Another eventful week and a most insightful month comes to an end. The dreaded meeting went just as I had anticipated it would. Which is why I was pretty surprised that everyone else seems to be so optimistic about it. I even got congratulated on being the most vociferous student at the NAAC meeting.
The performance also went by without a hitch (atleast not on my part. I did see a few missed steps alongside me but I was too shut out to care). It all started with the wig which was pinned into my skull. It not only made me look like the hermaphrodite I’d seen begging on the street in Bangalore, but it also made me the last one to get ready despite being the first one to get there. It also made me very mad because the rest of my troupe seemed to have developed goldfish memories all of a sudden and gobbled up what was supposed to be my share of the attire. So I was minus ornaments and flowers for my hair while they had extra. Oddly enough I was the only one who seemed to think it odd.
Then the other day when I was having a class with Dr. Nagarathna, I broke down while she was talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and named war, divorce, death of a family member and separation from a loved one as some of the most stressful situations a person could go through. I experienced all these in the short span of a year and thought that I was handling things remarkably well. But when she asked us what advice we could give a mother who was grieving for her dead son I realized that I had no idea how to comfort my mother at all.
In the welcome privacy of my room I cried a long time for my funny, handsome, brilliant and loveable brother who I could never see or speak to again.
Jin made an attempt to draw me out but I was in no mood to see any of my classmates. I don’t feel like I can talk to any of them and I am ok with that. After all, I haven’t come here to make friends. I have come to learn how to love life and live it fully live with everything I have going on. If I make friends it’s all well and good but I wouldn’t hold my breath. This realization of my almost total emotional independence and complete comfort in my own company gives me great satisfaction though I am also wonderfully tempered in my celebrations.
I also cried with the beautiful realization that I am in love. I value the ease with which I am able to talk about things with Beau. He doesn’t tell me it’s all going to be ok or that what I’m going through is natural. He does reassure me that my family has my best interests at heart and that I must never ever forget that. He just lets me rant and get it out of my system. But most importantly, he doesn’t catch me out on the many and varied projects that I have started and stopped or planned and not started at all. I don’t know if he does it intentionally or not, but I appreciate it very much and miss the warmth of having him with me though I know I can wait forever to be with him again.
I am learning to watch the emotions – both painful and pleasurable - and not get carried away with them. So instead of brooding in my room, I enjoyed painting my mirror a beautiful Ultramarine after which I gave my little prayer table an antique look with the face of a peacefully meditative curly red-haired girl with a yin-yang pendant. Something similar to what I’d done for Lorenza.
Spoke to Nikki on Easter Sunday. Naren may have to undergo surgery for the sties on his eyes. The poor baby. I’m glad I decided to go home and spend time with the family. I think this time I’ll be doing it more for myself than for them. I’m booked to fly to Colombo on 4th June.
I caught up with Beau online as well and again (as always) I was reminded of his sweet, uncomplicated and down to earth nature that so draws me to him. Even if I am not able to see him this summer it’s ok. I don’t want to unload my crap on him. I found it hard to stay calm after that and was doubly grateful for the pain of the last few days. Now instead on focusing on how painful it is to be apart from him, I think about all the reasons why I love him.
I was most grateful for the opportunity to speak to Camilla who I had been short with earlier in the week. The conversation had started out ok but had threatened to go down the usual complaining track and I didn’t feel I could take it so I said so (maybe not in the most supportive tone). But later when we spoke, I could see that she was still suffering with her situation and I felt more capable of supporting her as I’d been past that particular problem myself. I hope I was able to explain to her that everything was ok – the pain, disappointment, need, anger, frustration etc – she just had to stop judging her emotions and consequentially trying to get rid of those she thought bad. Everything was natural and had to be dealt with as such. There is no escaping that. But it will be less overwhelming if she stopped fighting it.
I myself am beginning to be more comfortable with myself and how I’m going about dealing with things. It’s lead me to feel more confident and the creativity I was missing is beginning to show like the tender green shoots I see springing up everywhere in the freshly rain-drenched earth. Talking about green, I’m enjoying taking care of Bonny’s Neem every evening. Miyako was sweet enough to invite me to the cowshed one evening and I got to meet the inhabitants. The cows and bulls and I are yet to become friends but the calves are sweet and wrinkled their noses as they let me scratch them behind the ears. I met the newest addition to the family. In return I showed Miyako Bonny’s Neem for which we got some cow dung. We’re also playing around with the idea of starting our own little garden near the Girls’ Hostel.
