Neither here nor there

The new hair-do makes me look younger and I’m glad I invested in the hair mousse. If I just wake up a few minutes earlier I can manage to style my hair and turn up at office looking (if not feeling) as civilized as the others.

I should practice smiling more though. I think it will help me look a bit more approachable and will definitely ward off the effect of the gathering years.

And maybe I should invest in some well sewn kurtas. Might help me look the part. 29 year old successful single city girl. I’m neither here nor there. Not exactly old but certainly don’t feel young.

I like the fit that Indian tailor gets, even though he is slightly expensive. I wonder if someone can copy his fit. Someone a bit less expensive.

Today’s lunch was sumptious. The beach was beautiful. The crowd was great. I actually managed to relax and be witty and talkative.

If I take the laptop home I can watch a movie tonight. I want to save the movies for the weekend though. Will help pass the time.

On the other hand it would be good to go home and see mama. I can collect the giveaways as well. Looks like the trip is going to be pretty costly. I wish I’d been more careful with my spending now. The whole hair-do and stuff. I feel sick when I think of the dinner treat and the night of partying. Today’s lunch was another killer. I could do so much with that money.

I wish I had checked out prices of coloring books, exercise books and color pencils and stuff. I’m sure they can use them their. I know I used to love coloring when I wanted an escape.

Now I look at the house and the bills and my stuff and I feel sick. Where will I wear all those shoes and clothes to? They will never fit in. they will never sit well on me.
A different me. A slightly darker me – who has to walk because that’s the only way to get about.
A slightly shyer me – there is no avoiding their penetrating looks. They know they have the power to make me afraid. I am afraid.
A slightly rougher me – fancy hair-do’s and creams and mousses are things that will never go down on my shopping list
A slightly smaller me – the gnaw of hunger is a bit too constant to have to worry about putting on weight
A slightly harder me – I never had much expectations in life. I got married so I wouldn’t be alone. I hardly even knew my husband before they killed him.

I often sift through my phone looking for someone to call. Longing for company
I long for my own company
I am elated and defeated. I am energized and tired out
I think I know but I don’t know how
I feel I’m neither here nor there...

29th Nov 07
8.08pm