Cloudy Day

Heartened by my recent experiments with celibacy, I had been trying to sublimate my anger, and channel it towards getting my dissertation completed. The problem is that I ended up hitting walls in all directions and it all just kind of blew up in my face this morning. That’s what happens when you don’t take out the trash. Of course, the stench grew and it festered and seethed until I woke up this morning thinking enough is enough. I’m no saint and I never will be. 

There’s going to be crap happening all around me all the time. If not the madness of war, killings, pain and suffering then a different kind of madness; a madness where teacher’s hit on students and then preach about discipline; a madness where you are compulsorily required to attend morning prayer and evening devotional sessions in which one faith and one country is exalted and sanctified to the exclusion of all others; a madness where you are told that “you don’t respect the divinity within you” if you choose not to attend the session and on the other hand you are asked to put additional questionnaires with forged data into the file of a person who had been treated several months prior in order to pass an ISO audit; a madness where in an international research university, residential students who are supposed to carry out research work are not allowed to use wi-fi facilities on campus; a madness where the tailor who you gave your Indian pants to for shortening, decides to change the elastic on your pants as well so that they will fit a starving 5yr old child and then charges you more than what it cost to buy the pants while telling you very confidently “you wear two three times and wash madam it is ok”; and not to forget the ingratiating smile and oily “no angry?” when ask him to please just do as asked; the madness of getting abused on email by someone who borrowed money from you on false pretences more than two years ago and does nothing more than express his sincere wishes to pay you back because you are his friend; and then there’s the Queen of all madness – where you get called up several times a day by a man speaking in an oily Indian accent, asking you if he can “…suck menses from your vagina” and “…suck milks from your breasht nipples”.

And so this morning I woke up HATING everything. I couldn’t bear to walk out of my room for fear of really exploding if someone asked me one more question (more like a public ambush and interrogation by a complete stranger while you’re on your way to do some work) or told me one more thing that I should be doing (eg: you must wear jewellery, you must dance and clap, you must wear a bindhi.. the list goes on).

Enough is certainly enough. I very well may issues with authority but I am not a heathen who has no sense of piety and I may not be all sunshiny and giggly and sweet and silly but it doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I won’t help if the need arises. All in all, I am bloody happy with myself and see no more need to keep trying to be all these things they tell me I must be just because the philosophy of yoga appeals to me.

I am happy with myself as I am. I know my faults and I know my strengths. I would like to lead a simple life and do as much good as I can by being a nice caring individual. I have no aspirations to change the world or fix all it’s porblems. I certainly don’t want to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I do enjoy teaching yoga and would be happy to explain the theory of how the practice of yoga can help help us delve deep within and discover ourselves in the middle of the madness, but I am not interested in converting anyone to my way of thinking or living.

And so, I may not smile today. But that’s just fine with me. Afterall, who doesn’t long for a cloudy day when it gets too sunny and hot. Today’s my cloudy day and I love it :)

The question then is what on earth am I doing here?? Do I really want this piece of paper that says I've done a Masters in Yoga? Hmmmm..............