Read Aravind Adiga’s White Tiger and loved it. It’s a brilliant book which speaks to us of our times all over the third world. I would like to gift it to so many people I know in Sri Lanka. Reading Krishnamurthy for Beginners: An Anthropology and finding many thoughts that seem to echo my current state of mind. I love that about the reading I’ve been doing. It’s giving me so many ideas. Today I picked up Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Sky is the Limit and pretty excited. It’s giving me the boost I need to follow up on VJ’s brilliant idea of creating a page and offering yoga classes while I’m in Sri Lanka.
I’m planning on painting an elephant on the wall above my bed. I’ve sketched it out, but I won’t rush with the colour and details. This one is going to be perfect.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011 (9.15am)
It’s been a crazy week, with rehearsals for the visit of the National Academic Accreditation Committee. One night after we’d got back, we had coffee in the oldest building here and a short tour of the residence of the old lady who’s inspiration this place was. I find it strange that these people not only worshipped different people or gods who they believed had been reincarnated, but also claimed to have seen them and interacted with them and died on a day related to that particular god. It has however led me to soften my view of them. I have enjoyed not having to attend most classes though having to be around so many people is exhausting. I was relieved when I developed a fever and infected sinuses which gave me some respite.
Yesterday was Bonny’s birthday and I wanted to have two Neem trees planted. I think the guy in charge must have realized I was on a short tether because he told me this morning that he had got it done after cancelling on me twice yesterday. I didn’t call home because I can’t even begin to think how Mama must be feeling to have lost her baby.
I am nervous about going home and dealing with all these emotions. But I think it’s time I just stopped doing things all the time and just spent time with my family. Though it would be nice to give some yoga classes. I’ve decided to mail Suzanne and VJ and check what’s possible. Though this would mean being in Colombo. Maybe it would be better to try Suthas’ ashram in Wattala. Also have to check if the little business idea I had is worth going through with.
I have been watching the Friends TV show almost non-stop when I’m not hanging around for dance rehearsals. I realize that it’s a way to stop thinking about Beau though sometimes I find that that’s all I end up doing.
I would like to write him or talk to him but I feel that everything I do now will only make things worse. It’s far from the spontaneity that I had with him and I’m painfully reminded about the epiphany I had last year that we should plan the next meeting just as long as we were able to be sincere, kind, gentle, wild, fun, tender, loving and spontaneous. I still feel everything for him. But I doubt spontaneity is one of them when I can’t decide how I want to say what I want to him.
For now all I know is that I miss talking with him and it hurts like hell. Nothing seems to matter and I am afraid I have stopped meditating or wanting to do anything even remotely spiritual. The most important thing seems to be able to talk to him again. But at this point I don’t want to mess things up further and so would rather concentrate on my family and try to get back into my studies and see him when I complete the course. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place. Because right now all I seem capable of doing is moping and binging on junk food.
Told myself today that I have to cut myself some slack but then if I don’t get serious by next week after all the NAAC hula-hoop is done, how am I going to get through this semester? I’ve thought about quitting so many times because I feel I don’t have the energy or the will to continue this for 3 more semesters. Afraid if I don’t change my ways that I may get thrown out of here soon. Had a bit of a scene with virus who called me in to refuse to let me sit the course without attending his boring classes. Got caught reading in his class the same day and it was not nice.
I’m afraid I’m turning out to be like him. I can’t seem to respect all the old people (what with their constant wind-breaking and belching and foul-smelling mouths) who seem to be flocking to this place. And I snapped at 2 children yesterday for being noisy, annoying little brats.
Thank god today is the day of the performance and there’s still 2 more days of NAAC visiting before the week commences in full swing. I’m slightly dreading the student meeting with the NAAC people this afternoon as I don’t feel sincere anymore since they made us rehearse our answers and asked us to lie about certain things. It’s started raining now and I’m looking forward to cooler days.
Yesterday was Bonny’s birthday and I wanted to have two Neem trees planted. I think the guy in charge must have realized I was on a short tether because he told me this morning that he had got it done after cancelling on me twice yesterday. I didn’t call home because I can’t even begin to think how Mama must be feeling to have lost her baby.
