some perceived slight if a student so much as takes a sip of water, changes position (and mind you we have to sit cross-legged on the floor for all our classes so by the time we get to his class, most of us are crippled by excruciating pain).
Unfortunately, I was the proponent of his perceived slight today as I was shaking my pencil while holding it. He proceeded to tell me I was displaying that I was nervous and that I would never be selected for a management position if I kept up that kind of behaviour.
I was livid. Afterall, what did it matter if I shook my pencil or blinked my eyes as long as I was sitting meekly and listening to him right? Well, apparently not. He proceeded to tell me that he was speaking from years of experience. I wanted to tell him that I had 5 years experience working in executive and managerial posts in a large multi-national as well as having anchored prime time news and hosted a breakfast show on national television and that his classes made me very anxious as it was bad enough that I new to the subject of yoga and consciousness, the last thing I needed was a sour, dour, bad tempered brute who taught the class like a dictator.
Of course that is a no-no and so I sat there biting back several retorts. When the class ended, it was all I could do to run behind him and tell him how I felt.
But I was too agitated and knew I would get very emotional if I did so I went to sit by the lake and listen to music while vainly trying to compose myself.
Mercifully mother-nature came to my rescue. The lake looked like a beautiful watercolour picture with the reflection of the trees, which was occasionally awakened by a surfacing fish, which sent beautiful ripples across the surface.
And as I started at it, struggling with my emotions, I realized that this was my learning. Not the last tortuous hour spent in the sour-face’s class. No. This was my real learning. To literally look the bull in the eye and not succumb to the urge to take it by the horns.
I also should add that despite his self-professed accomplishments, he is probably the least confident teacher I have ever met as he is easily threatened by a student who answers his questions as he is by some perceived slight if a student so much as takes a sip of water, changes position (and mind you we have to sit cross-legged on the floor for all our classes so by the time we get to his class, most of us are crippled by excruciating pain).
Unfortunately, I was the proponent of his perceived slight today as I was shaking my pencil while holding it. He proceeded to tell me I was displaying that I was nervous and that I would never be selected for a management position if I kept up that kind of behaviour.
I was livid. Afterall, what did it matter if I shook my pencil or blinked my eyes as long as I was sitting meekly and listening to him right? Well, apparently not. He proceeded to tell me that he was speaking from years of experience. I wanted to tell him that I had 5 years experience working in executive and managerial posts in a large multi-national as well as having anchored prime time news and hosted a breakfast show on national television and that his classes made me very anxious as it was bad enough that I new to the subject of yoga and consciousness, the last thing I needed was a sour, dour, bad tempered brute who taught the class like a dictator.
Of course that is a no-no and so I sat there biting back several retorts. When the class ended, it was all I could do to run behind him and tell him how I felt.
But I was too agitated and knew I would get very emotional if I did so I went to sit by the lake and listen to music while vainly trying to compose myself.
Mercifully mother-nature came to my rescue. The lake looked like a beautiful watercolour picture with the reflection of the trees, which was occasionally awakened by a surfacing fish, which sent beautiful ripples across the surface.
And as I started at it, struggling with my emotions, I realized that this was my learning. Not the last tortuous hour spent in the sour-face’s class. No. This was my real learning. To literally look the bull in the eye and not succumb to the urge to take it by the horns.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Thursday,March 3rd, 2011 (1.22pm)
Today I feel particularly grateful for the food I’ve been having. Especially for the fruits. I’ feeling much better and think the silence must be a big factor in it.
I find it interesting that people feel the need to talk at me and about me, commenting on the fact that I am in silence and will not speak but that that does not mean that they can’t speak to me. I wonder if they think I will respond. I feel comfortable and nourished in my silence. I also haven’t missed a single meal since I entered into silence.
I did break the silence when I went to Y’s for dinner. It was great that she understood my need to be silent as a way of taking care of myself. She in fact had remarked on it two days previously saying I should not expend my energy talking and trying to convince people who did not understand. J keeps talking to me all the time. I do respond to her most times. But I don’t mind. Even when she speaks there is a quality of silence in what she says which I enjoy.
I am vary of two of the lady participants though. In fact to be honest, I think it was one of them that led me to the silence. Its not that I mind the occasional friendly hello. But I feel trapped by them. I can imagine now how men must feel with an overly clingy woman. I remember how I was with Beau after he was ill and I cringe to think of it now. I hope never to be like that ever again.
