Thursday,March 3rd, 2011 (1.22pm)

Today I feel particularly grateful for the food I’ve been having. Especially for the fruits. I’ feeling much better and think the silence must be a big factor in it.

I find it interesting that people feel the need to talk at me and about me, commenting on the fact that I am in silence and will not speak but that that does not mean that they can’t speak to me. I wonder if they think I will respond. I feel comfortable and nourished in my silence. I also haven’t missed a single meal since I entered into silence.

I did break the silence when I went to Y’s for dinner. It was great that she understood my need to be silent as a way of taking care of myself. She in fact had remarked on it two days previously saying I should not expend my energy talking and trying to convince people who did not understand. J keeps talking to me all the time. I do respond to her most times. But I don’t mind. Even when she speaks there is a quality of silence in what she says which I enjoy.

I am vary of two of the lady participants though. In fact to be honest, I think it was one of them that led me to the silence. Its not that I mind the occasional friendly hello. But I feel trapped by them. I can imagine now how men must feel with an overly clingy woman. I remember how I was with Beau after he was ill and I cringe to think of it now. I hope never to be like that ever again.

Skyped Beau the other day. It was nice and I felt the old warmth. I’m glad because the last thing I want to do is to stress out the delicate and elusive being that he is. My period is due and I’ve been feeling incredibly tender towards him. But thank god, not in a horrible soul wrenching way. I would like to write him a letter but this might all be too much for a birthday wish. So I’ll just keep it for now and maybe send him a letter sometime later on. There’s no hurry. We are not going anywhere. Though I do worry about him a little as I feel I’m safe and secure in here while he is out there in the world, exposed to all the stressors. I hope he will take care of himself. He said that he will be out this week to celebrate his birthday in Tanzania and that his friend from Mozambique would be joining him. I thought it was sweet of him to let me know.

Been thinking of many possible future ventures in Sri Lanka and Kenya. I need to be more serious and plan my trip home this summer. It would be nice to do some work with school children. I’m also happier about the energy I feel towards my writing and painting. I’m currently working on an elephant for J. Glad that Y liked her Mandala.

Had another bad night this week and a few more sleepless nights. I was beginning to get stressed about the morning wake up. Thank god I mustered the courage to ask S to set the alarm for a bit later. And it was nice that she was such a sport about it too. Though I can’t say I’m not secretly looking forward to the possibility of having my own room. J was a darling to even suggest it.

Had another anatomy test. Have an assignment and test coming up. But feeling relaxed and in control. Also got a great book to read on relaxation and health.

Attended the power yoga class and feel I might be able to fall into a routine now. MSRT from Mondays to Thursdays. Power Yoga from Friday to Sunday. Also just set up Sanskrit script classes for Saturday and Sunday.

Finally managed to get into my Blog. It’s already the weekend and I realize I’ve done nothing more than stay in bed on my day’s off and watch TV serials. But maybe I need the time off? After all isn’t this what Karma yoga says? To learn to do whatever it is we do without conflict. So if it’s off time now I have to stop feeling guilty about not preparing for tomorrow’s exam and just do it.

Test results came today. Everything is fine. But then I could have told the doctor that. I know it’s all in my head from the way I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.

It’s Beau’s birthday on Sunday and I’m feeling all romantically tender towards the big doll. How I wish I had been more appreciative of the time I had with him instead of anticipating and dreading his leaving. Made him a soppy card and mailing him. Hope I don’t spoil his week off.

Friday,March 4th, 2011 (9.15pm)