07th April 2011 (1.39pm)

I’m coming to realize that I should not be at such loggerheads with myself.
Afterall, while others might be like chirpy squirrels 24/7, they are after all giving themselves days out in the city (not that that’s a treat, but it would be nice to wear regular clothes, to sit outside and have a coffee and people watch), junk food, refrigerators and washing machines etc etc while I’m trying to be a nun.
Feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone here. I wear my oldest and baggiest clothes because it’s the best suited to sitting on the floor all day in. Not to mention the fact that the campus is full of odd characters – some who are actually mentally unsound who are here for treatment (like the man who walks around with his sarong wide open to reveal dark, scrawny, hairy legs – unfortunately pointing it out to him only seems to have made him more proud of the fact…), some who may be mentally unsound but who are out there in the world and visit here occasionally and then of course the faculty, staff and students.

I marvel at the effort that almost all the girls put into their dresses - most of them of gharish colours and synthetic fabrics which look painful in the scorching heat. The Korean girls are the best dressed. Very pleasing on the eye, though I admit I myself can’t be bothered. I kind of enjoy not having to dress to impress and occasionally manage to get away in my pajamas without a wash (in winter of course!) and my roughly self-cut hair. Although the other day, the kids who are here for the Personality Development Camp rudely reminded me that I had worn the same pair of tracks pants and T-shirt on two consecutive days. They also proceeded to interrogate me on my origins, language and the price and source of my slippers. I can see they start early here. On the flip side, I’m glad to see that I seem to be the only girl in the class who seems to be able to do a good job of taking the games period with the sweetly sly little things. And best of all, they seem to enjoy themselves as much as I do!

But on the whole, I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. Even the Korean’s almost teenage-like bonding doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I discovered that the ground with the stadium seating is a great place to get lost in right in the middle of the maddening crowd. Jin too seems to have discovered the same place. But it’s big enough for the two of us and she is a remarkably sensitive soul so I have to problems with that.

The other day when I was feeling a bit blue she took me out for a walk and picnic in the rain. It was nice. Even the part when we also got struck by lightning standing on the rooftop of the little house near Swathi Rock. We wound up walking more and sitting in the pouring rain till I succumbed and spilled the fact that I was love-sick. I told her my fantastic plan of holding out for the duration of the course and then to try and see Beau. She was incredulous and firm in her argument. A lot could happen in that time. I should not put off matters of the heart but tell him how I really feel about him and see him now not later. Sounded very convincing and I was almost about to follow suit despite the fact that I am painfully aware of how stressed Beau himself.

In hindsight, I’m so glad I didn’t. I did send him a raunchy email and try to set up a call date but it didn’t come through. I was surprisingly detached in my disappointment. After all, the poor guy didn’t owe me anything right? So what right did I have to expect anything from him? I was quite happy to suffer in silence though the unexpressed emotions were welling up and threatening to choke me and I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter on several occasions.

Finally we bumped into each other online. He had gotten back from Kinshasa the day before. The second UN flight crashed. 32 NGO workers were killed. I wanted to pick him up and kiss him after kissing his feet and begging for forgiveness for all the crazy thoughts that had passed my mind. I was surprisingly sincere and normal and we caught up. It was sweet and tender and funny and nice and spontaneous and fun and good. Just like it always is with Beau (Like I needed to reaffirm why I feel the way I do about him). And just like that we decided that we would try to meet up sometime before he went home in August. I am tempted to do a dance of joy just in anticipation. But I think of the pain I went through over the past couple of weeks and it is a great way to temper any crazy excesses.

I did change my desktop background several times though – from the pic he sent me from his birthday break where he looks like a gorgeous Egyptian prince on holiday (which I drooled over in detail) to the last pic we took together in Nairobi before I went on the Vipassana retreat). We both look sweetly happy in that pic and I love looking at it. It reminds me of why I love this beautiful elusive man so much. He is not perfect. Far from it. But even his imperfections are adorable because he lets me be myself while he is himself in such a strong and quietly beautiful way and that helps me swallow my pride and learn from him. And in that beautiful space we seem to be able to meet and dance the most beautiful dance of two souls.
Today I was immensely stressed by the haphazard teaching of my Orian anatomy teacher, my crazy sickly coordinator, the prison-like atmosphere in the therapy participant’s dining-room (though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the salad and boiled vegetable after the monotonous-&-all-numbing Indian curry) so I’ve decided to be my own best friend and stop trying to be everything that they seem to be trying to make me here.