Skyped Beau the other day. It was nice and I felt the old warmth. I’m glad because the last thing I want to do is to stress out the delicate and elusive being that he is. My period is due and I’ve been feeling incredibly tender towards him. But thank god, not in a horrible soul wrenching way. I would like to write him a letter but this might all be too much for a birthday wish. So I’ll just keep it for now and maybe send him a letter sometime later on. There’s no hurry. We are not going anywhere. Though I do worry about him a little as I feel I’m safe and secure in here while he is out there in the world, exposed to all the stressors. I hope he will take care of himself. He said that he will be out this week to celebrate his birthday in Tanzania and that his friend from Mozambique would be joining him. I thought it was sweet of him to let me know.
Been thinking of many possible future ventures in Sri Lanka and Kenya. I need to be more serious and plan my trip home this summer. It would be nice to do some work with school children. I’m also happier about the energy I feel towards my writing and painting. I’m currently working on an elephant for J. Glad that Y liked her Mandala.
Had another bad night this week and a few more sleepless nights. I was beginning to get stressed about the morning wake up. Thank god I mustered the courage to ask S to set the alarm for a bit later. And it was nice that she was such a sport about it too. Though I can’t say I’m not secretly looking forward to the possibility of having my own room. J was a darling to even suggest it.
Had another anatomy test. Have an assignment and test coming up. But feeling relaxed and in control. Also got a great book to read on relaxation and health.
Attended the power yoga class and feel I might be able to fall into a routine now. MSRT from Mondays to Thursdays. Power Yoga from Friday to Sunday. Also just set up Sanskrit script classes for Saturday and Sunday.
Finally managed to get into my Blog. It’s already the weekend and I realize I’ve done nothing more than stay in bed on my day’s off and watch TV serials. But maybe I need the time off? After all isn’t this what Karma yoga says? To learn to do whatever it is we do without conflict. So if it’s off time now I have to stop feeling guilty about not preparing for tomorrow’s exam and just do it.
Test results came today. Everything is fine. But then I could have told the doctor that. I know it’s all in my head from the way I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.
It’s Beau’s birthday on Sunday and I’m feeling all romantically tender towards the big doll. How I wish I had been more appreciative of the time I had with him instead of anticipating and dreading his leaving. Made him a soppy card and mailing him. Hope I don’t spoil his week off.
Friday,March 4th, 2011 (9.15pm)
Today I feel particularly grateful for the food I’ve been having. Especially for the fruits. I’ feeling much better and think the silence must be a big factor in it.
I find it interesting that people feel the need to talk at me and about me, commenting on the fact that I am in silence and will not speak but that that does not mean that they can’t speak to me. I wonder if they think I will respond. I feel comfortable and nourished in my silence. I also haven’t missed a single meal since I entered into silence.
I did break the silence when I went to Y’s for dinner. It was great that she understood my need to be silent as a way of taking care of myself. She in fact had remarked on it two days previously saying I should not expend my energy talking and trying to convince people who did not understand. J keeps talking to me all the time. I do respond to her most times. But I don’t mind. Even when she speaks there is a quality of silence in what she says which I enjoy.
I am vary of two of the lady participants though. In fact to be honest, I think it was one of them that led me to the silence. Its not that I mind the occasional friendly hello. But I feel trapped by them. I can imagine now how men must feel with an overly clingy woman. I remember how I was with Beau after he was ill and I cringe to think of it now. I hope never to be like that ever again.
Skyped Beau the other day. It was nice and I felt the old warmth. I’m glad because the last thing I want to do is to stress out the delicate and elusive being that he is. My period is due and I’ve been feeling incredibly tender towards him. But thank god, not in a horrible soul wrenching way. I would like to write him a letter but this might all be too much for a birthday wish. So I’ll just keep it for now and maybe send him a letter sometime later on. There’s no hurry. We are not going anywhere. Though I do worry about him a little as I feel I’m safe and secure in here while he is out there in the world, exposed to all the stressors. I hope he will take care of himself. He said that he will be out this week to celebrate his birthday in Tanzania and that his friend from Mozambique would be joining him. I thought it was sweet of him to let me know.
