Haven’t been able to write in ages because I felt that nothing good would be put down. All negative, morbid and violent thoughts along the lines of – they are animals, They don’t appreciate politeness and so have to be treated like animals.
(Continued 27th March 2011 4.07am)
But that would be an insult to animals. Especially the sweet dog who is the object of some sadist’s experiments (someone tied a wire really tight around his right back leg. The foot swelled up and dropped off after a few weeks. And then the wire was tied further up near his knee. Now a third wire seems to have been tied on his thigh. My feeble attempts to contact an animal shelter to have him picked up and cared for have proven futile).
While I’m growing accustomed to the routine (or somewhat so – still wake up some days wondering if it would be such a bad to thing to miss the morning class…), these things grate on me. As also does the fact that I am being fleeced for more money to get a single room, while the Indian girls almost all enjoy single rooms. I should have put my foot down when they asked me to pay $35/day for the 15days I spent here last December helping them out under the guise of Karma yoga. I finally managed to get off with paying INR 5000. But I was still not given a room. I suspect now that maybe Indians are racist when it comes to their Asian neighbours but bend over backwards to get kicked in the arse by the fairer skinned visitors. Case in point would be the tiny mustachioed guy in the kitchen who meekly hands out fruit when he’s shouted at. But when you speak to him nicely and treat him like a human being, he offers you rotten fruit or nothing. Hmmmm…. I wonder what I’m doing wrong here.
But all this seemed trivial and petty and nasty and boring (yes, even the other tiny mustachioed man - who I learnt is the Course Coordinator – who called a meeting to supposedly hear student complaints with a view to improving the quality of education offered at the University, but who was more interested in telling us to pay up in time for the coming semester, arrange are shoes in order when we go for lunch, avoid eating in the cleaner diningroom and promote the university among friends and relatives – while stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that the University is not equipped to handle anymore students comfortably, which I in turn stubbornly pointed out to him.
But moving on to more serious things, the sleep disturbances, heart palpitations and scarily numbing feeling of my left hand and tightness in my chest and left shoulder still persist. I’ve gained a couple of kilograms since I started eating clarified butter (ghee) everyday with my breakfast but I’m still losing hair and looking emaciated. Not to mention I feel like crap, irritated by the stupidity I see around me – like the teacher who tells me I can’t submit a typed assignment as I may have copied it from someone else and therefore requires me to hand in a handwritten submission. Seriously!?! Of course I know its pointless to even attempt to explain to him that I never copied in my life and don’t intend to start at the ripe age of 32.
Going back to meditation. It’s good but the problems haven’t still been put to rest (which may explain why I’m up at this ungodly hour writing this!)
Was very upset when Beau was not available to chat after getting back from his holiday so decided to steel myself for the inevitable and stop deluding myself with thoughts of him. Worked for a week. If you can call deliberately trying to put him out of my mind as not thinking of him. Relapsed a few days ago and mailed him. Miss him. And I mean just him and not so much the way he makes me feel. And of course I tell myself if I had known that I would feel this way I would have held on to him all day, and played with his curls and kissed his cheeks. *sigh indeed*
Thank god it’s Sunday! I can sleep. Though I should be focusing on my assignment.
Funny how the Friday off here seems to pass by so fast when the Fridays off in Hargeisa were deliciously and at the same time agonizingly slow to pass.
Looks like I’ll make it to class after all. Though I hope the teacher won’t be a dick about the fact that I wasn’t able to get a print out of my assignment because the man at the call centre didn’t know how to log on to the system! Good morning to you too!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Saturday, March 26th, 2011 (11.03pm)
Today I cried big hot tears of sheer frustration and anger. And the object of my affections was Virus – the garrulous, pompous, egoistic, nasty, self-opinionated and self-important old man who takes the Science & Consciousness class. He filled me with despair since our very first class when he asked us all what level of science knowledge we hand and then proceeded to tell us how we would not stand a chance of passing the course and therefore should consider dropping out. His treatment of the students is worse than contemptuous and though the subject matter is interesting, he himself has nothing inspiring or motivating to share with us. Needless to say sitting through his classes, I feel like I am being drawn and quartered in a desert.
