It doesn’t have to be that complicated!

So after much heartbreak and many more failed relationships, some, which fortunately or unfortunately never even had a chance to take off, I’ve think I’m finally learning one very important, basic and simple lesson – namely, that things don’t have to be so complicated!

Men are actually much simpler than we think. And if we can just internalize this simple truth we can save ourselves a whole lot of trouble.

Easier said than done though, when the object of your affections is acting like the elusive White Rabbit and there you are, Alice, in the Wonderland of love, chasing after him. Can be quite frustrating – I agree.

Okay, first things first, remember that just like you, he’s an individual. So just because you are sensing doom and gloom from the silence your countless SMSs, emails and phone calls encounter, do not give in to the little voice in your head that might tell you all sorts of things – like for instance that he was just making use of you, has someone else in his life, doesn’t like you anymore etc etc. Remember, He is a man. He has probably had his fill of baby talk and cuddling and all those other things boyfriends and girlfriends do. Now, he is probably focusing on other things like work, life, friends, sports and all things fun. You should too!

Sitting around moping and waiting for him to contact you, and then running out of patience and bombarding him with a barrage of emails/SMSs/calls will not tell him that you are missing him and thinking of him. Not at all. Instead, it will tell him you don’t have a life and are trying to make him yours. And believe it or not, this could be a scary prospect for any human being – man or woman.

I was always curious when my guy friends talk about one of their exes and describe her as “crazy!”. So, one day, I asked one of my friends what exactly “crazy” entailed. And what do you think he said? Yes, you’re right – he described the very same behaviour that many of us are sometimes guilty of!

Of course I offered him a view from the other side and asked him if he didn’t think it showed him just how much his ex liked and wanted to be with him. At this he softened and conceded that yes, that was possible, and yes, they did have a great time together most of the time. But still, there was this behaviour that absolutely put him in a panic, the poor guy.

And I’m sure we all could all identify with this feeling of absolute panic when we are relentlessly pursued by someone who is more convinced than we are that we are “meant to be together!”

The good news though is that, we are neither of us crazy or bad. We just have the tenacity of bulldogs when we set our hearts on someone. And being the wonderful creatures that we are, we would like everything to be just perfect – be it the movie date, the dinner, picnic, party, his meeting with your friends and parents, the wedding and on and on we go.

Easy now! Slow down. There will be time enough for that. First give yourselves both the space and time to know yourselves alone as much as you need to know yourselves and each other when you are together.

I would like to quote here a powerful statement by one of our most original and inspiring spiritual teachers of our time, Eckhart Tolle. In his book the Power of Now, Tolle says that "[Relationships] do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you" (page 127). Something to consider when the little voice inside your head gets out of control and suggests all sorts of things when your better-half fails to respond or get in touch with you.

Another concept I like to draw on in my interactions in non-violent communication. The basic premise of non-violent communication is that humans are trying to meet needs in all their interactions. For example, you may be trying to meet the need of love, security, companionship and fun through your better-half. But if you are able to view your partner independently, without seeing him as a means to fulfilling your needs, you may be more accepting of the fact that he is not able to fulfill all your needs.

This doesn’t mean that your needs are irrelevant or invalid. It just means that you need to find alternate strategies to have them fulfilled. For example, can you fulfill your need for security by finding a fulfilling and well-paying job? Can you have fun and feel companionship through your interactions with your friends and family when your man is out doing his own thing?

Make use of the time to catch up on your work, reading, hanging out with friends and family, taking care of yourself, shopping, neatening up your closet and whatever else it is that you keep putting off. You will find your life moving along very well and soon you won’t even realize that you haven’t heard from him.

And then, when the simple man has done his work, caught up with his friends and family, had his car washed/fixed, played/watched sports or whatever it is that he was doing, he will have come full circle and be ready for some cuddle-time with you.

And believe me, when he finds you, all occupied with your life, the busy and happening babe, the primitive instinct in him to chase you down and be with you will kick in. And since you wouldn’t have sabotaged your relationship with him by acting “crazy”, you both might be surprised to find that you have a pretty good time together!

And frankly, that’s the basis for any successful relationship. So sit back and enjoy it! Remember, while it’s great to plan for the future, make sure not to miss out on your present (and your loved one) with all your planning!

