Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Independence Day Reflections
It’s my last semester and if all
goes well, I’ll be back home by Christmas, tasting familiar tastes, smelling
familiar smells, hearing familiar accents, seeing familiar faces and feeling
familiar emotions. I’ve never looked forward to returning to my beautiful
country as much as I do right now. Sri Lanka has a history of pain and
suffering and I wanted to discover what was within me that could help me contribute
to it’s healing and reconciliation. I knew that unless I was strong in spirit,
I could not manifest it in anything I did. And spirit is nothing less than that
core within you which is perfect bliss, harmony and peace. We sometimes glimpse
it when we stand in awe of nature’s majestic beauty or in the arms of that
loved one who holds a place in your heart. But how do we feel it in the midst
of pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment?
And so, leaving my family just
after the loss of my beloved brother, a country and friends still reeling from
the aftermath of a 30yr civil war and a bloodbath which ended it, and a failed
marriage, I came here to find how I can live in this world and still be
anchored in spirit. I found this place on the internet and came here believing
that even if I spent my life savings to live here and learn this, it would be
worthwhile.
Of course, as Dr. Wayne Dyer so
beautifully put it, moving out of our comfort zones opens us up to experience
new vistas. It’s been one crazy rollercoaster ride and not the prettiest one at
that. But I’m still here – beaten up but hopefully stronger for it due to the
kind generosity of many beautiful people here.
I took my first trip up North a
couple of months ago and was glad that I had the time and space to be at the
foothills of the majestic Himalayan range in this beautiful country. I stayed
in an apple orchard and had a fairly disciplined schedule of waking up every
morning at 7am and practicing asanas before breakfast. Sometimes the young
Israeli travelers staying at the guest house would join. They were interesting
young people with mixed views and attitudes towards their life compulsory
military duty for 3yrs since they turned 18 and 30days every year thereafter
for the rest of their lives. Spending time with them opened up my mind and made
me see the post-war situation in my country in a different light. I think I may
have learned the true meaning of the expression “putting yourself in another’s shoes”. I am thrilled to think that I
may have taken my first step towards real reconciliation myself – something I
realize was only a concept to me so far and made all my best intentions and
efforts worthless, because no matter what I did, I was doing it in the wrong
spirit. It was a beautiful time and the exchange of energy was great. Of course
there were many stressors as is expected on any unknown journey, but it made me
realize that life is mostly beautiful and the stressors we encounter are worth every
minute to live this beautiful life.
Returning to the peaceful quiet
of my beautiful little blue room in the Girl’s Hostel is always a pleasure. It
is my very own home of peace. But so many things have changed in the short
space I was away; so many beautiful trees, under which countless people found
peace and serenity, have been cut down; many beautiful spaces which have been
the source of blessing to which many people still return, have been built over.
There are much more students this semester and for a tired old soul like me,
that means less time and space to revel in and absorb all this shanti before I return home – hopefully
filled with the same shanti that I
would like to help spread in my beautiful homeland – Sri Lanka.
But very soon, I could see myself
getting upset at people when I didn’t see them putting in the same effort I did
to participate in what was their Independence Day celebrations, when I had
sacrificed meeting up with my dear friend who was in town for a few days. It
was making me ill all over again and I didn’t like how I seemed to be reverting
back to the same stressed out person I was in my first semester here. It’s
funny because a few of the new students had approached me with the same
frustrations and I have advised them to take it as a learning experience and
challenge themselves and step out of their comfort zones. I amaze myself that I
seem to want them to experience finding strength within themselves rather than
an easy way out of their stressors.
This actually helped me to
appreciate that I am not inherently bad. I do have a problem with authority
though when it is enforced with no larger purpose than to control. I realize
that I was stressed because this conflicted with the image that I would like to
portray of myself as a good person. And though my day starts at 4.30am with
scriptural study, meditation and breathing and posture practice, before my morning
session in the clinic and the prayer session before breakfast, karma yoga etc,
that is not considered good enough as I fail to take part in games at the end
of the day or Bajan later on.
