Independence Day Reflections

It’s my last semester and if all goes well, I’ll be back home by Christmas, tasting familiar tastes, smelling familiar smells, hearing familiar accents, seeing familiar faces and feeling familiar emotions. I’ve never looked forward to returning to my beautiful country as much as I do right now. Sri Lanka has a history of pain and suffering and I wanted to discover what was within me that could help me contribute to it’s healing and reconciliation. I knew that unless I was strong in spirit, I could not manifest it in anything I did. And spirit is nothing less than that core within you which is perfect bliss, harmony and peace. We sometimes glimpse it when we stand in awe of nature’s majestic beauty or in the arms of that loved one who holds a place in your heart. But how do we feel it in the midst of pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment?

And so, leaving my family just after the loss of my beloved brother, a country and friends still reeling from the aftermath of a 30yr civil war and a bloodbath which ended it, and a failed marriage, I came here to find how I can live in this world and still be anchored in spirit. I found this place on the internet and came here believing that even if I spent my life savings to live here and learn this, it would be worthwhile.

Of course, as Dr. Wayne Dyer so beautifully put it, moving out of our comfort zones opens us up to experience new vistas. It’s been one crazy rollercoaster ride and not the prettiest one at that. But I’m still here – beaten up but hopefully stronger for it due to the kind generosity of many beautiful people here.

I took my first trip up North a couple of months ago and was glad that I had the time and space to be at the foothills of the majestic Himalayan range in this beautiful country. I stayed in an apple orchard and had a fairly disciplined schedule of waking up every morning at 7am and practicing asanas before breakfast. Sometimes the young Israeli travelers staying at the guest house would join. They were interesting young people with mixed views and attitudes towards their life compulsory military duty for 3yrs since they turned 18 and 30days every year thereafter for the rest of their lives. Spending time with them opened up my mind and made me see the post-war situation in my country in a different light. I think I may have learned the true meaning of the expression “putting yourself in another’s shoes”. I am thrilled to think that I may have taken my first step towards real reconciliation myself – something I realize was only a concept to me so far and made all my best intentions and efforts worthless, because no matter what I did, I was doing it in the wrong spirit. It was a beautiful time and the exchange of energy was great. Of course there were many stressors as is expected on any unknown journey, but it made me realize that life is mostly beautiful and the stressors we encounter are worth every minute to live this beautiful life. 

Returning to the peaceful quiet of my beautiful little blue room in the Girl’s Hostel is always a pleasure. It is my very own home of peace. But so many things have changed in the short space I was away; so many beautiful trees, under which countless people found peace and serenity, have been cut down; many beautiful spaces which have been the source of blessing to which many people still return, have been built over. There are much more students this semester and for a tired old soul like me, that means less time and space to revel in and absorb all this shanti before I return home – hopefully filled with the same shanti that I would like to help spread in my beautiful homeland – Sri Lanka.

But very soon, I could see myself getting upset at people when I didn’t see them putting in the same effort I did to participate in what was their Independence Day celebrations, when I had sacrificed meeting up with my dear friend who was in town for a few days. It was making me ill all over again and I didn’t like how I seemed to be reverting back to the same stressed out person I was in my first semester here. It’s funny because a few of the new students had approached me with the same frustrations and I have advised them to take it as a learning experience and challenge themselves and step out of their comfort zones. I amaze myself that I seem to want them to experience finding strength within themselves rather than an easy way out of their stressors.

This actually helped me to appreciate that I am not inherently bad. I do have a problem with authority though when it is enforced with no larger purpose than to control. I realize that I was stressed because this conflicted with the image that I would like to portray of myself as a good person. And though my day starts at 4.30am with scriptural study, meditation and breathing and posture practice, before my morning session in the clinic and the prayer session before breakfast, karma yoga etc, that is not considered good enough as I fail to take part in games at the end of the day or Bajan later on.

I realize that coming from a country in which institutions and people have largely failed to serve the public has led me to try to evolve our own method of dealing with life. I value my ability to rely on myself to live a productive life instead of being devoted to an institution or organization that proclaims to stand for the same values but does not reflect the same in it’s daily operations. I know according to Bhakti yoga, it is the longer way around, because surrender of the ego is half-way to the goal, but I value the journey of discovery undertaken by myself rather than the adherence to a rule that does not ring true to me. After all, if the purpose of Bajan is to inculcate in the practitioner a sense of universal Oneness with the Divine, surely it would be ok to sing Bajans in all languages to all Gods worshipped by different denominations of faith and not just the Hindu Gods, right? Atleast that’s how I feel about it. After all, aren’t Gods centres of divine energy? And so, isn’t all energy one? I remember at the Catholic Girls school I attended, students had their respective prayer services separately and non-Catholics were never forced to participate in any Christian religious services.

And so, I am content to read over a hot cup of milk, reflect a little on my day and how it went, and how I can put into practice what I have read and transform myself from within so that no matter what I am doing, I am at peace with myself and my world around me. I do accept my impatience when it comes to matters that seem to make no sense, and maybe this is a failing on my part as a student of yoga, but I am also able to value my strengths and appreciate my efforts to do good and be good. And that’s perfectly good enough for me. Because I know that’s my first step to positive growth.

I don’t know exactly what I had expected to become after my stay here but I certainly don’t consider myself rebellious. Sometimes I feel I don’t know quite as much as I would like to and I have almost come to the end of my savings and need to get back to work. At other times I know that I am more at peace with myself than I was when I came here, and I couldn’t have asked for more. I’m 34 and for almost 2yrs now, this has been my home. I have not substituted Hinduism for Christianity, but I revere the noble principles of all religions.

I wish that this blessed land may continue to be a beacon of hope and peace for all humanity for all ages to come, Jai Hind!