I also should add that despite his self-professed accomplishments, he is probably the least confident teacher I have ever met as he is easily threatened by a student who answers his questions as he is by some perceived slight if a student so much as takes a sip of water, changes position (and mind you we have to sit cross-legged on the floor for all our classes so by the time we get to his class, most of us are crippled by excruciating pain).
Unfortunately, I was the proponent of his perceived slight today as I was shaking my pencil while holding it. He proceeded to tell me I was displaying that I was nervous and that I would never be selected for a management position if I kept up that kind of behaviour.
I was livid. Afterall, what did it matter if I shook my pencil or blinked my eyes as long as I was sitting meekly and listening to him right? Well, apparently not. He proceeded to tell me that he was speaking from years of experience. I wanted to tell him that I had 5 years experience working in executive and managerial posts in a large multi-national as well as having anchored prime time news and hosted a breakfast show on national television and that his classes made me very anxious as it was bad enough that I new to the subject of yoga and consciousness, the last thing I needed was a sour, dour, bad tempered brute who taught the class like a dictator.
Of course that is a no-no and so I sat there biting back several retorts. When the class ended, it was all I could do to run behind him and tell him how I felt.
But I was too agitated and knew I would get very emotional if I did so I went to sit by the lake and listen to music while vainly trying to compose myself.
Mercifully mother-nature came to my rescue. The lake looked like a beautiful watercolour picture with the reflection of the trees, which was occasionally awakened by a surfacing fish, which sent beautiful ripples across the surface.
And as I started at it, struggling with my emotions, I realized that this was my learning. Not the last tortuous hour spent in the sour-face’s class. No. This was my real learning. To literally look the bull in the eye and not succumb to the urge to take it by the horns.
I also should add that despite his self-professed accomplishments, he is probably the least confident teacher I have ever met as he is easily threatened by a student who answers his questions as he is by some perceived slight if a student so much as takes a sip of water, changes position (and mind you we have to sit cross-legged on the floor for all our classes so by the time we get to his class, most of us are crippled by excruciating pain).
Unfortunately, I was the proponent of his perceived slight today as I was shaking my pencil while holding it. He proceeded to tell me I was displaying that I was nervous and that I would never be selected for a management position if I kept up that kind of behaviour.
I was livid. Afterall, what did it matter if I shook my pencil or blinked my eyes as long as I was sitting meekly and listening to him right? Well, apparently not. He proceeded to tell me that he was speaking from years of experience. I wanted to tell him that I had 5 years experience working in executive and managerial posts in a large multi-national as well as having anchored prime time news and hosted a breakfast show on national television and that his classes made me very anxious as it was bad enough that I new to the subject of yoga and consciousness, the last thing I needed was a sour, dour, bad tempered brute who taught the class like a dictator.
Of course that is a no-no and so I sat there biting back several retorts. When the class ended, it was all I could do to run behind him and tell him how I felt.
But I was too agitated and knew I would get very emotional if I did so I went to sit by the lake and listen to music while vainly trying to compose myself.
Mercifully mother-nature came to my rescue. The lake looked like a beautiful watercolour picture with the reflection of the trees, which was occasionally awakened by a surfacing fish, which sent beautiful ripples across the surface.
And as I started at it, struggling with my emotions, I realized that this was my learning. Not the last tortuous hour spent in the sour-face’s class. No. This was my real learning. To literally look the bull in the eye and not succumb to the urge to take it by the horns.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Thursday,March 3rd, 2011 (1.22pm)
Today I feel particularly grateful for the food I’ve been having. Especially for the fruits. I’ feeling much better and think the silence must be a big factor in it.
I find it interesting that people feel the need to talk at me and about me, commenting on the fact that I am in silence and will not speak but that that does not mean that they can’t speak to me. I wonder if they think I will respond. I feel comfortable and nourished in my silence. I also haven’t missed a single meal since I entered into silence.
I did break the silence when I went to Y’s for dinner. It was great that she understood my need to be silent as a way of taking care of myself. She in fact had remarked on it two days previously saying I should not expend my energy talking and trying to convince people who did not understand. J keeps talking to me all the time. I do respond to her most times. But I don’t mind. Even when she speaks there is a quality of silence in what she says which I enjoy.
I am vary of two of the lady participants though. In fact to be honest, I think it was one of them that led me to the silence. Its not that I mind the occasional friendly hello. But I feel trapped by them. I can imagine now how men must feel with an overly clingy woman. I remember how I was with Beau after he was ill and I cringe to think of it now. I hope never to be like that ever again.
