Celebrating Celibacy

A sage once said that you can’t really call someone a Beggar, or a Thief, or a Terrorist, because that person is not always engaged in beggary, thievery or terrorism. For atleast a minute in their life, they are givers, or lovers. And then they are no different from me or you. And the only thing that separates “us” from “them” is the thought that was acted on or allowed to pass.

In the same vein, one can never truly be a Celibate.  One can only try to be celibate from moment to moment. But it is these moments that make all the difference. I had a month of such moments in the recent past. Emotions and thoughts emerged, each as strong in their own right, each one’s build-up giving birth to the other and vice versa. But after they had been allowed to pass, I emerged, different, maybe even stronger.

There are many theories on how the suppression of a natural biological urge can lead to illness in body or mind. My experiments taught me that when that suppression is a conscious and voluntary choice, it is not suppression so much as sublimation. And it is a very potent process. All processes are driven by energy. When the process is allowed to culminate, there is an expenditure of energy. And when that very process is observed and subverted, that energy can be harnessed and utilized for other processes.

This simple lesson taught me that I need not pin my energy on someone else and then resent them for it’s expense when nothing came of the interaction. Instead, I could harness that energy and use it creatively in my own life. This created a positive shift in my interactions with the world around me. I learnt card games that I thought I was too impatient to learn. I made Tomato jam going on nothing more than a memory of tasting it as a child and was even able to add my own special tweak to it without so much as a measuring cup. And of course I made great friends in the process. When my energy was concentrated within, I found I had more to give.

I put an end to those moments one afternoon.  And I was surprised to find that the conscious and deliberate awareness that I had cultivated in the process allowed me to retain my energy even during my interaction with the other person. And so when that brief interaction was terminated by the other person, I was left feeling as complete and content as I had been before.

This isn’t to say that I’ve found the key to lasting happiness. The experiment was definitely supplemented by skeptical and well-meaning friends who were concerned about the status of my mental health and not-so-happy potential lovers who thought it was a gentle put-down. But definitely an experiment I’d like to try sometime again. Maybe even for a longer period of time 

Lost & Found

In less than a year, I have lost a husband, boyfriend, friend and brother.

A crazy year! – as I like to flippantly call it.

But what have I taken from this craziness?

I’ve learnt that the measure of a relationship is revealed in the way we treat people when we have nothing to lose or gain from them. This doesn’t mean you have to bottle up your hurt and anger. On the contrary, acknowledge it, give voice to it, and then deal with it.

I’ve learned that just because someone was not able to love you the way you wanted to be loved, it doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. It just means that they were not able to love you. So be all you can be and love like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t hold back just because someone else was not able to deal with it.

I’ve learnt that grief can do crazy things to you. Overnight, it can make you lose those pounds that you tried so hard to lose for so long. It can make you gaunt and hollow-eyed and wrinkly and grey. But only if you let it to. Feel the pain, and again, acknowledge it. But then listen to the birdsong outside your window, feel the breeze, sit in the sun, read a book or watch a movie or listen to music. Look up weird things on the internet, play Scrabble, talk to people, listen to them. And most importantly, don’t forget to shower and put on clean clothes and comb your hair and moisturize. And for god’s sake! Don’t forget to smile!

I also learned that the process of grieving is a natural and inborn coping mechanism. It is as private and personal as your bowel movements. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Just let it happen when it happens. And when it’s not happening, don’t forget to get on with life.

I also learned that our perception of what makes a good friend is simply that – our perception. You can’t judge a friend by his ability or inability to be there for you when you need them. Just as you hope that no one is judging you by your ability or inability to be there for someone else. So forgive easily and don’t hold grudges on perceived slights. If you want help, ask for it. If it is denied you, move on. Other’s have problems too. If knowing and spending time with someone makes you and them happy, then do it. If not, don’t. It’s as simple as that.

And lastly, it’s great if you are focused and have plans and dreams. But it’s ok if you don’t as well, just as long as you know what is important to you in life. But don’t get too hung up on what you want from life so much so that you miss out on what life brings you.

Love life, laugh and be loyal to who you are and what makes you who you are – your work, friends and family. Live!

And I am able to tell you this and mean it, because while I lost so much, I also found new friends who taught me to grow. I found new love and saw my old world in a new light which taught me to appreciate it more. And of course, all this helped me find parts of myself I never knew. And I’m loving the balance of losing and finding.