I am nervous about going home and dealing with all these emotions. But I think it’s time I just stopped doing things all the time and just spent time with my family. Though it would be nice to give some yoga classes. I’ve decided to mail Suzanne and VJ and check what’s possible. Though this would mean being in Colombo. Maybe it would be better to try Suthas’ ashram in Wattala. Also have to check if the little business idea I had is worth going through with.
I have been watching the Friends TV show almost non-stop when I’m not hanging around for dance rehearsals. I realize that it’s a way to stop thinking about Beau though sometimes I find that that’s all I end up doing.
I would like to write him or talk to him but I feel that everything I do now will only make things worse. It’s far from the spontaneity that I had with him and I’m painfully reminded about the epiphany I had last year that we should plan the next meeting just as long as we were able to be sincere, kind, gentle, wild, fun, tender, loving and spontaneous. I still feel everything for him. But I doubt spontaneity is one of them when I can’t decide how I want to say what I want to him.
For now all I know is that I miss talking with him and it hurts like hell. Nothing seems to matter and I am afraid I have stopped meditating or wanting to do anything even remotely spiritual. The most important thing seems to be able to talk to him again. But at this point I don’t want to mess things up further and so would rather concentrate on my family and try to get back into my studies and see him when I complete the course. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place. Because right now all I seem capable of doing is moping and binging on junk food.
Told myself today that I have to cut myself some slack but then if I don’t get serious by next week after all the NAAC hula-hoop is done, how am I going to get through this semester? I’ve thought about quitting so many times because I feel I don’t have the energy or the will to continue this for 3 more semesters. Afraid if I don’t change my ways that I may get thrown out of here soon. Had a bit of a scene with virus who called me in to refuse to let me sit the course without attending his boring classes. Got caught reading in his class the same day and it was not nice.
I’m afraid I’m turning out to be like him. I can’t seem to respect all the old people (what with their constant wind-breaking and belching and foul-smelling mouths) who seem to be flocking to this place. And I snapped at 2 children yesterday for being noisy, annoying little brats.
Thank god today is the day of the performance and there’s still 2 more days of NAAC visiting before the week commences in full swing. I’m slightly dreading the student meeting with the NAAC people this afternoon as I don’t feel sincere anymore since they made us rehearse our answers and asked us to lie about certain things. It’s started raining now and I’m looking forward to cooler days.
Saturday, 16th April 2011 (12.51pm)
Tried to get Beau online but was not possible. Which led to an episode that I’m not very proud of. All in all, I decided not to keep doing this to myself and stop trying to contact him. I’m sure that should he feel the need to contact me, he is quite capable of doing so. It’s been a week now and I’m doing pretty good.
It also helped that last week I agreed to take part in the dance drama that the university was putting up for the visit of the National Accreditation Committee.
I’ve been slightly stiff and anxious to get the steps right but I seem to be getting better everyday. Or so it seems on some days. But most importantly I am enjoying myself. Not so much the 1+ hour drive into the city and the grueling practices in a cramped and poorly ventilated dance studio but the interaction with my fellow students and the little shopping I managed to do on our way out. Yesterday I replaced my lost nose stud and got myself a set of beautiful glass bangles!
Was slightly apprehensive about my mood as Dushy’s birthday is coming up next week, but I have decided to plant a couple of Neem trees and it gives me a good feeling.
Most importantly, I braved the dragon and told Virus that I did not enjoy his class and wanted to opt out. He was sadly ineffective in his defence but seems to be taking it quite well (considering the tantrums he’s capable of). Still I haven’t met him like he asked me to. But the practices have been taking up all my time. I haven’t meditated or attended any classes since Wednesday.
But there is absolutely no conflict within me. I trust myself to do exactly what is needed at that time and that is good. For instance, I have decided not to buy anymore credit for my mobile phone. So for the past 2 weeks or so, it functions as an alarm clock and device to receive messages and calls on. I have no complaints so far.
I also moved into a single room across from the room I was sharing. I do miss the evening chats with the cool dusky Indian girl from Goa. But it nice to have my own space too. Though it is an extravagance that I felt I should not indulge in given my “unemployed” status, I value the space it gives me to be. I also realized yesterday that need this space and time to be true to myself instead of trying to trick someone else and myself into something that isn’t coming naturally.
