Sitting with it...

Haven't written in ages because felt everything that was coming out had a bitter twist to it. Want to be able to contribute something positive but it's been hard coming by.

This year has been full of death and reminders of it and Grief has a weird way of staying fresh. But I'm beginning to stop the distractions and (hopefully) finally sit with the pain of it all. At times it's like a deluge threatening to drown me in it's depths and at other times it's like a gentle shower which leaves me refreshed and grateful for the sunshine. This experience has led me to reevaluate what I thought was my life's work and my own approach to it.

There are monuments aplenty for the dead. But they are as cold and dreary as death itself. Maybe what is needed is living monuments.

My brother Bonny was a beautiful soul and I think if I can live the remainder of my life as fully as he did it will be all the monument he needs.

Lost & Found

In less than a year, I have lost a husband, boyfriend, friend and brother.

A crazy year! – as I like to flippantly call it.

But what have I taken from this craziness?

I’ve learnt that the measure of a relationship is revealed in the way we treat people when we have nothing to lose or gain from them. This doesn’t mean you have to bottle up your hurt and anger. On the contrary, acknowledge it, give voice to it, and then deal with it.

I’ve learned that just because someone was not able to love you the way you wanted to be loved, it doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. It just means that they were not able to love you. So be all you can be and love like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t hold back just because someone else was not able to deal with it.

I’ve learnt that grief can do crazy things to you. Overnight, it can make you lose those pounds that you tried so hard to lose for so long. It can make you gaunt and hollow-eyed and wrinkly and grey. But only if you let it to. Feel the pain, and again, acknowledge it. But then listen to the birdsong outside your window, feel the breeze, sit in the sun, read a book or watch a movie or listen to music. Look up weird things on the internet, play Scrabble, talk to people, listen to them. And most importantly, don’t forget to shower and put on clean clothes and comb your hair and moisturize. And for god’s sake! Don’t forget to smile!

I also learned that the process of grieving is a natural and inborn coping mechanism. It is as private and personal as your bowel movements. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Just let it happen when it happens. And when it’s not happening, don’t forget to get on with life.

I also learned that our perception of what makes a good friend is simply that – our perception. You can’t judge a friend by his ability or inability to be there for you when you need them. Just as you hope that no one is judging you by your ability or inability to be there for someone else. So forgive easily and don’t hold grudges on perceived slights. If you want help, ask for it. If it is denied you, move on. Other’s have problems too. If knowing and spending time with someone makes you and them happy, then do it. If not, don’t. It’s as simple as that.

And lastly, it’s great if you are focused and have plans and dreams. But it’s ok if you don’t as well, just as long as you know what is important to you in life. But don’t get too hung up on what you want from life so much so that you miss out on what life brings you.

Love life, laugh and be loyal to who you are and what makes you who you are – your work, friends and family. Live!

And I am able to tell you this and mean it, because while I lost so much, I also found new friends who taught me to grow. I found new love and saw my old world in a new light which taught me to appreciate it more. And of course, all this helped me find parts of myself I never knew. And I’m loving the balance of losing and finding.