It doesn’t have to be that complicated!

So after much heartbreak and many more failed relationships, some, which fortunately or unfortunately never even had a chance to take off, I’ve think I’m finally learning one very important, basic and simple lesson – namely, that things don’t have to be so complicated!

Men are actually much simpler than we think. And if we can just internalize this simple truth we can save ourselves a whole lot of trouble.

Easier said than done though, when the object of your affections is acting like the elusive White Rabbit and there you are, Alice, in the Wonderland of love, chasing after him. Can be quite frustrating – I agree.

Okay, first things first, remember that just like you, he’s an individual. So just because you are sensing doom and gloom from the silence your countless SMSs, emails and phone calls encounter, do not give in to the little voice in your head that might tell you all sorts of things – like for instance that he was just making use of you, has someone else in his life, doesn’t like you anymore etc etc. Remember, He is a man. He has probably had his fill of baby talk and cuddling and all those other things boyfriends and girlfriends do. Now, he is probably focusing on other things like work, life, friends, sports and all things fun. You should too!

Sitting around moping and waiting for him to contact you, and then running out of patience and bombarding him with a barrage of emails/SMSs/calls will not tell him that you are missing him and thinking of him. Not at all. Instead, it will tell him you don’t have a life and are trying to make him yours. And believe it or not, this could be a scary prospect for any human being – man or woman.

I was always curious when my guy friends talk about one of their exes and describe her as “crazy!”. So, one day, I asked one of my friends what exactly “crazy” entailed. And what do you think he said? Yes, you’re right – he described the very same behaviour that many of us are sometimes guilty of!

Of course I offered him a view from the other side and asked him if he didn’t think it showed him just how much his ex liked and wanted to be with him. At this he softened and conceded that yes, that was possible, and yes, they did have a great time together most of the time. But still, there was this behaviour that absolutely put him in a panic, the poor guy.

And I’m sure we all could all identify with this feeling of absolute panic when we are relentlessly pursued by someone who is more convinced than we are that we are “meant to be together!”

The good news though is that, we are neither of us crazy or bad. We just have the tenacity of bulldogs when we set our hearts on someone. And being the wonderful creatures that we are, we would like everything to be just perfect – be it the movie date, the dinner, picnic, party, his meeting with your friends and parents, the wedding and on and on we go.

Easy now! Slow down. There will be time enough for that. First give yourselves both the space and time to know yourselves alone as much as you need to know yourselves and each other when you are together.

I would like to quote here a powerful statement by one of our most original and inspiring spiritual teachers of our time, Eckhart Tolle. In his book the Power of Now, Tolle says that "[Relationships] do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you" (page 127). Something to consider when the little voice inside your head gets out of control and suggests all sorts of things when your better-half fails to respond or get in touch with you.

Another concept I like to draw on in my interactions in non-violent communication. The basic premise of non-violent communication is that humans are trying to meet needs in all their interactions. For example, you may be trying to meet the need of love, security, companionship and fun through your better-half. But if you are able to view your partner independently, without seeing him as a means to fulfilling your needs, you may be more accepting of the fact that he is not able to fulfill all your needs.

This doesn’t mean that your needs are irrelevant or invalid. It just means that you need to find alternate strategies to have them fulfilled. For example, can you fulfill your need for security by finding a fulfilling and well-paying job? Can you have fun and feel companionship through your interactions with your friends and family when your man is out doing his own thing?

Make use of the time to catch up on your work, reading, hanging out with friends and family, taking care of yourself, shopping, neatening up your closet and whatever else it is that you keep putting off. You will find your life moving along very well and soon you won’t even realize that you haven’t heard from him.

And then, when the simple man has done his work, caught up with his friends and family, had his car washed/fixed, played/watched sports or whatever it is that he was doing, he will have come full circle and be ready for some cuddle-time with you.

And believe me, when he finds you, all occupied with your life, the busy and happening babe, the primitive instinct in him to chase you down and be with you will kick in. And since you wouldn’t have sabotaged your relationship with him by acting “crazy”, you both might be surprised to find that you have a pretty good time together!

And frankly, that’s the basis for any successful relationship. So sit back and enjoy it! Remember, while it’s great to plan for the future, make sure not to miss out on your present (and your loved one) with all your planning!

(Published under Girl Talk on www.ariona.com.au)