Skyped Beau the other day. It was nice and I felt the old warmth. I’m glad because the last thing I want to do is to stress out the delicate and elusive being that he is. My period is due and I’ve been feeling incredibly tender towards him. But thank god, not in a horrible soul wrenching way. I would like to write him a letter but this might all be too much for a birthday wish. So I’ll just keep it for now and maybe send him a letter sometime later on. There’s no hurry. We are not going anywhere. Though I do worry about him a little as I feel I’m safe and secure in here while he is out there in the world, exposed to all the stressors. I hope he will take care of himself. He said that he will be out this week to celebrate his birthday in Tanzania and that his friend from Mozambique would be joining him. I thought it was sweet of him to let me know.
Been thinking of many possible future ventures in Sri Lanka and Kenya. I need to be more serious and plan my trip home this summer. It would be nice to do some work with school children. I’m also happier about the energy I feel towards my writing and painting. I’m currently working on an elephant for J. Glad that Y liked her Mandala.
Had another bad night this week and a few more sleepless nights. I was beginning to get stressed about the morning wake up. Thank god I mustered the courage to ask S to set the alarm for a bit later. And it was nice that she was such a sport about it too. Though I can’t say I’m not secretly looking forward to the possibility of having my own room. J was a darling to even suggest it.
Had another anatomy test. Have an assignment and test coming up. But feeling relaxed and in control. Also got a great book to read on relaxation and health.
Attended the power yoga class and feel I might be able to fall into a routine now. MSRT from Mondays to Thursdays. Power Yoga from Friday to Sunday. Also just set up Sanskrit script classes for Saturday and Sunday.
Finally managed to get into my Blog. It’s already the weekend and I realize I’ve done nothing more than stay in bed on my day’s off and watch TV serials. But maybe I need the time off? After all isn’t this what Karma yoga says? To learn to do whatever it is we do without conflict. So if it’s off time now I have to stop feeling guilty about not preparing for tomorrow’s exam and just do it.
Test results came today. Everything is fine. But then I could have told the doctor that. I know it’s all in my head from the way I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.
It’s Beau’s birthday on Sunday and I’m feeling all romantically tender towards the big doll. How I wish I had been more appreciative of the time I had with him instead of anticipating and dreading his leaving. Made him a soppy card and mailing him. Hope I don’t spoil his week off.
Friday,March 4th, 2011 (9.15pm)
Today I feel particularly grateful for the food I’ve been having. Especially for the fruits. I’ feeling much better and think the silence must be a big factor in it.
I find it interesting that people feel the need to talk at me and about me, commenting on the fact that I am in silence and will not speak but that that does not mean that they can’t speak to me. I wonder if they think I will respond. I feel comfortable and nourished in my silence. I also haven’t missed a single meal since I entered into silence.
I did break the silence when I went to Y’s for dinner. It was great that she understood my need to be silent as a way of taking care of myself. She in fact had remarked on it two days previously saying I should not expend my energy talking and trying to convince people who did not understand. J keeps talking to me all the time. I do respond to her most times. But I don’t mind. Even when she speaks there is a quality of silence in what she says which I enjoy.
I am vary of two of the lady participants though. In fact to be honest, I think it was one of them that led me to the silence. Its not that I mind the occasional friendly hello. But I feel trapped by them. I can imagine now how men must feel with an overly clingy woman. I remember how I was with Beau after he was ill and I cringe to think of it now. I hope never to be like that ever again.
Skyped Beau the other day. It was nice and I felt the old warmth. I’m glad because the last thing I want to do is to stress out the delicate and elusive being that he is. My period is due and I’ve been feeling incredibly tender towards him. But thank god, not in a horrible soul wrenching way. I would like to write him a letter but this might all be too much for a birthday wish. So I’ll just keep it for now and maybe send him a letter sometime later on. There’s no hurry. We are not going anywhere. Though I do worry about him a little as I feel I’m safe and secure in here while he is out there in the world, exposed to all the stressors. I hope he will take care of himself. He said that he will be out this week to celebrate his birthday in Tanzania and that his friend from Mozambique would be joining him. I thought it was sweet of him to let me know.
