07th April 2011 (1.39pm)

I’m coming to realize that I should not be at such loggerheads with myself.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.

I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!

But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.

The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.

In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.

Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.

I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.

I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.