Thursday, June 02, 2011 (4.44am)

Finally capitulated and accepted Maria’s invitation to visit her in the city. It was weird driving into the city. I remember how I used to think driving out of the city into the countryside such an adventure – checking out the shops on the way out which were stocked with exotic goods. Now I felt slightly sick driving into the city after having been in the countryside and seeing the trees being cut down and the rocks being blasted indiscriminately. The flip side is that I no longer think it would be nice to have a large wooden bed and a marble sinks. And it was nice to have a coffee and sit outside watching the world go by for a change even though I was surprised at how polluted the air seemed to be after five long months in the ashram.

I ended up shopping quite unexpectedly and was characteristically stressed about how much I was spending. I could blame it on the effect of being stuck in a tiny lift for almost half an hour. But I know I should have exercised the same power of awareness that I did when I consciously decided not to panic in the lift. But then again, the purchases are beautiful.

I guess the theme of my visit was how to cultivate being at peace with myself. And the first lesson was to trust the universe that people are inherently good. It came in the form of a sweet young man who helped us get home. It was almost midnight and he was also stuck with us for almost two hours waiting for the heavy rain and flooding to subside. At first he walked around trying to hail us an auto-rickshaw. When that failed he braved the floods to take us both on his tiny scooter in the pelting rain. He didn’t tell us his name so we just have to conclude that he was an angel.

But I didn’t get the message until Maria had to finally beg me to stop complaining the next day. Generous soul that she is, she had just the book I need – The Soul of Money – which I am reading like a thirsty traveler. She also initiated me into the practice of Kundalini yoga which was a very profound experience for me.

We practiced a kriya and short meditation in the morning followed by a further meditation in the evening. I had some insights of how I should be like a tree, grounded in the world but aspiring higher and higher, bearing fruit with no expectation. I also realized that I had probably not found a Guru yet because I had so much of self-work to do and I had to focus deep inside myself. This would not be possible if I was focused on the Guru. I would miss the learning I was experiencing if I waited for someone to interpret it for me. I also believe I passed the polyp which had given me so much pain for almost two years.

Back in my room two nights later, I almost lost the lesson until I chatted with Beau. It was so nice to see him again that my heart just melted and overflowed. I felt what I would imagine to be an almost motherly instinct to satisfy him. But in the end I felt so much more alone and sad. Thank god the lesson came back to me almost immediately. I had so longed to see him and speak to him and should have been ecstatic when I did. And I was ecstatic, but I was letting my greed to overshadow that happiness.

I think I love Beau and I keep saying it but I want things to be different this time. I want to learn how to love and live unconditionally. I found the secret put very eloquently in Lynne Twist’s book The Soul of Money (pg 43-44):

“…For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. We don’t have enough time. We don’t have enough rest. We don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course we don’t have enough money – ever… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, or why. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack.

This mantra carries the day and becomes a kind of default setting for our thinking about everything, from the cash in our pockets to the people we love or the value of our own lives. What begins as a simple expression of the hurries life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. It becomes the reason we can’t have what we want or be who we want to be. It becomes the reason we can’t accomplish the goals we set for ourselves, the reason our dreams can’t come true, or the reason other people disappoint us, the reason we compromise our integrity, give up on ourselves or write off others.”


Today is the day that I start living out my vision of being like a beautiful tree…

Sunday, May 29, 2011 (10.55am)

Beginning my 34th year and I think I’m beginning to find my groove in the universe. Which is ironic because there’s no groove so deep that you can safely deposit yourself in it without one day being thrown out into the big unknown like a fledgling out of it’s nest. But still, it’s a good feeling to think of a groove.

It was a beautiful day with heartfelt wishes from my nearest and dearest, which I treasure. I celebrated by keeping to myself and trying to meditate on the 10 precepts of Non-Violence, Truthfulness, Honesty, Moderation, Non-Possessiveness, Purity, Contentment, Austerity, Self-Study and Surrender to the Almighty. It was harder than I thought it would be as I hadn’t meditated in a while. But I’m glad I tried.