Been thinking of many possible future ventures in Sri Lanka and Kenya. I need to be more serious and plan my trip home this summer. It would be nice to do some work with school children. I’m also happier about the energy I feel towards my writing and painting. I’m currently working on an elephant for J. Glad that Y liked her Mandala.
Had another bad night this week and a few more sleepless nights. I was beginning to get stressed about the morning wake up. Thank god I mustered the courage to ask S to set the alarm for a bit later. And it was nice that she was such a sport about it too. Though I can’t say I’m not secretly looking forward to the possibility of having my own room. J was a darling to even suggest it.
Had another anatomy test. Have an assignment and test coming up. But feeling relaxed and in control. Also got a great book to read on relaxation and health.
Attended the power yoga class and feel I might be able to fall into a routine now. MSRT from Mondays to Thursdays. Power Yoga from Friday to Sunday. Also just set up Sanskrit script classes for Saturday and Sunday.
Finally managed to get into my Blog. It’s already the weekend and I realize I’ve done nothing more than stay in bed on my day’s off and watch TV serials. But maybe I need the time off? After all isn’t this what Karma yoga says? To learn to do whatever it is we do without conflict. So if it’s off time now I have to stop feeling guilty about not preparing for tomorrow’s exam and just do it.
Test results came today. Everything is fine. But then I could have told the doctor that. I know it’s all in my head from the way I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.
It’s Beau’s birthday on Sunday and I’m feeling all romantically tender towards the big doll. How I wish I had been more appreciative of the time I had with him instead of anticipating and dreading his leaving. Made him a soppy card and mailing him. Hope I don’t spoil his week off.
Friday,March 4th, 2011 (9.15pm)
Month 2
Sunday, February 27th, 2011 (9.36am)
I've lost my password for the umpteenth time and can't post on the blog so typing up the updates on a word document.
J showed me some exercises to loosen my shoulders.
I seem to have put on a few kgs. I’m feeling slightly fuller in the midriff. Looks like the daily teaspoon of ghee at breakfast is doing the trick. I wonder how I’m going to maintain my tummy though if I don’t get some proper exercise.
I’ve been trying to make the time to exercise in the evenings but after Bhajan I discovered the Mind, Sound Resonance Therapy (MSRT). It certainly eased my neck pain though I don’t find shavasan the most comfortable position and therefore didn’t go for it for more than a week or so.
The month’s passing fairly quickly as we get more into depth of the subjects. Other than a handful of people in class, I can’t bring myself to speak to anybody. It’s the same in the diningroom. P left. Going to miss seeing him around especially since I was looking forward to learning to play the classical guitar. But it’s not like we great friends or anything. W finds my interest in the psychological approach to yoga interesting. I enjoy referring him to books I have read. But on the whole I enjoy being left alone.
Been reading a lot and one day this meditation just came to me one morning as I sat at morning prayer when I started breathing from the base of my spine instead of my abdomen. It filled me up with an energy while at the same time isolating me from the rest of the crowd, and liberating me. The whole day I was filled with a strange calmness and strength. So I tried it the next day as well. However on the night of the second day, I felt that the energy inside me was too great and needed to be released and I didn’t know how. I felt strangely elated but afraid. I don’t know if I had managed to even touch the kundalini, but decided that I probably don’t want to try it again without fully knowing what I’m doing.
I feel so tired all the time and want to sleep every little chance that I can. It seems to feeding a vicious cycle though because I don’t feel rested much. Just irritable. I am eating better though since I have easier access to the store and get more fruit. I’m beginning to think maybe I should go easier on myself so I wake up at 4.30am instead of 4.20am and shower before the morning prayer.
The whole month seemed like a build up to the 26th. I didn’t know if I should call home or not. Decided there was no need. Afterall what can I say or can someone else say that would be right for the occasion. Thank god my sister called me a few days before. It was good talking to her and Naren.
That was the day I had the good dream. Where I had dreamt that Bonny was leaving home. This time we all knew he was not coming back so mama hired a cab to take him to the airport. We all sat at the back of the cab. Bonny was resting his head on my shoulder. And I felt this immense tenderness towards him which radiated through him and back at me. There was no need for us to talk. Everything was going to be alright.
I had been having heart palpitations in the middle of the night earlier in February.