Been thinking of many possible future ventures in Sri Lanka and Kenya. I need to be more serious and plan my trip home this summer. It would be nice to do some work with school children. I’m also happier about the energy I feel towards my writing and painting. I’m currently working on an elephant for J. Glad that Y liked her Mandala.
Had another bad night this week and a few more sleepless nights. I was beginning to get stressed about the morning wake up. Thank god I mustered the courage to ask S to set the alarm for a bit later. And it was nice that she was such a sport about it too. Though I can’t say I’m not secretly looking forward to the possibility of having my own room. J was a darling to even suggest it.
Had another anatomy test. Have an assignment and test coming up. But feeling relaxed and in control. Also got a great book to read on relaxation and health.
Attended the power yoga class and feel I might be able to fall into a routine now. MSRT from Mondays to Thursdays. Power Yoga from Friday to Sunday. Also just set up Sanskrit script classes for Saturday and Sunday.
Finally managed to get into my Blog. It’s already the weekend and I realize I’ve done nothing more than stay in bed on my day’s off and watch TV serials. But maybe I need the time off? After all isn’t this what Karma yoga says? To learn to do whatever it is we do without conflict. So if it’s off time now I have to stop feeling guilty about not preparing for tomorrow’s exam and just do it.
Test results came today. Everything is fine. But then I could have told the doctor that. I know it’s all in my head from the way I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.
It’s Beau’s birthday on Sunday and I’m feeling all romantically tender towards the big doll. How I wish I had been more appreciative of the time I had with him instead of anticipating and dreading his leaving. Made him a soppy card and mailing him. Hope I don’t spoil his week off.
Friday,March 4th, 2011 (9.15pm)
Month 2
Sunday, February 27th, 2011 (9.36am)
I've lost my password for the umpteenth time and can't post on the blog so typing up the updates on a word document.
J showed me some exercises to loosen my shoulders.
I seem to have put on a few kgs. I’m feeling slightly fuller in the midriff. Looks like the daily teaspoon of ghee at breakfast is doing the trick. I wonder how I’m going to maintain my tummy though if I don’t get some proper exercise.
I’ve been trying to make the time to exercise in the evenings but after Bhajan I discovered the Mind, Sound Resonance Therapy (MSRT). It certainly eased my neck pain though I don’t find shavasan the most comfortable position and therefore didn’t go for it for more than a week or so.
The month’s passing fairly quickly as we get more into depth of the subjects. Other than a handful of people in class, I can’t bring myself to speak to anybody. It’s the same in the diningroom. P left. Going to miss seeing him around especially since I was looking forward to learning to play the classical guitar. But it’s not like we great friends or anything. W finds my interest in the psychological approach to yoga interesting. I enjoy referring him to books I have read. But on the whole I enjoy being left alone.
Been reading a lot and one day this meditation just came to me one morning as I sat at morning prayer when I started breathing from the base of my spine instead of my abdomen. It filled me up with an energy while at the same time isolating me from the rest of the crowd, and liberating me. The whole day I was filled with a strange calmness and strength. So I tried it the next day as well. However on the night of the second day, I felt that the energy inside me was too great and needed to be released and I didn’t know how. I felt strangely elated but afraid. I don’t know if I had managed to even touch the kundalini, but decided that I probably don’t want to try it again without fully knowing what I’m doing.
I feel so tired all the time and want to sleep every little chance that I can. It seems to feeding a vicious cycle though because I don’t feel rested much. Just irritable. I am eating better though since I have easier access to the store and get more fruit. I’m beginning to think maybe I should go easier on myself so I wake up at 4.30am instead of 4.20am and shower before the morning prayer.
The whole month seemed like a build up to the 26th. I didn’t know if I should call home or not. Decided there was no need. Afterall what can I say or can someone else say that would be right for the occasion. Thank god my sister called me a few days before. It was good talking to her and Naren.
That was the day I had the good dream. Where I had dreamt that Bonny was leaving home. This time we all knew he was not coming back so mama hired a cab to take him to the airport. We all sat at the back of the cab. Bonny was resting his head on my shoulder. And I felt this immense tenderness towards him which radiated through him and back at me. There was no need for us to talk. Everything was going to be alright.
I had been having heart palpitations in the middle of the night earlier in February.
