A sage once said that you can’t
really call someone a Beggar, or a Thief, or a Terrorist, because that person
is not always engaged in beggary, thievery or terrorism. For atleast a minute
in their life, they are givers, or lovers. And then they are no different from
me or you. And the only thing that separates “us” from “them” is the thought
that was acted on or allowed to pass.
In the same vein, one can never truly
be a Celibate. One can only try to be
celibate from moment to moment. But it is these moments that make all the difference.
I had a month of such moments in the recent past. Emotions and thoughts
emerged, each as strong in their own right, each one’s build-up giving birth to
the other and vice versa. But after they had been allowed to pass, I emerged, different,
maybe even stronger.
There are many theories on how
the suppression of a natural biological urge can lead to illness in body or
mind. My experiments taught me that when that suppression is a conscious and
voluntary choice, it is not suppression so much as sublimation. And it is a very
potent process. All processes are driven by energy. When the process is allowed
to culminate, there is an expenditure of energy. And when that very process is
observed and subverted, that energy can be harnessed and utilized for other
processes.
This simple lesson taught me that
I need not pin my energy on someone else and then resent them for it’s expense
when nothing came of the interaction. Instead, I could harness that energy and
use it creatively in my own life. This created a positive shift in my
interactions with the world around me. I learnt card games that I thought I was
too impatient to learn. I made Tomato jam going on nothing more than a memory
of tasting it as a child and was even able to add my own special tweak to it
without so much as a measuring cup. And of course I made great friends in the process.
When my energy was concentrated within, I found I had more to give.
I put an end to those moments one
afternoon. And I was surprised to find
that the conscious and deliberate awareness that I had cultivated in the
process allowed me to retain my energy even during my interaction with the
other person. And so when that brief interaction was terminated by the other
person, I was left feeling as complete and content as I had been before.
This isn’t to say that I’ve found
the key to lasting happiness. The experiment was definitely supplemented by skeptical
and well-meaning friends who were concerned about the status of my mental
health and not-so-happy potential lovers who thought it was a gentle put-down.
But definitely an experiment I’d like to try sometime again. Maybe even for a
longer period of time