I realize that coming from a
country in which institutions and people have largely failed to serve the
public has led me to try to evolve our own method of dealing with life. I value
my ability to rely on myself to live a productive life instead of being devoted
to an institution or organization that proclaims to stand for the same values
but does not reflect the same in it’s daily operations. I know according to
Bhakti yoga, it is the longer way around, because surrender of the ego is
half-way to the goal, but I value the journey of discovery undertaken by myself
rather than the adherence to a rule that does not ring true to me. After all,
if the purpose of Bajan is to inculcate in the practitioner a sense of
universal Oneness with the Divine, surely it would be ok to sing Bajans in all
languages to all Gods worshipped by different denominations of faith and not
just the Hindu Gods, right? Atleast that’s how I feel about it. After all,
aren’t Gods centres of divine energy? And so, isn’t all energy one? I remember
at the Catholic Girls school I attended, students had their respective prayer
services separately and non-Catholics were never forced to participate in any
Christian religious services.
And so, I am content to read over
a hot cup of milk, reflect a little on my day and how it went, and how I can
put into practice what I have read and transform myself from within so that no
matter what I am doing, I am at peace with myself and my world around me. I do
accept my impatience when it comes to matters that seem to make no sense, and
maybe this is a failing on my part as a student of yoga, but I am also able to value
my strengths and appreciate my efforts to do good and be good. And that’s
perfectly good enough for me. Because I know that’s my first step to positive
growth.
I don’t know exactly what I had
expected to become after my stay here but I certainly don’t consider myself
rebellious. Sometimes I feel I don’t know quite as much as I would like to and
I have almost come to the end of my savings and need to get back to work. At
other times I know that I am more at peace with myself than I was when I came
here, and I couldn’t have asked for more. I’m 34 and for almost 2yrs now, this
has been my home. I have not substituted Hinduism for Christianity, but I
revere the noble principles of all religions.
I wish that this blessed land may
continue to be a beacon of hope and peace for all humanity for all ages to
come, Jai Hind!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Cloudy Day
Heartened by my recent experiments
with celibacy, I had been trying to sublimate my anger, and channel it towards getting my dissertation completed. The problem is that I ended up hitting walls in all
directions and it all just kind of blew up in my face this morning. That’s what
happens when you don’t take out the trash. Of course, the stench grew and it
festered and seethed until I woke up this morning thinking enough is enough.
I’m no saint and I never will be.
There’s going to be crap
happening all around me all the time. If not the madness of war, killings, pain
and suffering then a different kind of madness; a madness where teacher’s hit
on students and then preach about discipline; a madness where you are
compulsorily required to attend morning prayer and evening devotional sessions
in which one faith and one country is exalted and sanctified to the exclusion
of all others; a madness where you are told that “you don’t respect the
divinity within you” if you choose not to attend the session and on the other
hand you are asked to put additional questionnaires with forged data into the
file of a person who had been treated several months prior in order to pass an
ISO audit; a madness where in an international research university, residential
students who are supposed to carry out research work are not allowed to use
wi-fi facilities on campus; a madness where the tailor who you gave your Indian
pants to for shortening, decides to change the elastic on your pants as well so
that they will fit a starving 5yr old child and then charges you more than what
it cost to buy the pants while telling you very confidently “you wear two three
times and wash madam it is ok”; and not to forget the ingratiating smile and
oily “no angry?” when ask him to please just do as asked; the madness of
getting abused on email by someone who borrowed money from you on false
pretences more than two years ago and does nothing more than express his
sincere wishes to pay you back because you are his friend; and then there’s the
Queen of all madness – where you get called up several times a day by a man
speaking in an oily Indian accent, asking you if he can “…suck menses from your
vagina” and “…suck milks from your breasht nipples”.
And so this morning I woke up
HATING everything. I couldn’t bear to walk out of my room for fear of really
exploding if someone asked me one more question (more like a public ambush and
interrogation by a complete stranger while you’re on your way to do some work)
or told me one more thing that I should be doing (eg: you must wear jewellery,
you must dance and clap, you must wear a bindhi.. the list goes on).
Enough is certainly enough. I
very well may issues with authority but I am not a heathen who has no sense of piety
and I may not be all sunshiny and giggly and sweet and silly but it doesn’t
mean I don’t care or that I won’t help if the need arises. All in all, I am
bloody happy with myself and see no more need to keep trying to be all these
things they tell me I must be just because the philosophy of yoga appeals to
me.