These episodes made my left arm numb. The residential Ayurvedic Doctor didn’t see much concerned. He just told me that I was anaemic and underweight and probably had low blood pressure. He also suggested that the cold could be a reason for the numb hand. I didn’t tell him that the cold should affect both hands and not just the left hand. He very helpfully suggested that I include more raw vegetables and fruit in my diet. I wonder if he had somehow not heard me when I told him I was a student there.
Anyway, I’m getting to the way things are done here. More or less. So I bought myself an iron tonic and B12 & C syrup.
I don’t enjoy the Tabla lessons anymore. So I let the teacher know that I won’t be coming in hereafter. I seem to have enough things to stress me out now. I don’t need anything extra. The cough and cold have come back as well.
Have been a bit annoyed since seeing the emails from the magazine crowd talking about blogging. I like the way they politely demand that the writers blog a minimum of 3 days a week. When it comes to remuneration though, they hazily say something about paying the writers 20%. I would like to respond to a particular line of theirs saying that they would rather the writers not engage in any marketing of their businesses as they blog about their experiences as business entrepreneurs. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m on a journey. My writing is what supports me. And if they’re not able to remunerate me for my work, then I don’t think I need to spend my time writing for them. Simple as that.
On the 25th again I woke up with intense palpitations and the sick feeling as my left hand pulsated and numbed. I ate some biscuits and took the tonic deciding to visit the Allopathic Doctor the next day. I was slightly happier with the visit but not looking forward to the TSH profile I had been ordered to do. She thinks my symptoms are indicative of Hyperthyroidism.
Been missing hearing from Beau. Have this irresistible urge to feed him though so tried sending him a care package. But customs complications put a stop to that. He had mailed a couple of times while travelling and I detect a faint echo of the tenderness of past. But it is so difficult to judge from such a distance if his passion is cooling. Determined to just concentrate on my studies and let things take their own course.
Quite unexpectedly found myself talking to and enjoying the company of one of the YIC students. I also got a very sweet invitation to dinner with Y & J. Turned out to be quite a dinner. Y fed my body and soul. At the end of it she held my hands tightly and I felt a pressure easing within me as I began to cry. I can’t help feeling intensely sad that I will never see Bonny again. Can’t help but think that if only I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself and had only reached out to him that day, he would still be alive.
Maybe this is the reason I need to stop smoking. Not that I have in more than two months. But I wonder if I do need to kick the habit completely or if I can enjoy the occasional smoke with friends. I never was addicted to it. Just wonder if it will set me back in my practice? I certainly haven’t been smoking since I got here and I have not been meditating or practicing my asanas as much as I used to last year.
Don’t think I have cried this much in the year past since Bonny’s death. So badly want to be comforted. So badly miss talking to someone who knew Bonny. Almost texted Beau telling him that if I loved myself half as much as I claimed to love the men in my life, I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Wanted to say that if I had loved my brother half as much he would still be alive. But I felt that was too harsh to unload on him.
So tried calling Mama and Akka but hung up as didn’t want to upset them. Dialled PK but hung up again as not sure I want to get that close to him. Just decided to dive in and call Beau. It was great talking to him again. I immediately felt much better and nothing seemed to matter much after that. He says he will call to find out how the blood test went. It would be nice to hear from him but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
The blood test the next day was not the pleasantest. I did enjoy the sensation of fainting afterwards though. It was with some reluctance that I came to when the lady at the clinic repeatedly called my name as she tried to revive me. I decided to stay in and not put myself through the painful experience of having to make small talk with people. I stayed in bed the whole day watching How I met Your Mother and didn’t feel one bit guilty about it.
I can’t find the photographs I had scanned while in Somaliland of Bonny, Gemmo, Akka and myself. When I remember that particular photography of Bonny at my birthday with the Humpty Dumpty cake, and again after he caught the eel and that last one of him by the pond as he playfully grimaced in the sunlight, I feel this terrible heaviness in my heart that he is no more. I can hardly believe it. I think this is how mama must be feeling as well.
Couldn’t afford to miss another day so came out today. However feeling so rested and peaceful after my self-enforced isolation yesterday that I was surprised to find myself slightly resentful towards people who try to talk to me. On an impulse I actually responded to someone who approached me after the morning prayer, that I was trying to maintain silence. I’m now sporting a zingy pink post it that proclaims to the random passerby that I am “IN SILENCE”. It’s funny how people seem to be more inclined to try and talk to me. Bizarre still that I find myself enjoying hiding behind the post-it as I politely smile and look away. I have nothing to say to people today. And I doubt they have anything to say that I want to hear.