I think I have managed admirably in the past. I was a vivacious girl with a great sense of humour and indomitable energy. I’m now crawling around with a cowed head trying not to be the sinner that they lead me to believe I am. For all their preaching and people bashing, they are as bad as any semitic religious fanatic.
Enough of this. I am kind, gentle, strong and fun-loving and I’ve achieved a whole lot more than they can possibly imagine. And I’m going to get through this with myself intact and god help them if they think otherwise.

It doesn’t have to be that complicated!

So after much heartbreak and many more failed relationships, some, which fortunately or unfortunately never even had a chance to take off, I’ve think I’m finally learning one very important, basic and simple lesson – namely, that things don’t have to be so complicated!

Men are actually much simpler than we think. And if we can just internalize this simple truth we can save ourselves a whole lot of trouble.

Easier said than done though, when the object of your affections is acting like the elusive White Rabbit and there you are, Alice, in the Wonderland of love, chasing after him. Can be quite frustrating – I agree.

Okay, first things first, remember that just like you, he’s an individual. So just because you are sensing doom and gloom from the silence your countless SMSs, emails and phone calls encounter, do not give in to the little voice in your head that might tell you all sorts of things – like for instance that he was just making use of you, has someone else in his life, doesn’t like you anymore etc etc. Remember, He is a man. He has probably had his fill of baby talk and cuddling and all those other things boyfriends and girlfriends do. Now, he is probably focusing on other things like work, life, friends, sports and all things fun. You should too!

Sitting around moping and waiting for him to contact you, and then running out of patience and bombarding him with a barrage of emails/SMSs/calls will not tell him that you are missing him and thinking of him. Not at all. Instead, it will tell him you don’t have a life and are trying to make him yours. And believe it or not, this could be a scary prospect for any human being – man or woman.

I was always curious when my guy friends talk about one of their exes and describe her as “crazy!”. So, one day, I asked one of my friends what exactly “crazy” entailed. And what do you think he said? Yes, you’re right – he described the very same behaviour that many of us are sometimes guilty of!

Of course I offered him a view from the other side and asked him if he didn’t think it showed him just how much his ex liked and wanted to be with him. At this he softened and conceded that yes, that was possible, and yes, they did have a great time together most of the time. But still, there was this behaviour that absolutely put him in a panic, the poor guy.

And I’m sure we all could all identify with this feeling of absolute panic when we are relentlessly pursued by someone who is more convinced than we are that we are “meant to be together!”

The good news though is that, we are neither of us crazy or bad. We just have the tenacity of bulldogs when we set our hearts on someone. And being the wonderful creatures that we are, we would like everything to be just perfect – be it the movie date, the dinner, picnic, party, his meeting with your friends and parents, the wedding and on and on we go.

Easy now! Slow down. There will be time enough for that. First give yourselves both the space and time to know yourselves alone as much as you need to know yourselves and each other when you are together.

I would like to quote here a powerful statement by one of our most original and inspiring spiritual teachers of our time, Eckhart Tolle. In his book the Power of Now, Tolle says that "[Relationships] do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you" (page 127). Something to consider when the little voice inside your head gets out of control and suggests all sorts of things when your better-half fails to respond or get in touch with you.

Another concept I like to draw on in my interactions in non-violent communication. The basic premise of non-violent communication is that humans are trying to meet needs in all their interactions. For example, you may be trying to meet the need of love, security, companionship and fun through your better-half. But if you are able to view your partner independently, without seeing him as a means to fulfilling your needs, you may be more accepting of the fact that he is not able to fulfill all your needs.

This doesn’t mean that your needs are irrelevant or invalid. It just means that you need to find alternate strategies to have them fulfilled. For example, can you fulfill your need for security by finding a fulfilling and well-paying job? Can you have fun and feel companionship through your interactions with your friends and family when your man is out doing his own thing?

Make use of the time to catch up on your work, reading, hanging out with friends and family, taking care of yourself, shopping, neatening up your closet and whatever else it is that you keep putting off. You will find your life moving along very well and soon you won’t even realize that you haven’t heard from him.

And then, when the simple man has done his work, caught up with his friends and family, had his car washed/fixed, played/watched sports or whatever it is that he was doing, he will have come full circle and be ready for some cuddle-time with you.