I am happy with myself as I am. I
know my faults and I know my strengths. I would like to lead a simple life and
do as much good as I can by being a nice caring individual. I have no
aspirations to change the world or fix all it’s porblems. I certainly don’t
want to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I do enjoy teaching
yoga and would be happy to explain the theory of how the practice of yoga can
help help us delve deep within and discover ourselves in the middle of the
madness, but I am not interested in converting anyone to my way of thinking or
living.
And so, I may not smile today.
But that’s just fine with me. Afterall, who doesn’t long for a cloudy day when it
gets too sunny and hot. Today’s my cloudy day and I love it :)
The question then is what on earth am I doing here?? Do I really want this piece of paper that says I've done a Masters in Yoga? Hmmmm..............
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Finding my way
17th July 2012
I can’t really say why I wanted
to come to the Gurukula for the last 2 weeks of my summer vacation instead of
having a holiday before starting work on my dissertation. I guess I was looking
to live the learning. I wanted to find my strength and enthusiasm again. While
I was in the Diabetes section, I had had a dream of being shot in the head by
my Teacher while arguing with a participant. At first I felt shock and
disbelief and was turning around to ask why, I felt something drain out of the
hole in my head and this calm coming down and me and I knew that it didn’t
matter. Everything was just as it should be.
So when I asked him if I could
spend time at the Gurukula, I don’t think my Teacher took me too seriously.
When I did show up at the Gurukula almost 2 months later, he was busy but warm
and welcoming as always. He looked oddly
vulnerable as he sat at lunch and I couldn’t help myself when I walked over to
him and prostrated at his feet. It is not something I do easily. But his
presence calms me and I always feel like I’ve just placed an immense at his
feet when I symbolically surrender my ego at his feet. I’m at a loss to how I
can describe his simplicity and wisdom that commands all my humble respect
without sounding insincere. But every time I come to his presence I have an urge
to take him something. I had once picked a flower from outside before walking
in to see him one day and I placed it at his feet as I bowed before him. It
filled my heart with such joy to see him playing with it the entire time I was
there.
I had received a very thoughtful
and generous gift from a beautiful little soul a couple of weeks back. It was a
hardback gift copy of The Urban Monk
Diaries – a novel guide to living life to the fullest. I found it inspiring
but at the same time, it led me to a crossroad between the austere practice of
yoga and the indulgences of modern living. I needed to find my balance if I was
to return to living.
I knew Acharya would not only
appreciate the book but also know how to use it wisely, so I gave it to him on
my first evening there. It was indeed a joy to watch him open it up with as
much care and excitement as a child and proceed to look through it. He was full
of appreciation for the effort taken to put across great truths simply and
beautifully. It made my heart overflow with joy to watch him.
He had to be away most days on
work but he took the time to sit with me on my first evening there and the time
I spent with him was preciously fruitful. He was able to sense my confusion and
prescribed for me a simple routine of waking up at 4.30am, reading 10 verses of
the Bhaghavad Gita and meditating for atleast half an hour before my asana
practice and the rest of my daily routine.
This marks the shift from a
physical exercise to a spiritual one which takes one on a journey of
self-growth.
--
18th July 2012
I hope you’ll believe me when I
say that waking up at 4.30am to the auspicious blowing of the conch makes all
the difference. But on that first day, I struggled with the change as I felt
restless meditating without having first done my asanas. But Acharya listened
to me patiently and suggested that I follow any routine that came naturally as
long as I got the optimal use of the early morning muhurtha during which cosmic energy was at it’s highest.
Everything he tells me shows me
that no matter where I am or what I am doing, I must be true to myself. I am
blessed to be here among people who care and support for others learning as
much as their own.
--
19th July 2012
Equanimity in the face of success
and failure, good and bad is indeed the hallmark of a yogi.
I had been to two Vipassana
retreats in the past year despite my friends’ skepticism that a chatterbox like
me would last a day and fancied myself to be able to meditate at will. But to
be honest, I hadn’t been able to keep up the routine. So the first day I force
myself to follow the same routine but my body and mind have different ideas as
to what they would rather I be doing. I’m determined not to give up. I am
learning to watch myself watch myself try to meditate. I end up just sitting
there and watch myself watching myself think. It was an amusing experiment
because the mere process of becoming aware that I was thinking and then
becoming aware that I was aware helped to stem the thoughts almost as soon as I
noticed that my mind was wandering and bring it back to my awareness of my
breath. And suddenly I realized that the thoughts in my head are no more real
than the following I give them.