I have been thinking about all the things I do to make the guy I am with happy. Not particularly at any cost. But still I feel I have tried to be what I think they want me to be and by that I know I have not been utterly true to them or to myself. The only two times that I was utterly myself was with PK after we broke up and there was no pressure of trying to be what he wanted me to be and with Beau when I knew for a fact that I loved him and nothing else mattered. The latter was the most beautiful experience. And I don’t think I want to ever forget it. Though I am very much aware that things have changed since then, nothing can take that away from me and I am happy with that knowledge.
Today I was pleasantly surprised to find myself confident and warm in my sentiments during the NAAC prep meeting. From the faculty and student’s response, the feeling seems to be contagious and I’m glad for the grace I seem to be receiving as I finally seem to be settling in in the third month.
We are creatures of habit and I for one am a habitual complainer. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t take the lesson from a rough deal. I am thankful for each and everything in my life.
It also helped that last week I agreed to take part in the dance drama that the university was putting up for the visit of the National Accreditation Committee.
I’ve been slightly stiff and anxious to get the steps right but I seem to be getting better everyday. Or so it seems on some days. But most importantly I am enjoying myself. Not so much the 1+ hour drive into the city and the grueling practices in a cramped and poorly ventilated dance studio but the interaction with my fellow students and the little shopping I managed to do on our way out. Yesterday I replaced my lost nose stud and got myself a set of beautiful glass bangles!
Was slightly apprehensive about my mood as Dushy’s birthday is coming up next week, but I have decided to plant a couple of Neem trees and it gives me a good feeling.
Most importantly, I braved the dragon and told Virus that I did not enjoy his class and wanted to opt out. He was sadly ineffective in his defence but seems to be taking it quite well (considering the tantrums he’s capable of). Still I haven’t met him like he asked me to. But the practices have been taking up all my time. I haven’t meditated or attended any classes since Wednesday.
But there is absolutely no conflict within me. I trust myself to do exactly what is needed at that time and that is good. For instance, I have decided not to buy anymore credit for my mobile phone. So for the past 2 weeks or so, it functions as an alarm clock and device to receive messages and calls on. I have no complaints so far.
I also moved into a single room across from the room I was sharing. I do miss the evening chats with the cool dusky Indian girl from Goa. But it nice to have my own space too. Though it is an extravagance that I felt I should not indulge in given my “unemployed” status, I value the space it gives me to be. I also realized yesterday that need this space and time to be true to myself instead of trying to trick someone else and myself into something that isn’t coming naturally.
I have been thinking about all the things I do to make the guy I am with happy. Not particularly at any cost. But still I feel I have tried to be what I think they want me to be and by that I know I have not been utterly true to them or to myself. The only two times that I was utterly myself was with PK after we broke up and there was no pressure of trying to be what he wanted me to be and with Beau when I knew for a fact that I loved him and nothing else mattered. The latter was the most beautiful experience. And I don’t think I want to ever forget it. Though I am very much aware that things have changed since then, nothing can take that away from me and I am happy with that knowledge.
Today I was pleasantly surprised to find myself confident and warm in my sentiments during the NAAC prep meeting. From the faculty and student’s response, the feeling seems to be contagious and I’m glad for the grace I seem to be receiving as I finally seem to be settling in in the third month.
We are creatures of habit and I for one am a habitual complainer. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t take the lesson from a rough deal. I am thankful for each and everything in my life.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
07th April 2011 (1.39pm)
I’m coming to realize that I should not be at such loggerheads with myself.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.
I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!
But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.
The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.
In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.
Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.
I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.
I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.
I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!
But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.
The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.
In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.
Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.
I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.
I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
02nd April 2011 (11.54am)
Feeling under the weather again so stayed in bed yesterday and today. Just had to slow down and step out so took my morning wash and then walked down to the lake to just be. I am glad for the book of daily prayers and thoughts that I picked up at the book store. It helps me to connect to a familiar spirituality in this world of foreign gods and prayers and rituals. Saw the little snake swim across the lake and just enjoyed the early morning quietude. When I started to walk back, I came upon a tiny snake in my path. It was nice to just stand and watch. Each of us acknowledging the other’s presence but with no untoward insisting that it was our space. Pointed it out to one of the staff who was walking with his baby daughter. Unfortunately he proceeded to roll a stone onto it for the amusement of his daughter despite my remonstrations.
