Friday, April 22, 2011 (9.15am)

It’s been a crazy week, with rehearsals for the visit of the National Academic Accreditation Committee. One night after we’d got back, we had coffee in the oldest building here and a short tour of the residence of the old lady who’s inspiration this place was. I find it strange that these people not only worshipped different people or gods who they believed had been reincarnated, but also claimed to have seen them and interacted with them and died on a day related to that particular god. It has however led me to soften my view of them. I have enjoyed not having to attend most classes though having to be around so many people is exhausting. I was relieved when I developed a fever and infected sinuses which gave me some respite.

Yesterday was Bonny’s birthday and I wanted to have two Neem trees planted. I think the guy in charge must have realized I was on a short tether because he told me this morning that he had got it done after cancelling on me twice yesterday. I didn’t call home because I can’t even begin to think how Mama must be feeling to have lost her baby.

I am nervous about going home and dealing with all these emotions. But I think it’s time I just stopped doing things all the time and just spent time with my family. Though it would be nice to give some yoga classes. I’ve decided to mail Suzanne and VJ and check what’s possible. Though this would mean being in Colombo. Maybe it would be better to try Suthas’ ashram in Wattala. Also have to check if the little business idea I had is worth going through with.

I have been watching the Friends TV show almost non-stop when I’m not hanging around for dance rehearsals. I realize that it’s a way to stop thinking about Beau though sometimes I find that that’s all I end up doing.

I would like to write him or talk to him but I feel that everything I do now will only make things worse. It’s far from the spontaneity that I had with him and I’m painfully reminded about the epiphany I had last year that we should plan the next meeting just as long as we were able to be sincere, kind, gentle, wild, fun, tender, loving and spontaneous. I still feel everything for him. But I doubt spontaneity is one of them when I can’t decide how I want to say what I want to him.

For now all I know is that I miss talking with him and it hurts like hell. Nothing seems to matter and I am afraid I have stopped meditating or wanting to do anything even remotely spiritual. The most important thing seems to be able to talk to him again. But at this point I don’t want to mess things up further and so would rather concentrate on my family and try to get back into my studies and see him when I complete the course. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place. Because right now all I seem capable of doing is moping and binging on junk food.

Told myself today that I have to cut myself some slack but then if I don’t get serious by next week after all the NAAC hula-hoop is done, how am I going to get through this semester? I’ve thought about quitting so many times because I feel I don’t have the energy or the will to continue this for 3 more semesters. Afraid if I don’t change my ways that I may get thrown out of here soon. Had a bit of a scene with virus who called me in to refuse to let me sit the course without attending his boring classes. Got caught reading in his class the same day and it was not nice.
I’m afraid I’m turning out to be like him. I can’t seem to respect all the old people (what with their constant wind-breaking and belching and foul-smelling mouths) who seem to be flocking to this place. And I snapped at 2 children yesterday for being noisy, annoying little brats.

Thank god today is the day of the performance and there’s still 2 more days of NAAC visiting before the week commences in full swing. I’m slightly dreading the student meeting with the NAAC people this afternoon as I don’t feel sincere anymore since they made us rehearse our answers and asked us to lie about certain things. It’s started raining now and I’m looking forward to cooler days.