This doesn’t mean that I think
less now. I’m still very much the dreamy Gemini. But now instead of letting my
thoughts and emotions toss me around, now I can watch them for as long as I
like and toss them out the second I don’t think they’re going where it’s good
for me :)
---
20th July 2012
Most times the air rings clear
with the Vedic chants of the students. And in the silent hours, the vibrations
of these silent echoes permeate my very being.
With some perseverance I can easily fall into the routine. The
meditation on Lord Ganesha is helped by the wise words of Swami Paramananda in
the Ramakrishna Mission Publication of Concentration
& Meditation.
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
As I chant, I see the Lord’s feet in my mind and I am filled with humility;
He holds a dish of modhakams in one
hand teaching me to sweeten life with all that’s pleasant; His broken tusk
teaches me selfless and dedicated service. I am but a mouse at His feet to be
used as he sees fit.
--
21st July 2012
With perseverance my meditation
can grow deeper. But I can’t expect each sitting to be a continuation of the
last. Each sitting is unique and I am constantly amazed at what I learn about
myself in those 30 minutes of trying to silence my mind and watch my breath.
The trick is to empty my mind of all expectations and be open to what the
moment brings.
Today Acharya wanted me to speak
to the ladies on what he calls me “service”. But I couldn’t do much more than
chokingly babble to them about how much I admired their lives of service to
their families. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything that’s really worth
speaking about in the near past.
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
The chant echoes in my heart and
fills me up with Lord Ganesha’s strength.
---
22nd July 2012
Everyone is very welcoming and
helpful but I am conscious of the fact that I don’t interact as much as they
would like me to. Sometimes I hear the students speaking about me. They refer
to me as “Sri Lanka”. Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me as much as it would
have under different circumstances.
Interactions linger with me and
disturb my meditations. They take too much energy as well and anyway, I prefer
the silence.
--
23rd July 2012
Om Gam Ganapathaye Namaḥ
Even if my mind is distracted and
I am unable to close my eyes during meditation, I find the vibrations of the chant
lulls me into a state of deep calm. That is enough incentive to go on sitting
no matter how wayward my mind is.
--
24th July 2012
The mind fluctuates. Judging,
labeling, anticipating, rejoicing, dreading…. And this will continue for as
long as I think that I am. Classes are going on well but maybe it is time to
return now and try keeping up the practice back in my world.
--
25th July 2012
Got the pyramid to myself this
morning after more than a week still I can hardly meditate. I am enjoying the
classes, the routine and the people though and I couldn’t have asked for more :)
One of the students who had
looked the most unfriendly approached me today for help in learning to speak
English. We have started reading and discussing Swami Paramananda’s book on
Meditation and Concentration. I realize now he wasn’t being unfriendly. He was
just shy and nervous. But he seems to be enjoying the reading.
--
26th July 2012
I have made more friends and I
realize how easily my mood is swayed by what happens around me. Took an extra
class today and visited the ladies. My new-found “social persona” was up all
night from all the excitement.
One other student joined for the
evening reading and discussion.
--
27th July 2012
The classes are going well as the
students and I settle down with the change in our lives. Their enthusiasm is
encouraging and it is a challenge everyday to not get attached to that glorious
feeling after each class when the students smilingly tell me what they enjoyed
about the class.
The newly wedded young Principal
and his wife are very welcoming and invited me to visit the Gurukula every week
to continue teaching.
Two more students joined the
evening reading and discussion. They seem to be enjoying themselves as much as
I am.
---
28th July 2012
Completed the lessons I had
promised Acharya I would so spent the rest of the class exchanging tidbits
about culture and tradition with the students. As always it is only towards the
end of something that we actually start to settle down and really enjoy
ourselves but then it’s soon time to leave.
I’d like to strengthen my ability
to enjoy each and every moment without anticipating the next. Easier said than
done and my meditation is as disturbed as ever. But I am aware of all the
thoughts in my mind and there is no conflict. Just a calm and mature watching.
--
29th July 2012
Back in PK, I am not filled with
a special kind of magic that helps me keep up with the routine. Each morning I
take the conscious decision to drag myself out of bed. It’s not easy. But I do
it and I feel it sets the pace for the rest of my day.
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