Still not decided what to do for the semester break. Had been thinking of going North and getting more training in yogasana practice but not sure anymore. If there’s one thing I’m learning here it’s that it doesn’t matter what you read, talk about, listen to or attend. Ultimately you have to practice it yourself. And so with baby steps my experiments continue.
It is believed that when you think a thought repeatedly, your neurons get trained in that thought pattern. So in order to un-train it, you have to consciously think the opposite. For example, if you hate someone, you have to try and focus on their good points. Otherwise this thought loop becomes a destructive habit that ultimately enslaves you.
I can see how I have quite unknowingly trained myself in many ways. And now that I’m here, thinking of the past, what I did, said etc and wondering what next, I can see myself setting myself up for the inevitable pain (because everything is ultimately going to be painful – if I do get to see Beau again, the next parting will be painful. And if I don’t see him again, then that will be painful as well). So I’m trying to see how I can stop the loop and just take things as they come.
Found a book on Jiddu Krishnamurthi. He says that everything we do is to escape something else. For example, they say that desire for another is caused by our need to escape from ourselves. So we start depending on that other person for that feeling of being able to forget ourselves. Apparently even studying yoga is our way of trying to escape this life and seek enlightenment. But this craving or aversion only generates more karma which keeps the cycle of life and death turning. So the secret is to try and engage in an activity with detachment.
On marriage he says, Love is not a habit. But we make it a habit when we get married. Then when we see the other person without any pretenses on our part or theirs, we are annoyed and get quarrelsome. But this is no way to live. But people do this and think it’s normal (I never did – which is probably why I am twice divorced!) when it’s not. He says that in this case we can only bring forth ugly babies and an ugly world. Makes a lot of sense.
All in all, glad to be here. Though I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m being very brave and not the usual bulldog who chases a guy when I think I want to be with him. Sent him a bit of a crazy email saying all this because. Feel like what I wanted to say is jumbled in my head. But actually it’s simple. I’d like to see him again. But I don’t have the courage to tell him so.
Decided not to take any medication because I know it’s not going to solve the problem in the long run. Will take Dr. Nagarathna’s advice to just believe that the food is nourishing me and sustaining me.
Glad that despite all this I manage to keep my nightly one hour of meditation practice. I’m beginning to realize that I am always in conflict - either with myself or with the world outside. I am alsorealize that everything I feel is based on my thinking – love, hurt, anger, blame, depression, desire. But my thoughts are no more valid than anybody else’s. This is such a liberating realization.
I think Meditation is not such a difficult thing. It isn’t so much as silencing the mind as distancing myself from my mind which is full of compulsive thoughts. Meditation allows me to stand outside and observe. It doesn’t matter if I have thoughts or not. What I have to understand is that during my meditation, what doesn’t exist in that moment of reality doesn’t really exist.
Everything goes on without my thinking about it. My thinking about it does not affect what happens or does not happen. Meditation is where I can watch this process. Once I see it, I know and that brings such peace. Such relief.
I don’t meditate to find an answer. I meditate to distance myself from my mind and realize that I need not be caught up in it’s inevitable movement. Maybe this is what is meant by awakening. Being able to shift from the process in which the mind tries to take over by thinking it has stumbled on the truth. But this is still intellectualization. It’s not about writing down a truth.
So even when I think I’ve stumbled on a truth, I try not to hold on to it. My thoughts about writing and putting is out there is also just movement of the mind.
It may be natural. But yoga is about transcending the natural. There is no formula or method. I may stumble on it. But I don’t hold on to it. Because it is beyond me or my mind.
Sometimes I feel high as a kite thinking of the times spent with Beau, the silly things we said etc. And then I want to write love poetry. But then think of all this and hold myself in. Also think of how I don’t want to come across as crazy and needy and scare off the elusive White Rabbit.
Made friends with a really cool Slavic girl called Marie who saw Beau’s pic and guessed that he must have a great sense of humour. I told her she had no idea how silly he could get ;) I like silly. Miss silly.
Love must be valued so highly in the world because it is such a painful experience that it propels one into the heights of self-growth. Therefore by logic, love can never be fulfilling in itself. If it was, then there would be no growth. We would just be self-complacent and stagnant.