I've lost my password for the umpteenth time and can't post on the blog so typing up the updates on a word document.
J showed me some exercises to loosen my shoulders.
I seem to have put on a few kgs. I’m feeling slightly fuller in the midriff. Looks like the daily teaspoon of ghee at breakfast is doing the trick. I wonder how I’m going to maintain my tummy though if I don’t get some proper exercise.
I’ve been trying to make the time to exercise in the evenings but after Bhajan I discovered the Mind, Sound Resonance Therapy (MSRT). It certainly eased my neck pain though I don’t find shavasan the most comfortable position and therefore didn’t go for it for more than a week or so.
The month’s passing fairly quickly as we get more into depth of the subjects. Other than a handful of people in class, I can’t bring myself to speak to anybody. It’s the same in the diningroom. P left. Going to miss seeing him around especially since I was looking forward to learning to play the classical guitar. But it’s not like we great friends or anything. W finds my interest in the psychological approach to yoga interesting. I enjoy referring him to books I have read. But on the whole I enjoy being left alone.
Been reading a lot and one day this meditation just came to me one morning as I sat at morning prayer when I started breathing from the base of my spine instead of my abdomen. It filled me up with an energy while at the same time isolating me from the rest of the crowd, and liberating me. The whole day I was filled with a strange calmness and strength. So I tried it the next day as well. However on the night of the second day, I felt that the energy inside me was too great and needed to be released and I didn’t know how. I felt strangely elated but afraid. I don’t know if I had managed to even touch the kundalini, but decided that I probably don’t want to try it again without fully knowing what I’m doing.
I feel so tired all the time and want to sleep every little chance that I can. It seems to feeding a vicious cycle though because I don’t feel rested much. Just irritable. I am eating better though since I have easier access to the store and get more fruit. I’m beginning to think maybe I should go easier on myself so I wake up at 4.30am instead of 4.20am and shower before the morning prayer.
The whole month seemed like a build up to the 26th. I didn’t know if I should call home or not. Decided there was no need. Afterall what can I say or can someone else say that would be right for the occasion. Thank god my sister called me a few days before. It was good talking to her and Naren.
That was the day I had the good dream. Where I had dreamt that Bonny was leaving home. This time we all knew he was not coming back so mama hired a cab to take him to the airport. We all sat at the back of the cab. Bonny was resting his head on my shoulder. And I felt this immense tenderness towards him which radiated through him and back at me. There was no need for us to talk. Everything was going to be alright.
I had been having heart palpitations in the middle of the night earlier in February.
These episodes made my left arm numb. The residential Ayurvedic Doctor didn’t see much concerned. He just told me that I was anaemic and underweight and probably had low blood pressure. He also suggested that the cold could be a reason for the numb hand. I didn’t tell him that the cold should affect both hands and not just the left hand. He very helpfully suggested that I include more raw vegetables and fruit in my diet. I wonder if he had somehow not heard me when I told him I was a student there.
Anyway, I’m getting to the way things are done here. More or less. So I bought myself an iron tonic and B12 & C syrup.
I don’t enjoy the Tabla lessons anymore. So I let the teacher know that I won’t be coming in hereafter. I seem to have enough things to stress me out now. I don’t need anything extra. The cough and cold have come back as well.
Have been a bit annoyed since seeing the emails from the magazine crowd talking about blogging. I like the way they politely demand that the writers blog a minimum of 3 days a week. When it comes to remuneration though, they hazily say something about paying the writers 20%. I would like to respond to a particular line of theirs saying that they would rather the writers not engage in any marketing of their businesses as they blog about their experiences as business entrepreneurs. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m on a journey. My writing is what supports me. And if they’re not able to remunerate me for my work, then I don’t think I need to spend my time writing for them. Simple as that.
On the 25th again I woke up with intense palpitations and the sick feeling as my left hand pulsated and numbed. I ate some biscuits and took the tonic deciding to visit the Allopathic Doctor the next day. I was slightly happier with the visit but not looking forward to the TSH profile I had been ordered to do. She thinks my symptoms are indicative of Hyperthyroidism.
