Saturday, 16th April 2011 (12.51pm)

Tried to get Beau online but was not possible. Which led to an episode that I’m not very proud of. All in all, I decided not to keep doing this to myself and stop trying to contact him. I’m sure that should he feel the need to contact me, he is quite capable of doing so. It’s been a week now and I’m doing pretty good.

It also helped that last week I agreed to take part in the dance drama that the university was putting up for the visit of the National Accreditation Committee.

I’ve been slightly stiff and anxious to get the steps right but I seem to be getting better everyday. Or so it seems on some days. But most importantly I am enjoying myself. Not so much the 1+ hour drive into the city and the grueling practices in a cramped and poorly ventilated dance studio but the interaction with my fellow students and the little shopping I managed to do on our way out. Yesterday I replaced my lost nose stud and got myself a set of beautiful glass bangles!
Was slightly apprehensive about my mood as Dushy’s birthday is coming up next week, but I have decided to plant a couple of Neem trees and it gives me a good feeling.

Most importantly, I braved the dragon and told Virus that I did not enjoy his class and wanted to opt out. He was sadly ineffective in his defence but seems to be taking it quite well (considering the tantrums he’s capable of). Still I haven’t met him like he asked me to. But the practices have been taking up all my time. I haven’t meditated or attended any classes since Wednesday.

But there is absolutely no conflict within me. I trust myself to do exactly what is needed at that time and that is good. For instance, I have decided not to buy anymore credit for my mobile phone. So for the past 2 weeks or so, it functions as an alarm clock and device to receive messages and calls on. I have no complaints so far.

I also moved into a single room across from the room I was sharing. I do miss the evening chats with the cool dusky Indian girl from Goa. But it nice to have my own space too. Though it is an extravagance that I felt I should not indulge in given my “unemployed” status, I value the space it gives me to be. I also realized yesterday that need this space and time to be true to myself instead of trying to trick someone else and myself into something that isn’t coming naturally.

I have been thinking about all the things I do to make the guy I am with happy. Not particularly at any cost. But still I feel I have tried to be what I think they want me to be and by that I know I have not been utterly true to them or to myself. The only two times that I was utterly myself was with PK after we broke up and there was no pressure of trying to be what he wanted me to be and with Beau when I knew for a fact that I loved him and nothing else mattered. The latter was the most beautiful experience. And I don’t think I want to ever forget it. Though I am very much aware that things have changed since then, nothing can take that away from me and I am happy with that knowledge.

Today I was pleasantly surprised to find myself confident and warm in my sentiments during the NAAC prep meeting. From the faculty and student’s response, the feeling seems to be contagious and I’m glad for the grace I seem to be receiving as I finally seem to be settling in in the third month.

We are creatures of habit and I for one am a habitual complainer. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t take the lesson from a rough deal. I am thankful for each and everything in my life.