Month 2

Sunday, February 27th, 2011 (9.36am)

I've lost my password for the umpteenth time and can't post on the blog so typing up the updates on a word document.

J showed me some exercises to loosen my shoulders.
I seem to have put on a few kgs. I’m feeling slightly fuller in the midriff. Looks like the daily teaspoon of ghee at breakfast is doing the trick. I wonder how I’m going to maintain my tummy though if I don’t get some proper exercise.

I’ve been trying to make the time to exercise in the evenings but after Bhajan I discovered the Mind, Sound Resonance Therapy (MSRT). It certainly eased my neck pain though I don’t find shavasan the most comfortable position and therefore didn’t go for it for more than a week or so.

The month’s passing fairly quickly as we get more into depth of the subjects. Other than a handful of people in class, I can’t bring myself to speak to anybody. It’s the same in the diningroom. P left. Going to miss seeing him around especially since I was looking forward to learning to play the classical guitar. But it’s not like we great friends or anything. W finds my interest in the psychological approach to yoga interesting. I enjoy referring him to books I have read. But on the whole I enjoy being left alone.

Been reading a lot and one day this meditation just came to me one morning as I sat at morning prayer when I started breathing from the base of my spine instead of my abdomen. It filled me up with an energy while at the same time isolating me from the rest of the crowd, and liberating me. The whole day I was filled with a strange calmness and strength. So I tried it the next day as well. However on the night of the second day, I felt that the energy inside me was too great and needed to be released and I didn’t know how. I felt strangely elated but afraid. I don’t know if I had managed to even touch the kundalini, but decided that I probably don’t want to try it again without fully knowing what I’m doing.

I feel so tired all the time and want to sleep every little chance that I can. It seems to feeding a vicious cycle though because I don’t feel rested much. Just irritable. I am eating better though since I have easier access to the store and get more fruit. I’m beginning to think maybe I should go easier on myself so I wake up at 4.30am instead of 4.20am and shower before the morning prayer.

The whole month seemed like a build up to the 26th. I didn’t know if I should call home or not. Decided there was no need. Afterall what can I say or can someone else say that would be right for the occasion. Thank god my sister called me a few days before. It was good talking to her and Naren.

That was the day I had the good dream. Where I had dreamt that Bonny was leaving home. This time we all knew he was not coming back so mama hired a cab to take him to the airport. We all sat at the back of the cab. Bonny was resting his head on my shoulder. And I felt this immense tenderness towards him which radiated through him and back at me. There was no need for us to talk. Everything was going to be alright.
I had been having heart palpitations in the middle of the night earlier in February.

These episodes made my left arm numb. The residential Ayurvedic Doctor didn’t see much concerned. He just told me that I was anaemic and underweight and probably had low blood pressure. He also suggested that the cold could be a reason for the numb hand. I didn’t tell him that the cold should affect both hands and not just the left hand. He very helpfully suggested that I include more raw vegetables and fruit in my diet. I wonder if he had somehow not heard me when I told him I was a student there.

Anyway, I’m getting to the way things are done here. More or less. So I bought myself an iron tonic and B12 & C syrup.

I don’t enjoy the Tabla lessons anymore. So I let the teacher know that I won’t be coming in hereafter. I seem to have enough things to stress me out now. I don’t need anything extra. The cough and cold have come back as well.

Have been a bit annoyed since seeing the emails from the magazine crowd talking about blogging. I like the way they politely demand that the writers blog a minimum of 3 days a week. When it comes to remuneration though, they hazily say something about paying the writers 20%. I would like to respond to a particular line of theirs saying that they would rather the writers not engage in any marketing of their businesses as they blog about their experiences as business entrepreneurs. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m on a journey. My writing is what supports me. And if they’re not able to remunerate me for my work, then I don’t think I need to spend my time writing for them. Simple as that.

On the 25th again I woke up with intense palpitations and the sick feeling as my left hand pulsated and numbed. I ate some biscuits and took the tonic deciding to visit the Allopathic Doctor the next day. I was slightly happier with the visit but not looking forward to the TSH profile I had been ordered to do. She thinks my symptoms are indicative of Hyperthyroidism.

Been missing hearing from Beau. Have this irresistible urge to feed him though so tried sending him a care package. But customs complications put a stop to that. He had mailed a couple of times while travelling and I detect a faint echo of the tenderness of past. But it is so difficult to judge from such a distance if his passion is cooling. Determined to just concentrate on my studies and let things take their own course.

Quite unexpectedly found myself talking to and enjoying the company of one of the YIC students. I also got a very sweet invitation to dinner with Y & J. Turned out to be quite a dinner. Y fed my body and soul. At the end of it she held my hands tightly and I felt a pressure easing within me as I began to cry. I can’t help feeling intensely sad that I will never see Bonny again. Can’t help but think that if only I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself and had only reached out to him that day, he would still be alive.

Maybe this is the reason I need to stop smoking. Not that I have in more than two months. But I wonder if I do need to kick the habit completely or if I can enjoy the occasional smoke with friends. I never was addicted to it. Just wonder if it will set me back in my practice? I certainly haven’t been smoking since I got here and I have not been meditating or practicing my asanas as much as I used to last year.

Don’t think I have cried this much in the year past since Bonny’s death. So badly want to be comforted. So badly miss talking to someone who knew Bonny. Almost texted Beau telling him that if I loved myself half as much as I claimed to love the men in my life, I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Wanted to say that if I had loved my brother half as much he would still be alive. But I felt that was too harsh to unload on him.

So tried calling Mama and Akka but hung up as didn’t want to upset them. Dialled PK but hung up again as not sure I want to get that close to him. Just decided to dive in and call Beau. It was great talking to him again. I immediately felt much better and nothing seemed to matter much after that. He says he will call to find out how the blood test went. It would be nice to hear from him but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

The blood test the next day was not the pleasantest. I did enjoy the sensation of fainting afterwards though. It was with some reluctance that I came to when the lady at the clinic repeatedly called my name as she tried to revive me. I decided to stay in and not put myself through the painful experience of having to make small talk with people. I stayed in bed the whole day watching How I met Your Mother and didn’t feel one bit guilty about it.

I can’t find the photographs I had scanned while in Somaliland of Bonny, Gemmo, Akka and myself. When I remember that particular photography of Bonny at my birthday with the Humpty Dumpty cake, and again after he caught the eel and that last one of him by the pond as he playfully grimaced in the sunlight, I feel this terrible heaviness in my heart that he is no more. I can hardly believe it. I think this is how mama must be feeling as well.

Couldn’t afford to miss another day so came out today. However feeling so rested and peaceful after my self-enforced isolation yesterday that I was surprised to find myself slightly resentful towards people who try to talk to me. On an impulse I actually responded to someone who approached me after the morning prayer, that I was trying to maintain silence. I’m now sporting a zingy pink post it that proclaims to the random passerby that I am “IN SILENCE”. It’s funny how people seem to be more inclined to try and talk to me. Bizarre still that I find myself enjoying hiding behind the post-it as I politely smile and look away. I have nothing to say to people today. And I doubt they have anything to say that I want to hear.