Been missing hearing from Beau. Have this irresistible urge to feed him though so tried sending him a care package. But customs complications put a stop to that. He had mailed a couple of times while travelling and I detect a faint echo of the tenderness of past. But it is so difficult to judge from such a distance if his passion is cooling. Determined to just concentrate on my studies and let things take their own course.
Quite unexpectedly found myself talking to and enjoying the company of one of the YIC students. I also got a very sweet invitation to dinner with Y & J. Turned out to be quite a dinner. Y fed my body and soul. At the end of it she held my hands tightly and I felt a pressure easing within me as I began to cry. I can’t help feeling intensely sad that I will never see Bonny again. Can’t help but think that if only I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself and had only reached out to him that day, he would still be alive.
Maybe this is the reason I need to stop smoking. Not that I have in more than two months. But I wonder if I do need to kick the habit completely or if I can enjoy the occasional smoke with friends. I never was addicted to it. Just wonder if it will set me back in my practice? I certainly haven’t been smoking since I got here and I have not been meditating or practicing my asanas as much as I used to last year.
Don’t think I have cried this much in the year past since Bonny’s death. So badly want to be comforted. So badly miss talking to someone who knew Bonny. Almost texted Beau telling him that if I loved myself half as much as I claimed to love the men in my life, I wouldn’t have put myself through this. Wanted to say that if I had loved my brother half as much he would still be alive. But I felt that was too harsh to unload on him.
So tried calling Mama and Akka but hung up as didn’t want to upset them. Dialled PK but hung up again as not sure I want to get that close to him. Just decided to dive in and call Beau. It was great talking to him again. I immediately felt much better and nothing seemed to matter much after that. He says he will call to find out how the blood test went. It would be nice to hear from him but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
The blood test the next day was not the pleasantest. I did enjoy the sensation of fainting afterwards though. It was with some reluctance that I came to when the lady at the clinic repeatedly called my name as she tried to revive me. I decided to stay in and not put myself through the painful experience of having to make small talk with people. I stayed in bed the whole day watching How I met Your Mother and didn’t feel one bit guilty about it.
I can’t find the photographs I had scanned while in Somaliland of Bonny, Gemmo, Akka and myself. When I remember that particular photography of Bonny at my birthday with the Humpty Dumpty cake, and again after he caught the eel and that last one of him by the pond as he playfully grimaced in the sunlight, I feel this terrible heaviness in my heart that he is no more. I can hardly believe it. I think this is how mama must be feeling as well.
Couldn’t afford to miss another day so came out today. However feeling so rested and peaceful after my self-enforced isolation yesterday that I was surprised to find myself slightly resentful towards people who try to talk to me. On an impulse I actually responded to someone who approached me after the morning prayer, that I was trying to maintain silence. I’m now sporting a zingy pink post it that proclaims to the random passerby that I am “IN SILENCE”. It’s funny how people seem to be more inclined to try and talk to me. Bizarre still that I find myself enjoying hiding behind the post-it as I politely smile and look away. I have nothing to say to people today. And I doubt they have anything to say that I want to hear.
The Adventure - Month 1
Sunday, February 06, 2011 (2.07pm)
A week shy of a month and I’ve decided to go ahead and keep a journal. It has been the most bizarre 3 weeks and I figured that if the coming 92 weeks are going to be anything like it, I would like to keep a record.
I thought about if for almost a year. Life was great. I was working, travelling, experiencing and loving it and hating it at the same time. It was time for a change. I wouldn’t have known it if not for Bonny - my witty, devilishly good looking darling brother who quietly slipped away. Leaving me with a void and a presence that I had failed to see when he lived.
People say they want to do something they love. I was doing what I loved. But I wanted more. I wanted to love what I was doing too. But I didn’t know how until Bonny’s passing.
The suggestion to get certified as a yoga teacher came quite unexpectedly, just as did a chance friendship with an Italian girl who happened to be visiting Somaliland from Kenya on work. And what an extraordinary friendship that was. You could say it marked my birth, growth and death. My eagerness grew like a rogue seed which had been hiding in the earth.
I checked out courses and found one which was being offered as a prerequisite for various academic and vocational courses in Yoga. I promptly applied for the Masters in Yoga & Journalism which was due to commence August 2010. The Deputy Registrar who had been in touch with me throughout the application process was very helpful in getting the necessary documents across so that I could get my visa. Everything worked out like clockwork despite the fact that I was up North in Sri Lanka working on a small project.
