02nd April 2011 (11.54am)

Feeling under the weather again so stayed in bed yesterday and today. Just had to slow down and step out so took my morning wash and then walked down to the lake to just be. I am glad for the book of daily prayers and thoughts that I picked up at the book store. It helps me to connect to a familiar spirituality in this world of foreign gods and prayers and rituals. Saw the little snake swim across the lake and just enjoyed the early morning quietude. When I started to walk back, I came upon a tiny snake in my path. It was nice to just stand and watch. Each of us acknowledging the other’s presence but with no untoward insisting that it was our space. Pointed it out to one of the staff who was walking with his baby daughter. Unfortunately he proceeded to roll a stone onto it for the amusement of his daughter despite my remonstrations.

Still not decided what to do for the semester break. Had been thinking of going North and getting more training in yogasana practice but not sure anymore. If there’s one thing I’m learning here it’s that it doesn’t matter what you read, talk about, listen to or attend. Ultimately you have to practice it yourself. And so with baby steps my experiments continue.

It is believed that when you think a thought repeatedly, your neurons get trained in that thought pattern. So in order to un-train it, you have to consciously think the opposite. For example, if you hate someone, you have to try and focus on their good points. Otherwise this thought loop becomes a destructive habit that ultimately enslaves you.

I can see how I have quite unknowingly trained myself in many ways. And now that I’m here, thinking of the past, what I did, said etc and wondering what next, I can see myself setting myself up for the inevitable pain (because everything is ultimately going to be painful – if I do get to see Beau again, the next parting will be painful. And if I don’t see him again, then that will be painful as well). So I’m trying to see how I can stop the loop and just take things as they come.

Found a book on Jiddu Krishnamurthi. He says that everything we do is to escape something else. For example, they say that desire for another is caused by our need to escape from ourselves. So we start depending on that other person for that feeling of being able to forget ourselves. Apparently even studying yoga is our way of trying to escape this life and seek enlightenment. But this craving or aversion only generates more karma which keeps the cycle of life and death turning. So the secret is to try and engage in an activity with detachment.

On marriage he says, Love is not a habit. But we make it a habit when we get married. Then when we see the other person without any pretenses on our part or theirs, we are annoyed and get quarrelsome. But this is no way to live. But people do this and think it’s normal (I never did – which is probably why I am twice divorced!) when it’s not. He says that in this case we can only bring forth ugly babies and an ugly world. Makes a lot of sense.

All in all, glad to be here. Though I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m being very brave and not the usual bulldog who chases a guy when I think I want to be with him. Sent him a bit of a crazy email saying all this because. Feel like what I wanted to say is jumbled in my head. But actually it’s simple. I’d like to see him again. But I don’t have the courage to tell him so.

Decided not to take any medication because I know it’s not going to solve the problem in the long run. Will take Dr. Nagarathna’s advice to just believe that the food is nourishing me and sustaining me.

Glad that despite all this I manage to keep my nightly one hour of meditation practice. I’m beginning to realize that I am always in conflict - either with myself or with the world outside. I am alsorealize that everything I feel is based on my thinking – love, hurt, anger, blame, depression, desire. But my thoughts are no more valid than anybody else’s. This is such a liberating realization.

I think Meditation is not such a difficult thing. It isn’t so much as silencing the mind as distancing myself from my mind which is full of compulsive thoughts. Meditation allows me to stand outside and observe. It doesn’t matter if I have thoughts or not. What I have to understand is that during my meditation, what doesn’t exist in that moment of reality doesn’t really exist.

Everything goes on without my thinking about it. My thinking about it does not affect what happens or does not happen. Meditation is where I can watch this process. Once I see it, I know and that brings such peace. Such relief.

I don’t meditate to find an answer. I meditate to distance myself from my mind and realize that I need not be caught up in it’s inevitable movement. Maybe this is what is meant by awakening. Being able to shift from the process in which the mind tries to take over by thinking it has stumbled on the truth. But this is still intellectualization. It’s not about writing down a truth.

So even when I think I’ve stumbled on a truth, I try not to hold on to it. My thoughts about writing and putting is out there is also just movement of the mind.

It may be natural. But yoga is about transcending the natural. There is no formula or method. I may stumble on it. But I don’t hold on to it. Because it is beyond me or my mind.

Sometimes I feel high as a kite thinking of the times spent with Beau, the silly things we said etc. And then I want to write love poetry. But then think of all this and hold myself in. Also think of how I don’t want to come across as crazy and needy and scare off the elusive White Rabbit.

Made friends with a really cool Slavic girl called Marie who saw Beau’s pic and guessed that he must have a great sense of humour. I told her she had no idea how silly he could get ;) I like silly. Miss silly.

Love must be valued so highly in the world because it is such a painful experience that it propels one into the heights of self-growth. Therefore by logic, love can never be fulfilling in itself. If it was, then there would be no growth. We would just be self-complacent and stagnant.