17th July 2012
I can’t really say why I wanted
to come to the Gurukula for the last 2 weeks of my summer vacation instead of
having a holiday before starting work on my dissertation. I guess I was looking
to live the learning. I wanted to find my strength and enthusiasm again. While
I was in the Diabetes section, I had had a dream of being shot in the head by
my Teacher while arguing with a participant. At first I felt shock and
disbelief and was turning around to ask why, I felt something drain out of the
hole in my head and this calm coming down and me and I knew that it didn’t
matter. Everything was just as it should be.
So when I asked him if I could
spend time at the Gurukula, I don’t think my Teacher took me too seriously.
When I did show up at the Gurukula almost 2 months later, he was busy but warm
and welcoming as always. He looked oddly
vulnerable as he sat at lunch and I couldn’t help myself when I walked over to
him and prostrated at his feet. It is not something I do easily. But his
presence calms me and I always feel like I’ve just placed an immense at his
feet when I symbolically surrender my ego at his feet. I’m at a loss to how I
can describe his simplicity and wisdom that commands all my humble respect
without sounding insincere. But every time I come to his presence I have an urge
to take him something. I had once picked a flower from outside before walking
in to see him one day and I placed it at his feet as I bowed before him. It
filled my heart with such joy to see him playing with it the entire time I was
there.
I had received a very thoughtful
and generous gift from a beautiful little soul a couple of weeks back. It was a
hardback gift copy of The Urban Monk
Diaries – a novel guide to living life to the fullest. I found it inspiring
but at the same time, it led me to a crossroad between the austere practice of
yoga and the indulgences of modern living. I needed to find my balance if I was
to return to living.
I knew Acharya would not only
appreciate the book but also know how to use it wisely, so I gave it to him on
my first evening there. It was indeed a joy to watch him open it up with as
much care and excitement as a child and proceed to look through it. He was full
of appreciation for the effort taken to put across great truths simply and
beautifully. It made my heart overflow with joy to watch him.
He had to be away most days on
work but he took the time to sit with me on my first evening there and the time
I spent with him was preciously fruitful. He was able to sense my confusion and
prescribed for me a simple routine of waking up at 4.30am, reading 10 verses of
the Bhaghavad Gita and meditating for atleast half an hour before my asana
practice and the rest of my daily routine.
This marks the shift from a
physical exercise to a spiritual one which takes one on a journey of
self-growth.
--
18th July 2012
I hope you’ll believe me when I
say that waking up at 4.30am to the auspicious blowing of the conch makes all
the difference. But on that first day, I struggled with the change as I felt
restless meditating without having first done my asanas. But Acharya listened
to me patiently and suggested that I follow any routine that came naturally as
long as I got the optimal use of the early morning muhurtha during which cosmic energy was at it’s highest.
Everything he tells me shows me
that no matter where I am or what I am doing, I must be true to myself. I am
blessed to be here among people who care and support for others learning as
much as their own.
--
19th July 2012
Equanimity in the face of success
and failure, good and bad is indeed the hallmark of a yogi.
I had been to two Vipassana
retreats in the past year despite my friends’ skepticism that a chatterbox like
me would last a day and fancied myself to be able to meditate at will. But to
be honest, I hadn’t been able to keep up the routine. So the first day I force
myself to follow the same routine but my body and mind have different ideas as
to what they would rather I be doing. I’m determined not to give up. I am
learning to watch myself watch myself try to meditate. I end up just sitting
there and watch myself watching myself think. It was an amusing experiment
because the mere process of becoming aware that I was thinking and then
becoming aware that I was aware helped to stem the thoughts almost as soon as I
noticed that my mind was wandering and bring it back to my awareness of my
breath. And suddenly I realized that the thoughts in my head are no more real
than the following I give them.
This doesn’t mean that I think
less now. I’m still very much the dreamy Gemini. But now instead of letting my
thoughts and emotions toss me around, now I can watch them for as long as I
like and toss them out the second I don’t think they’re going where it’s good
for me :)
---
20th July 2012
Most times the air rings clear
with the Vedic chants of the students. And in the silent hours, the vibrations
of these silent echoes permeate my very being.