And then a couple of weeks before the programme was due to commence, I was notified that the course would not be starting as scheduled as there were not enough students on roll.
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. After all, 2 years is a long time to someone who’s starting life over. Was I ready to make that commitment? When the Deputy registrar suggested I get on the MSc programme even as late as September, I politely declined.
But now, several starts, stops, detours and several yet more starts later, I’m finally here - three weeks into the programme, sitting in my quiet, neat little room after my first meal that doesn’t threaten to make me sick. Talk about rollercoaster rides!
I’d already been here in November of last year to complete the Yoga Instructor’s Course. Of course I had no clue that I would be in for the long haul. But I enjoyed the structure, discipline and energy that I found here. And so when after a grueling month my classmates jumped on the bus that would take them out of Prashanti Kutiram with their newly issued Yoga Instructor Certificates, I waved them goodbye. I had decided to stay on for a couple more weeks, absorb the energy, read and engage in Karma Yoga. I was at peace.
I’m sure that I’m not the first traveler who decided to change her plans and linger on. But I think I may be the first one who actually did so with no plan. I didn’t even speak to anyone about what next. I just woke up every morning, assisted with the next batch of participants for the Yoga Instructors Course, attended the morning chanting and discourse and the evening bhajan, visited the library, and made friends.
It wasn’t until almost the end of my visit and Karma Yoga was looking slightly more like Karma and less like Yoga that I haphazardly decided to apply for the January intake of Masters programmes. Having attended a few discourses on the Prasna Upanishad by the resident Swami and being entranced by the peaceful and almost transcendental quality of his glass-walled class through which the trees seemed more luminous and alive than anywhere else on the campus, I was leaning towards the Masters in Yoga & Consciousness. However, I was advised that it would not be easy as I would require a working knowledge of the Devanagri script in order to study the slokas which were in Sanskrit. Moreover, the course was offered only in August. With less than 2 days to go, I handed in my application, was lucky enough to have my selection interview early and that was that.
After 3 weeks in sunny beautiful Sri Lanka with my beautiful man, coming back to Prashanti Kutiram was surreal. It was a cold and brightly sunny morning and I remember how everyone seemed to be abuzz with theories of the end that was coming in 2012 and how we could save ourselves. My first impulse was to pack up and fly off to be with my Beau. I even turned back from the cashier deciding not to pay my course fee. After all if we were all going to perish what was I doing holing myself up in an ashram away from him? Standing at the entrance to the reception I texted him and was pleasantly brought back to the real world by him sweetly common sense response saying he was in a horrid meeting and would love for a cosmic shift right then. God bless him. This was why I needed him in my life. As much as he was able to take me soaring to the heights of ecstasy, he also brought me down to earth like no one else did.
I did end up paying my fees a week later even if only for the first semester. I’m enjoying the course. I did have a little difficulty settling in but that all seems to be in the past. I think if I can just learn to complain less and not react to situations in the coming year, I would have achieved a lot. I’m already learning because every single day has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and if I kept a daily diary I would probably come across as schizophrenic. But I’m learning to let the emotions wash over me and though the waves buffet me, I am trying to learn how to stand my ground and not be overcome by them. So I’ll journal once a month.
Started learning the Tabla. My teacher says I’m a fast learner. I enjoy the classes though I would prefer if he let me practice by myself more rather than he giving me many new lessons everytime.
This month’s breakthrough? I mustered up the courage to tell my Dad I was sorry I was not a comfort to him in his time of loss. I told him I didn’t know what to do and asked him to take care of myself. He responded thanking me for the message and saying that it had come at a particularly lonely time for him. It is slowly sinking in that Bonny is really no more and I will never be able to see him or speak to him again. It is an awful feeling. I can’t even begin to imagine what my mother and father are going through. It’s going to be a year since Bonny passed.
I’ve been seriously thinking about cutting my hair again. This time I have even found someone who I think I can depend on to do it. But finally after 2 days of planning, I just chopped it off myself with a tiny crafts scissor. It took less than 5minutes and I like the new look. Makes me feel so much lighter and younger.
My neck hurts and my shoulders feel very tense. Maybe I should consider changing my pillow
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