(Published under Girl Talk on www.ariona.com.au)

Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like,
To realize too late what you wanted to say?
To play it again in your head,
Like a scene from the dead?
Do you know what it feels like,
To wish on a star?
You could gather the pieces,
Of your shattered dream
Or hold it together with a neatly sewn seam?
Do you know what it feels like,
To realize too late?
That the moments you spent
Were not memories you leant?
Do you know what it feels like,
To stand at the door?
And watch him walk away,
His bag on his shoulder
And your heart in it’s fold?
Tell me...
Do you know?

Lyric

I stare at the ghost in the mirror
& it stares right back
at me;
Guant & pale & eyes ringed a gunmetal
Blue...
Measuring my life with the ope & shut of
mine eyes;
A sleep walker trapped in time
Reigning in vagrant dreams
& songs my errant heart
does sing;
Of a time & place
& a man I once held…
Bearing an echo of him on my shoulder,
A tattooed claim to what used to be
Now my life’s
a lyric;
With a midnight kiss for
a chorus
Sung from the bottom
of a cup
Of coffee…

On Sushi

(Composed by Horus on 6th January '10)

Lost in a sensual delight,
I had some sushi the other night.
Now was it good? You may ask,
I’ll try and describe as a peculiar task.

Okay it’s raw, and sometimes slimy,
But it’s much better than a plate of spaghetti.
A salty spicy ocean in a bubbly universe,
In pungent flavors of liquid desires.

Would rather be swimming than walk in a forest,
To Ikura my love, Unagi my dearest.
Both are fish I would make love to,
If I, well, if I was a fish too!

The passion, rhythm, an explosion of sensation
Carries me over into an exhilarating fashion.
Finally when the last bit of sushi has longed,
An overwhelming orgasm has passed and gone.

So if you take me to dine,
It’s Sake instead of wine.
Cool texture and Wasabi fire,
The essence of a man and a woman’s desire.

Lost & Found

In less than a year, I have lost a husband, boyfriend, friend and brother.

A crazy year! – as I like to flippantly call it.

But what have I taken from this craziness?

I’ve learnt that the measure of a relationship is revealed in the way we treat people when we have nothing to lose or gain from them. This doesn’t mean you have to bottle up your hurt and anger. On the contrary, acknowledge it, give voice to it, and then deal with it.

I’ve learned that just because someone was not able to love you the way you wanted to be loved, it doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. It just means that they were not able to love you. So be all you can be and love like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t hold back just because someone else was not able to deal with it.

I’ve learnt that grief can do crazy things to you. Overnight, it can make you lose those pounds that you tried so hard to lose for so long. It can make you gaunt and hollow-eyed and wrinkly and grey. But only if you let it to. Feel the pain, and again, acknowledge it. But then listen to the birdsong outside your window, feel the breeze, sit in the sun, read a book or watch a movie or listen to music. Look up weird things on the internet, play Scrabble, talk to people, listen to them. And most importantly, don’t forget to shower and put on clean clothes and comb your hair and moisturize. And for god’s sake! Don’t forget to smile!

I also learned that the process of grieving is a natural and inborn coping mechanism. It is as private and personal as your bowel movements. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Just let it happen when it happens. And when it’s not happening, don’t forget to get on with life.

I also learned that our perception of what makes a good friend is simply that – our perception. You can’t judge a friend by his ability or inability to be there for you when you need them. Just as you hope that no one is judging you by your ability or inability to be there for someone else. So forgive easily and don’t hold grudges on perceived slights. If you want help, ask for it. If it is denied you, move on. Other’s have problems too. If knowing and spending time with someone makes you and them happy, then do it. If not, don’t. It’s as simple as that.

And lastly, it’s great if you are focused and have plans and dreams. But it’s ok if you don’t as well, just as long as you know what is important to you in life. But don’t get too hung up on what you want from life so much so that you miss out on what life brings you.

Love life, laugh and be loyal to who you are and what makes you who you are – your work, friends and family. Live!

And I am able to tell you this and mean it, because while I lost so much, I also found new friends who taught me to grow. I found new love and saw my old world in a new light which taught me to appreciate it more. And of course, all this helped me find parts of myself I never knew. And I’m loving the balance of losing and finding.