With some perseverance I can easily fall into the routine. The
meditation on Lord Ganesha is helped by the wise words of Swami Paramananda in
the Ramakrishna Mission Publication of Concentration
& Meditation.
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
As I chant, I see the Lord’s feet in my mind and I am filled with humility;
He holds a dish of modhakams in one
hand teaching me to sweeten life with all that’s pleasant; His broken tusk
teaches me selfless and dedicated service. I am but a mouse at His feet to be
used as he sees fit.
--
21st July 2012
With perseverance my meditation
can grow deeper. But I can’t expect each sitting to be a continuation of the
last. Each sitting is unique and I am constantly amazed at what I learn about
myself in those 30 minutes of trying to silence my mind and watch my breath.
The trick is to empty my mind of all expectations and be open to what the
moment brings.
Today Acharya wanted me to speak
to the ladies on what he calls me “service”. But I couldn’t do much more than
chokingly babble to them about how much I admired their lives of service to
their families. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything that’s really worth
speaking about in the near past.
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
The chant echoes in my heart and
fills me up with Lord Ganesha’s strength.
---
22nd July 2012
Everyone is very welcoming and
helpful but I am conscious of the fact that I don’t interact as much as they
would like me to. Sometimes I hear the students speaking about me. They refer
to me as “Sri Lanka”. Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me as much as it would
have under different circumstances.
Interactions linger with me and
disturb my meditations. They take too much energy as well and anyway, I prefer
the silence.
--
23rd July 2012
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
Even if my mind is distracted and
I am unable to close my eyes during meditation, I find the vibrations of the chant
lulls me into a state of deep calm. That is enough incentive to go on sitting
no matter how wayward my mind is.
--
24th July 2012
The mind fluctuates. Judging,
labeling, anticipating, rejoicing, dreading…. And this will continue for as
long as I think that I am. Classes are going on well but maybe it is time to
return now and try keeping up the practice back in my world.
--
25th July 2012
Got the pyramid to myself this
morning after more than a week still I can hardly meditate. I am enjoying the
classes, the routine and the people though and I couldn’t have asked for more :)
One of the students who had
looked the most unfriendly approached me today for help in learning to speak
English. We have started reading and discussing Swami Paramananda’s book on
Meditation and Concentration. I realize now he wasn’t being unfriendly. He was
just shy and nervous. But he seems to be enjoying the reading.
--
26th July 2012
I have made more friends and I
realize how easily my mood is swayed by what happens around me. Took an extra
class today and visited the ladies. My new-found “social persona” was up all
night from all the excitement.
One other student joined for the
evening reading and discussion.
--
27th July 2012
The classes are going well as the
students and I settle down with the change in our lives. Their enthusiasm is
encouraging and it is a challenge everyday to not get attached to that glorious
feeling after each class when the students smilingly tell me what they enjoyed
about the class.
The newly wedded young Principal
and his wife are very welcoming and invited me to visit the Gurukula every week
to continue teaching.
Two more students joined the
evening reading and discussion. They seem to be enjoying themselves as much as
I am.
---
28th July 2012
Completed the lessons I had
promised Acharya I would so spent the rest of the class exchanging tidbits
about culture and tradition with the students. As always it is only towards the
end of something that we actually start to settle down and really enjoy
ourselves but then it’s soon time to leave.
I’d like to strengthen my ability
to enjoy each and every moment without anticipating the next. Easier said than
done and my meditation is as disturbed as ever. But I am aware of all the
thoughts in my mind and there is no conflict. Just a calm and mature watching.
--
29th July 2012
Back in PK, I am not filled with
a special kind of magic that helps me keep up with the routine. Each morning I
take the conscious decision to drag myself out of bed. It’s not easy. But I do
it and I feel it sets the pace for the rest of my day.
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