These episodes made my left arm numb. The residential Ayurvedic Doctor didn’t see much concerned. He just told me that I was anaemic and underweight and probably had low blood pressure. He also suggested that the cold could be a reason for the numb hand. I didn’t tell him that the cold should affect both hands and not just the left hand. He very helpfully suggested that I include more raw vegetables and fruit in my diet. I wonder if he had somehow not heard me when I told him I was a student there.
Anyway, I’m getting to the way things are done here. More or less. So I bought myself an iron tonic and B12 & C syrup.
I don’t enjoy the Tabla lessons anymore. So I let the teacher know that I won’t be coming in hereafter. I seem to have enough things to stress me out now. I don’t need anything extra. The cough and cold have come back as well.
Have been a bit annoyed since seeing the emails from the magazine crowd talking about blogging. I like the way they politely demand that the writers blog a minimum of 3 days a week. When it comes to remuneration though, they hazily say something about paying the writers 20%. I would like to respond to a particular line of theirs saying that they would rather the writers not engage in any marketing of their businesses as they blog about their experiences as business entrepreneurs. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m on a journey. My writing is what supports me. And if they’re not able to remunerate me for my work, then I don’t think I need to spend my time writing for them. Simple as that.
On the 25th again I woke up with intense palpitations and the sick feeling as my left hand pulsated and numbed. I ate some biscuits and took the tonic deciding to visit the Allopathic Doctor the next day. I was slightly happier with the visit but not looking forward to the TSH profile I had been ordered to do. She thinks my symptoms are indicative of Hyperthyroidism.
Been missing hearing from Beau. Have this irresistible urge to feed him though so tried sending him a care package. But customs complications put a stop to that. He had mailed a couple of times while travelling and I detect a faint echo of the tenderness of past. But it is so difficult to judge from such a distance if his passion is cooling. Determined to just concentrate on my studies and let things take their own course.
Quite unexpectedly found myself talking to and enjoying the company of one of the YIC students. I also got a very sweet invitation to dinner with Y & J. Turned out to be quite a dinner. Y fed my body and soul. At the end of it she held my hands tightly and I felt a pressure easing within me as I began to cry. I can’t help feeling intensely sad that I will never see Bonny again. Can’t help but think that if only I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself and had only reached out to him that day, he would still be alive.
Maybe this is the reason I need to stop smoking. Not that I have in more than two months. But I wonder if I do need to kick the habit completely or if I can enjoy the occasional smoke with friends. I never was addicted to it. Just wonder if it will set me back in my practice? I certainly haven’t been smoking since I got here and I have not been meditating or practicing my asanas as much as I used to last year.
Don’t think I have cried this much in the year past since Bonny’s death. So badly want to be comforted. So badly miss talking to someone who knew Bonny. Almost texted Beau telling him that if I loved myself half as much as I claimed to love the men in my life, I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Wanted to say that if I had loved my brother half as much he would still be alive. But I felt that was too harsh to unload on him.
So tried calling Mama and Akka but hung up as didn’t want to upset them. Dialled PK but hung up again as not sure I want to get that close to him. Just decided to dive in and call Beau. It was great talking to him again. I immediately felt much better and nothing seemed to matter much after that. He says he will call to find out how the blood test went. It would be nice to hear from him but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
The blood test the next day was not the pleasantest. I did enjoy the sensation of fainting afterwards though. It was with some reluctance that I came to when the lady at the clinic repeatedly called my name as she tried to revive me. I decided to stay in and not put myself through the painful experience of having to make small talk with people. I stayed in bed the whole day watching How I met Your Mother and didn’t feel one bit guilty about it.
I can’t find the photographs I had scanned while in Somaliland of Bonny, Gemmo, Akka and myself. When I remember that particular photography of Bonny at my birthday with the Humpty Dumpty cake, and again after he caught the eel and that last one of him by the pond as he playfully grimaced in the sunlight, I feel this terrible heaviness in my heart that he is no more. I can hardly believe it. I think this is how mama must be feeling as well.
Couldn’t afford to miss another day so came out today. However feeling so rested and peaceful after my self-enforced isolation yesterday that I was surprised to find myself slightly resentful towards people who try to talk to me. On an impulse I actually responded to someone who approached me after the morning prayer, that I was trying to maintain silence. I’m now sporting a zingy pink post it that proclaims to the random passerby that I am “IN SILENCE”. It’s funny how people seem to be more inclined to try and talk to me. Bizarre still that I find myself enjoying hiding behind the post-it as I politely smile and look away. I have nothing to say to people today. And I doubt they have anything to say that I want to hear.