Still not decided what to do for the semester break. Had been thinking of going North and getting more training in yogasana practice but not sure anymore. If there’s one thing I’m learning here it’s that it doesn’t matter what you read, talk about, listen to or attend. Ultimately you have to practice it yourself. And so with baby steps my experiments continue.
It is believed that when you think a thought repeatedly, your neurons get trained in that thought pattern. So in order to un-train it, you have to consciously think the opposite. For example, if you hate someone, you have to try and focus on their good points. Otherwise this thought loop becomes a destructive habit that ultimately enslaves you.
I can see how I have quite unknowingly trained myself in many ways. And now that I’m here, thinking of the past, what I did, said etc and wondering what next, I can see myself setting myself up for the inevitable pain (because everything is ultimately going to be painful – if I do get to see Beau again, the next parting will be painful. And if I don’t see him again, then that will be painful as well). So I’m trying to see how I can stop the loop and just take things as they come.
Found a book on Jiddu Krishnamurthi. He says that everything we do is to escape something else. For example, they say that desire for another is caused by our need to escape from ourselves. So we start depending on that other person for that feeling of being able to forget ourselves. Apparently even studying yoga is our way of trying to escape this life and seek enlightenment. But this craving or aversion only generates more karma which keeps the cycle of life and death turning. So the secret is to try and engage in an activity with detachment.
On marriage he says, Love is not a habit. But we make it a habit when we get married. Then when we see the other person without any pretenses on our part or theirs, we are annoyed and get quarrelsome. But this is no way to live. But people do this and think it’s normal (I never did – which is probably why I am twice divorced!) when it’s not. He says that in this case we can only bring forth ugly babies and an ugly world. Makes a lot of sense.
All in all, glad to be here. Though I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m being very brave and not the usual bulldog who chases a guy when I think I want to be with him. Sent him a bit of a crazy email saying all this because. Feel like what I wanted to say is jumbled in my head. But actually it’s simple. I’d like to see him again. But I don’t have the courage to tell him so.
Decided not to take any medication because I know it’s not going to solve the problem in the long run. Will take Dr. Nagarathna’s advice to just believe that the food is nourishing me and sustaining me.
Glad that despite all this I manage to keep my nightly one hour of meditation practice. I’m beginning to realize that I am always in conflict - either with myself or with the world outside. I am alsorealize that everything I feel is based on my thinking – love, hurt, anger, blame, depression, desire. But my thoughts are no more valid than anybody else’s. This is such a liberating realization.
I think Meditation is not such a difficult thing. It isn’t so much as silencing the mind as distancing myself from my mind which is full of compulsive thoughts. Meditation allows me to stand outside and observe. It doesn’t matter if I have thoughts or not. What I have to understand is that during my meditation, what doesn’t exist in that moment of reality doesn’t really exist.
Everything goes on without my thinking about it. My thinking about it does not affect what happens or does not happen. Meditation is where I can watch this process. Once I see it, I know and that brings such peace. Such relief.
I don’t meditate to find an answer. I meditate to distance myself from my mind and realize that I need not be caught up in it’s inevitable movement. Maybe this is what is meant by awakening. Being able to shift from the process in which the mind tries to take over by thinking it has stumbled on the truth. But this is still intellectualization. It’s not about writing down a truth.
So even when I think I’ve stumbled on a truth, I try not to hold on to it. My thoughts about writing and putting is out there is also just movement of the mind.
It may be natural. But yoga is about transcending the natural. There is no formula or method. I may stumble on it. But I don’t hold on to it. Because it is beyond me or my mind.
Sometimes I feel high as a kite thinking of the times spent with Beau, the silly things we said etc. And then I want to write love poetry. But then think of all this and hold myself in. Also think of how I don’t want to come across as crazy and needy and scare off the elusive White Rabbit.
Made friends with a really cool Slavic girl called Marie who saw Beau’s pic and guessed that he must have a great sense of humour. I told her she had no idea how silly he could get ;) I like silly. Miss silly.
Love must be valued so highly in the world because it is such a painful experience that it propels one into the heights of self-growth. Therefore by logic, love can never be fulfilling in itself. If it was, then there would be no growth. We would just be self-complacent and stagnant.
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