And believe me, when he finds you, all occupied with your life, the busy and happening babe, the primitive instinct in him to chase you down and be with you will kick in. And since you wouldn’t have sabotaged your relationship with him by acting “crazy”, you both might be surprised to find that you have a pretty good time together!

And frankly, that’s the basis for any successful relationship. So sit back and enjoy it! Remember, while it’s great to plan for the future, make sure not to miss out on your present (and your loved one) with all your planning!

(Published under Girl Talk on www.ariona.com.au)

A Fairytale Wedding in every sense of the word….

After dating for two years, my husband, Nikhil and I decided to get married rather quickly. Or rather the decision was slow but settling on a date that was convenient to everyone made it soon rather than later. We were also having 2 ceremonies (a Hindu ceremony in Chennai, India followed by a Catholic ceremony in Colombo, Sri Lanka). As I had not anticipated this new and exciting life-change, I couldn‘t help but wish I has been less of a spendthrift and saved up for my “Big day“. Being the quintessential girl at heart, I too wanted a fairytale wedding (but without the accompanying cash-crises common to so many South Asian families).

Luckily for us, Nikhil’s family was planning and putting together the Hindu ceremony. We had only the Catholic ceremony and the reception to worry about. As I was going to be out of the country up until barely 2 months before the Catholic ceremony, I got the ball rolling by going wedding saree shopping with my mum. Sophisticated darling that she is, she managed to get me a beautiful ivory colored Kanchipuram silk with gold brocade work. Other than the fact that I simply loved the saree, I was thrilled that I had to visit only one other shop before I found it at Rasi Silks (Wellawatte) and it cost us only Rs. 15,000/- !!!!

Next, we got my Maid’s sarees - crepes in a Flesh Pink tone - at a small shop in Pettah for Rs. 700/- each (with blouse piece). I teemed it with blouse pieces in Onion Peel Silk Cotton from Fashion Fabrics (Colpetty) to give it some pizzazz. The Maid’s jewellery (set of necklace, earrings and bangle for approx. Rs. 350/- each) was from Shrina Palace (Wattala) and matched my mum’s traditional family jewellery (crafted by the family jeweller in Jaffna back in the good old days) which I had asked to borrow for the ceremony.
Invites were also from a delightful little shop (again in Pettah). Done on textured cards with an embossed motif, they cost next to nothing and reflected simple and understated beauty. My mother’s friend helped by making a simple wedding cake (with little daisies, just like I wanted it) and individual wedding cakes to serve the guests, all at cost. The cake was packed in traditional-looking Indian drawstring pouches.
After hunting around for venues that would not be difficult to get to given the security situation in Colombo, I was ready to call off the idea of a reception. All the usual venues were 5-star hotels around Colombo’s Galle Face area - which is a hive of security check-points and road blocks. While getting to them after the service would probably be a nightmare on a Saturday evening, I was hesitant to pay a small fortune for Ballrooms and décor and what not. We almost settled for a Lawn but changed our minds when we were told the hotel would not make any provision for a marquee if it rained!!

Nikhil, who’d lived his entire life out of Sri Lanka (save for a short working stint during which we met) had been to a couple of weddings while in Sri Lanka. While we had a great time at the weddings, we knew for certain that we would not have a live band nor baila music at our own. Though having lived in Sri Lanka, I hadn’t really imagined breaking with tradition where venue was concerned. Of course, I hadn‘t counted on my husband‘s wonderful lack of compulsion to follow in anyone‘s footsteps.

That’s how we ended up with a wonderful little beachside party at The Golden Mile (Mt. Lavinia). The sumptuous buffet of fresh sea-food and vegetarian dishes, together with champagne and drinks cost us only as much as it would have for food alone if we’d gone with any of the usual hotels. Needless to say the wood-cabin style restaurant’s décor of lantern-candles and fairy lights coupled with the stretch of Mt. Lavinia beach and a full moon (which opportunely was the largest in the year) gave us an ambiance I doubt I’d have been able to achieve with any expensive wedding-décor. I am also positive that it was the combined positive thoughts of the Golden Mile Team that allowed the clouds to part and ensured we had a sunny and beautiful day ending in a beautiful evening under a clear sky in the peak of a south-western monsoon.
The only bump I encountered was in the department of “Bridal-Dressing”. The business of Wedding planning and Bridal Dressing is a lucrative one. But I had not counted on how stressful the whole experience could be to a Bride-to-be.