I've lost my password for the umpteenth time and can't post on the blog so typing up the updates on a word document.
J showed me some exercises to loosen my shoulders.
I seem to have put on a few kgs. I’m feeling slightly fuller in the midriff. Looks like the daily teaspoon of ghee at breakfast is doing the trick. I wonder how I’m going to maintain my tummy though if I don’t get some proper exercise.
I’ve been trying to make the time to exercise in the evenings but after Bhajan I discovered the Mind, Sound Resonance Therapy (MSRT). It certainly eased my neck pain though I don’t find shavasan the most comfortable position and therefore didn’t go for it for more than a week or so.
The month’s passing fairly quickly as we get more into depth of the subjects. Other than a handful of people in class, I can’t bring myself to speak to anybody. It’s the same in the diningroom. P left. Going to miss seeing him around especially since I was looking forward to learning to play the classical guitar. But it’s not like we great friends or anything. W finds my interest in the psychological approach to yoga interesting. I enjoy referring him to books I have read. But on the whole I enjoy being left alone.
Been reading a lot and one day this meditation just came to me one morning as I sat at morning prayer when I started breathing from the base of my spine instead of my abdomen. It filled me up with an energy while at the same time isolating me from the rest of the crowd, and liberating me. The whole day I was filled with a strange calmness and strength. So I tried it the next day as well. However on the night of the second day, I felt that the energy inside me was too great and needed to be released and I didn’t know how. I felt strangely elated but afraid. I don’t know if I had managed to even touch the kundalini, but decided that I probably don’t want to try it again without fully knowing what I’m doing.
I feel so tired all the time and want to sleep every little chance that I can. It seems to feeding a vicious cycle though because I don’t feel rested much. Just irritable. I am eating better though since I have easier access to the store and get more fruit. I’m beginning to think maybe I should go easier on myself so I wake up at 4.30am instead of 4.20am and shower before the morning prayer.
The whole month seemed like a build up to the 26th. I didn’t know if I should call home or not. Decided there was no need. Afterall what can I say or can someone else say that would be right for the occasion. Thank god my sister called me a few days before. It was good talking to her and Naren.
That was the day I had the good dream. Where I had dreamt that Bonny was leaving home. This time we all knew he was not coming back so mama hired a cab to take him to the airport. We all sat at the back of the cab. Bonny was resting his head on my shoulder. And I felt this immense tenderness towards him which radiated through him and back at me. There was no need for us to talk. Everything was going to be alright.
I had been having heart palpitations in the middle of the night earlier in February.
These episodes made my left arm numb. The residential Ayurvedic Doctor didn’t see much concerned. He just told me that I was anaemic and underweight and probably had low blood pressure. He also suggested that the cold could be a reason for the numb hand. I didn’t tell him that the cold should affect both hands and not just the left hand. He very helpfully suggested that I include more raw vegetables and fruit in my diet. I wonder if he had somehow not heard me when I told him I was a student there.
Anyway, I’m getting to the way things are done here. More or less. So I bought myself an iron tonic and B12 & C syrup.
I don’t enjoy the Tabla lessons anymore. So I let the teacher know that I won’t be coming in hereafter. I seem to have enough things to stress me out now. I don’t need anything extra. The cough and cold have come back as well.
Have been a bit annoyed since seeing the emails from the magazine crowd talking about blogging. I like the way they politely demand that the writers blog a minimum of 3 days a week. When it comes to remuneration though, they hazily say something about paying the writers 20%. I would like to respond to a particular line of theirs saying that they would rather the writers not engage in any marketing of their businesses as they blog about their experiences as business entrepreneurs. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m on a journey. My writing is what supports me. And if they’re not able to remunerate me for my work, then I don’t think I need to spend my time writing for them. Simple as that.
On the 25th again I woke up with intense palpitations and the sick feeling as my left hand pulsated and numbed. I ate some biscuits and took the tonic deciding to visit the Allopathic Doctor the next day. I was slightly happier with the visit but not looking forward to the TSH profile I had been ordered to do. She thinks my symptoms are indicative of Hyperthyroidism.
Been missing hearing from Beau. Have this irresistible urge to feed him though so tried sending him a care package. But customs complications put a stop to that. He had mailed a couple of times while travelling and I detect a faint echo of the tenderness of past. But it is so difficult to judge from such a distance if his passion is cooling. Determined to just concentrate on my studies and let things take their own course.
Quite unexpectedly found myself talking to and enjoying the company of one of the YIC students. I also got a very sweet invitation to dinner with Y & J. Turned out to be quite a dinner. Y fed my body and soul. At the end of it she held my hands tightly and I felt a pressure easing within me as I began to cry. I can’t help feeling intensely sad that I will never see Bonny again. Can’t help but think that if only I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself and had only reached out to him that day, he would still be alive.
Maybe this is the reason I need to stop smoking. Not that I have in more than two months. But I wonder if I do need to kick the habit completely or if I can enjoy the occasional smoke with friends. I never was addicted to it. Just wonder if it will set me back in my practice? I certainly haven’t been smoking since I got here and I have not been meditating or practicing my asanas as much as I used to last year.
Don’t think I have cried this much in the year past since Bonny’s death. So badly want to be comforted. So badly miss talking to someone who knew Bonny. Almost texted Beau telling him that if I loved myself half as much as I claimed to love the men in my life, I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Wanted to say that if I had loved my brother half as much he would still be alive. But I felt that was too harsh to unload on him.
So tried calling Mama and Akka but hung up as didn’t want to upset them. Dialled PK but hung up again as not sure I want to get that close to him. Just decided to dive in and call Beau. It was great talking to him again. I immediately felt much better and nothing seemed to matter much after that. He says he will call to find out how the blood test went. It would be nice to hear from him but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
The blood test the next day was not the pleasantest. I did enjoy the sensation of fainting afterwards though. It was with some reluctance that I came to when the lady at the clinic repeatedly called my name as she tried to revive me. I decided to stay in and not put myself through the painful experience of having to make small talk with people. I stayed in bed the whole day watching How I met Your Mother and didn’t feel one bit guilty about it.
I can’t find the photographs I had scanned while in Somaliland of Bonny, Gemmo, Akka and myself. When I remember that particular photography of Bonny at my birthday with the Humpty Dumpty cake, and again after he caught the eel and that last one of him by the pond as he playfully grimaced in the sunlight, I feel this terrible heaviness in my heart that he is no more. I can hardly believe it. I think this is how mama must be feeling as well.
Couldn’t afford to miss another day so came out today. However feeling so rested and peaceful after my self-enforced isolation yesterday that I was surprised to find myself slightly resentful towards people who try to talk to me. On an impulse I actually responded to someone who approached me after the morning prayer, that I was trying to maintain silence. I’m now sporting a zingy pink post it that proclaims to the random passerby that I am “IN SILENCE”. It’s funny how people seem to be more inclined to try and talk to me. Bizarre still that I find myself enjoying hiding behind the post-it as I politely smile and look away. I have nothing to say to people today. And I doubt they have anything to say that I want to hear.
The Adventure - Month 1
Sunday, February 06, 2011 (2.07pm)
A week shy of a month and I’ve decided to go ahead and keep a journal. It has been the most bizarre 3 weeks and I figured that if the coming 92 weeks are going to be anything like it, I would like to keep a record.
I thought about if for almost a year. Life was great. I was working, travelling, experiencing and loving it and hating it at the same time. It was time for a change. I wouldn’t have known it if not for Bonny - my witty, devilishly good looking darling brother who quietly slipped away. Leaving me with a void and a presence that I had failed to see when he lived.
People say they want to do something they love. I was doing what I loved. But I wanted more. I wanted to love what I was doing too. But I didn’t know how until Bonny’s passing.
The suggestion to get certified as a yoga teacher came quite unexpectedly, just as did a chance friendship with an Italian girl who happened to be visiting Somaliland from Kenya on work. And what an extraordinary friendship that was. You could say it marked my birth, growth and death. My eagerness grew like a rogue seed which had been hiding in the earth.
I checked out courses and found one which was being offered as a prerequisite for various academic and vocational courses in Yoga. I promptly applied for the Masters in Yoga & Journalism which was due to commence August 2010. The Deputy Registrar who had been in touch with me throughout the application process was very helpful in getting the necessary documents across so that I could get my visa. Everything worked out like clockwork despite the fact that I was up North in Sri Lanka working on a small project.