I opted for Ms. Janaki Kurukulasuriya at Salon Bliss (Wellawatte) because my cousin‘s wife had used her a few months before and as Bridesmaid, I found her seamstress to be excellent (she actually got a perfect fit from just one fit on!). However, all my well-articulated notes complete with pictures were no help as the lady refused to discuss anything until I was back in the country (barely 2months before the wedding!). So on her advice, my sister (who was incidentally my Maid of Honour) had paid a non-refundable deposit of Rs. 12,000/-.

I was optimistic on my first consultation, as I was fairly clear on my dream wedding. Unfortunately, for me, Ms. Kurukulasuriya, thought my saree was hideous! The only way I could escape being told I needed to get another saree (which incidentally was what my cousin’s wife had been told) was to say that the Groom’s parents had gifted the saree to me and I dared not change it. It was all downhill from there. The jewellery was dismissed with a disdainful shrug, my ideas for my own and the Maids’ saree blouses were criticized as “old-fashioned” and my request for a simple sheath of lilies condemned as “funeral flowers”.

Of course in her favour, she did suggest a bridal bouquet of roses at Rs. 10,000/-, (though personally I thought it was a crime to spend so much on flowers for a few hours) or the option of checking elsewhere if I so wished, as her suppliers wouldn‘t work within my budget. I say “helpfully“ because it was indeed a great suggestion which led me to find beautiful bouquets and hair pieces for myself and three maids (with boutonnières for Nikhil’s and my Dad), church and car décor in a pretty Daisies & Tulle theme - all for just Rs. 18,250/- from Flowers of Summer (Colpetty). It was excellent! And best of all, the proprietress of Flowers of Summer (Ms. Janaki de Soysa) was warm and helpful and made me really feel like I was going to be a Bride!! It was all discussed and arranged in just 2 visits and I didn’t have to worry about a thing once it was in the capable hands of the Flowers of Summer team. But back to my dressing nightmare, I was slightly jaded but stubbornly set on having my dream-wedding and therefore was (hopefully understandably) disappointed when I saw that my idea for boat-necked saree blouses was changed to scooped-necks at our first fit on. This was compounded by the fact that the dressing-room was a walled-off little space between the salon and the adjoining building, complete with ally-dirt, a barely covered drain and a makeshift roof. I was told that if I wanted to be dressed in a hotel room (which I did) I would have to pay the lady Rs. 10,000/- for her trouble (and this was in addition to her travel costs).

I could feel myself turning into the proverbial Bridezilla as I almost burst into tears. This was not what I wanted!! Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t I the Bride-to be??? Didn’t want I want matter???? But I was in for a rude shock as I was told off very bitingly by the lady that I had an “attitude” and that she regretted having taken my booking!!!! So much for customer service and giving a Bride her fairytale wedding!

To cut a long story short, after a series of ugly phone calls in which Ms. Kurukulasuriya had apparently told the seamstress that she would not get any more orders if she gave us our outfits directly, and I was told I would not get my tailored outfits unless I paid a further Rs. 14,000/- I decided to cut loose and go with someone who would help me make my dream wedding come true. Though I was very relieved to be done with the good lady, I was unhappily relieved of Rs. 26,000/- for my trouble gained Ms. Kurukulasuriya’s expert condemnation that mine was the ugliest saree she’d seen in all her 30odd years in the business and the curse that I’d probably have the ugliest wedding ever!!

But in retrospect, I think I should atleast send her a thank you note because she (yet again!) did me a huge favour because I ended up going to The Cutting Station (Jawatte) where my stylist Leena did an excellent job of making us all look like glam-girls. Again I must mention the entire experience of pre-wedding trial and wedding-day dressing up left me feeling pampered and special. I got a free haircut and was dressed at the hotel as I’d planned for no extra cost! Brilliant!!
So fast forward to the long-awaited day, surrounded by my sis and mum (my pillars of strength and good sense), my angelic little nephew who graciously acted as Ringbearer, best girlfriends, dear friends and relatives, and my handsome (and oh so patient and loving) husband Nikhil, his loving family and best buddies, I felt radiant and beautiful and happy to become a wife (which is hopefully how all Brides feel irrespective of how much their bridal bouquets cost) Young and talented photographer Dhanush de Costa was at hand to capture it all.

Everyone had a great time and I certainly had a Fairytale wedding in every sense of the word.

The best thing about it was that it was just as I’d dreamed it would be and we didn’t have to worry about going into debt!!