And then a couple of weeks before the programme was due to commence, I was notified that the course would not be starting as scheduled as there were not enough students on roll.
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. After all, 2 years is a long time to someone who’s starting life over. Was I ready to make that commitment? When the Deputy registrar suggested I get on the MSc programme even as late as September, I politely declined.
But now, several starts, stops, detours and several yet more starts later, I’m finally here - three weeks into the programme, sitting in my quiet, neat little room after my first meal that doesn’t threaten to make me sick. Talk about rollercoaster rides!
I’d already been here in November of last year to complete the Yoga Instructor’s Course. Of course I had no clue that I would be in for the long haul. But I enjoyed the structure, discipline and energy that I found here. And so when after a grueling month my classmates jumped on the bus that would take them out of Prashanti Kutiram with their newly issued Yoga Instructor Certificates, I waved them goodbye. I had decided to stay on for a couple more weeks, absorb the energy, read and engage in Karma Yoga. I was at peace.
I’m sure that I’m not the first traveler who decided to change her plans and linger on. But I think I may be the first one who actually did so with no plan. I didn’t even speak to anyone about what next. I just woke up every morning, assisted with the next batch of participants for the Yoga Instructors Course, attended the morning chanting and discourse and the evening bhajan, visited the library, and made friends.
It wasn’t until almost the end of my visit and Karma Yoga was looking slightly more like Karma and less like Yoga that I haphazardly decided to apply for the January intake of Masters programmes. Having attended a few discourses on the Prasna Upanishad by the resident Swami and being entranced by the peaceful and almost transcendental quality of his glass-walled class through which the trees seemed more luminous and alive than anywhere else on the campus, I was leaning towards the Masters in Yoga & Consciousness. However, I was advised that it would not be easy as I would require a working knowledge of the Devanagri script in order to study the slokas which were in Sanskrit. Moreover, the course was offered only in August. With less than 2 days to go, I handed in my application, was lucky enough to have my selection interview early and that was that.
After 3 weeks in sunny beautiful Sri Lanka with my beautiful man, coming back to Prashanti Kutiram was surreal. It was a cold and brightly sunny morning and I remember how everyone seemed to be abuzz with theories of the end that was coming in 2012 and how we could save ourselves. My first impulse was to pack up and fly off to be with my Beau. I even turned back from the cashier deciding not to pay my course fee. After all if we were all going to perish what was I doing holing myself up in an ashram away from him? Standing at the entrance to the reception I texted him and was pleasantly brought back to the real world by him sweetly common sense response saying he was in a horrid meeting and would love for a cosmic shift right then. God bless him. This was why I needed him in my life. As much as he was able to take me soaring to the heights of ecstasy, he also brought me down to earth like no one else did.
I did end up paying my fees a week later even if only for the first semester. I’m enjoying the course. I did have a little difficulty settling in but that all seems to be in the past. I think if I can just learn to complain less and not react to situations in the coming year, I would have achieved a lot. I’m already learning because every single day has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and if I kept a daily diary I would probably come across as schizophrenic. But I’m learning to let the emotions wash over me and though the waves buffet me, I am trying to learn how to stand my ground and not be overcome by them. So I’ll journal once a month.
Started learning the Tabla. My teacher says I’m a fast learner. I enjoy the classes though I would prefer if he let me practice by myself more rather than he giving me many new lessons everytime.
This month’s breakthrough? I mustered up the courage to tell my Dad I was sorry I was not a comfort to him in his time of loss. I told him I didn’t know what to do and asked him to take care of myself. He responded thanking me for the message and saying that it had come at a particularly lonely time for him. It is slowly sinking in that Bonny is really no more and I will never be able to see him or speak to him again. It is an awful feeling. I can’t even begin to imagine what my mother and father are going through. It’s going to be a year since Bonny passed.
I’ve been seriously thinking about cutting my hair again. This time I have even found someone who I think I can depend on to do it. But finally after 2 days of planning, I just chopped it off myself with a tiny crafts scissor. It took less than 5minutes and I like the new look. Makes me feel so much lighter and younger.
My neck hurts and my shoulders feel very tense. Maybe I should consider changing my pillow
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